confused newbie 4

[tl2]

When my wife asked me that question many years ago, I ended up saying something like the following (obtained from a counselor but which I agreed with)

"I want you to stay and work on the M for yourself, for me, for the kids, for all of us. We've experienced a lot of negative change but we can also experience positive change. It's both our choice and your choice."

That was the reader's digest condensed version.

[dday]

I am grateful today:

Good friends that invite me to go hang out.

I will have heat and a stove today when the gas is turned on!

My family is ok with me hanging out on the farm, and not making me feel unwanted, but supported.

[dday]

I am an emotional wreck this morning. And I know that nothing has changed. Didn't hear from W or kids yesterday. Not really a shock. I can't quit having the expectations that something will change. I can't seem to detach anymore than I have. Like I am stuck. I do however think that if something is going to click for her, it's got to be because she has truly lost me. She still clings to the "let's be friends" crap. That only confuses me, not sure what she thinks she is doing.

I am doing NC, unless it is kids stuff. (Other than 2 nights ago, when I was mad about s8 being hurt)

I haven't moved the rest of my stuff out of the garage yet. Might as soon as harvest is over and I can borrow a truck and trailer.

I am not volunteering for anything. Last time I did, she filed 3 days later.

Need to buy no more Mr nice guy book

Any other ideas on what to do/not to do?

[Vapo]

dday, first of all, you are doing really great, and IMO you are waaaaaaay ahead of me when I was at your timeline. My BD was 6/8/14 and I started getting better at the end of November and only after the 1st anniversary I went on the upswing.

Expectations - have none. Trust me, expectations will get you down every time.

Friends? Hell no. Friends do not do that to friends. Cordial coparents yes, friends NO WAY. Hell, I do not even want my W back as she is now.

Do not force detachment, it comes in waves, and do not be afraid if you cycle. We all do. What you will come to realize, that the cycles last shorter and shorter as time goes on, and the time in between increases. So, it does get better.

And as initial Cadet's post suggested. You have been given the gift of time. Use it wisely on yourself, better yourself. This is a time for you to grow as well. This is the time do develop intuition and other fine gifts.

Enjoy your time with the kids, they will never be 8,6,4. Play with them, be goofy with them, be fun with them, hug them a lot, be their rock, be the best dad in the world.

[Thornton]

I remember that stuck feeling. I felt like everyone on the board was doing well with their detaching and I just couldn't get over the hump.

Keep going, keep trying, and keep your focus on you.

Keep focusing on your gratitude. Find things to be thankful for. Gratitude was a big one for me when I felt I had nothing to be happy about. I eventually had to find mundane things to be thankful for like a sunset, or the fact I had a working car.

Come up with a list that you are thankful for.

[dday]

I try to write 3 things a day that I am thankful for. Supposed to help rewire the brain. I'm all for giving that a shot. I know that my M, as it was, is over. I am trying to not let resentment build. I think that I give her the benefit of the doubt far too often, and that keeps me attached. This would be so much easier emotionally if I hated her, but I don't. I kinda feel sorry for her. I hate what she is doing, but not her. I am ready for this alien to leave her body though!

[Ancaire]

D, you know I, of all people, appreciate the reality of cycling through emotions and having a really bad day. You did the right thing, posting here. I try to remind myself, it will pass, and it does. I'm never okay with the situation, but I do accept that it is what it is. I'm learning to despise the word "patience", which most likely means God is getting ready to teach me a lesson on the topic I won't ever forget.

Prayer helps. Posting here helps. Just sitting still and focusing on deep breathing is surprisingly helpful. You've made wonderful progress. You know precisely what you want. You are committed and faithful. You're a fantastic dad. You've done well with GAL. You are becoming wiser by the day. You reach out and help others with no expectations of getting thing in return. You're commited to DB'ing to the best of your ability.

D! You really are a man only a fool would leave!!! Look at what you've accomplished in such a short time. Imagine how great you're going to continue to be. You are becoming the person you need to be in order to be a strong leader for your family. I know you to be a a man of faith. You're becoming the strong and wise head of the family that you're instructed to be. Amazing.

There is so much good I see in your situation. I understand the painful things, too. But I see plenty of reasons to not give up hope - just work on not focusing on that part. Keep doing what you're doing..."becoming"...your children are so very lucky to be gaining a role model like you. WW? She'll notice - but she does have free will. That's a good thing. She can choose to lose the best thing she ever had, or she can choose to wake up and fight to keep it. Painful for us who care, but necessary for a great M. She needs to want to be there, or she'll do this again one day.

So, D...patience and time are necessary for you, too. Keep working on you. Love your children through this. Give WW over to God to work on. He is shaping/molding you into a man few are ever lucky enough to become. I'm thankful for that on your behalf. Remember bad days are normal; just feel the pain, work through it, and keep moving forward.

Big sister Judy says, "Wow! Look at you, D! I am so happy with and proud of you."

[tl2]

Yeah I feel for ya, man. What I am beginning to see is that detachment is really just the first step towards being more mature emotionally so that a mature, healthy relationship is possible.

Getting so attached (addicted perhaps?) to our spouses so that we expect them to give us their best when we're not giving ours, or trying to hang on to them at all costs when they're being destructive to the R is, I'm coming to see, what an 18 year old might do. When we become men we're supposed to put childish ways behind us.

The more progress I make in this direction (and believe me, so far it ain't much!), I'm realizing and feeling far more pain over my poor behavior and how I let her down than I am hurt over the separation, her wanting to divorce, and even the lousy things she did. And I see far more clearly how much work it will take to piece it all back together if that opportunity even arises.

[Dawgs]

Couldn't have said it better, tl2! Excellent post!

[dday]

Tl2, you are right. This is not the sitch that I want to have forever. W needs to improve things as much as I do. It would show more self respect to let go, but it is like an addiction.

Ancaire. You are awesome. You are giving me far too much credit. Thank you for the support. I surely need it! I do want to be great for my boys. They need some kind of consistency right now, and I don't feel she is giving it.

Thanks everyone, I needed the boost