Talking with W yesterday (again, kid stuff) she said she really appreciated my giving her space and time to think these last couple of weeks, how it was a nice surprise from what she expected. I validated, I think:
"I do see better how you needed that, and how my communication style tends to be more aggressive than necessary. I'm sorry you didn't feel that you could have that space without leaving, and I do appreciate your taking steps to truly solve problems."
The thing is...that wasn't BS and wasn't scripted. I have truly come to see that.
I'm not saying this was right or consistent with DB, I'm not sure, but I sensed an opening so said, "I'd be happy to go to lunch or dinner or something sometime if you think you ever want to talk about it."
Her: "I've been thinking about it. I'm trying to get there. I'll let you know."
Me: "I appreciate that."
Her: "So how's the house project going...."
And she asked me about a house project I'm working on. I gave a brief response, then, "Hey, I won't keep you, I'm sure you've had a long day. Hope you have a good night."
And we ended the call.
I don't have a lot of unreasonable hope here because she has done that a lot in the past years when we've had problems to try and head off my aggressiveness...she doesn't want to say yes and give me false hope/encouragement or talk to me and have me push on her too hard; she also doesn't want to say No for fear that I will, again, panic and push too hard, pursuing.
So I think overall this was a good 180 for her to see despite the fact we don't interact much right now.
The real challenge now is, if by some chance she does change her mind or open up a little, that's only the beginning of another long, difficult process, because we have too many serious issues to simply come back together easily and engineer the best possibility for success. Probably a long way off if possible at all right now, and I'm still trying to go by the rule of Don't believe anything you hear (especially since there is a strand of hope there which I don't want to blow out of proportion).
Made another meeting with IC for tomorrow to discuss what to do if she ever contacts me and decides she is interested in reconciling: what are appropriate boundaries/terms for myself, being prepared to hear things that could hurt without reacting negatively, more rollercoaster, etc.
I think I'm finally at a point where I'm detached enough to take things as the come and be ok regardless of outcome.
