LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (2)

[gs9]

another question. I think she is temp checking. WW is a control freak...everything has it's place and she hates dishes in the sink or the dry rack once they are dry. Well, last night when I arrived home from work there were dishes in the sink from her and the kids eating dinner. I did not wash them. She was here today and the dishes are still in the sink plus a couple more. She is out tonight and I think she is checking to see if I'll wash them.
Thoughts?

[Thornton]

You're overthinking it, that means you are still very much attached. That will only make you crazy trying to decipher the "clues" and what she might or might not be doing.

She's in the fog right now. Everything about her will change. I've seen several instances where a WAS will start smoking or drinking, have affairs etc, and they were never like that in the past.

Take all that energy that you use to try and decipher her and put it right back on you. What can you do to be a better gnicks?

[gs9]

I am so thankful for people like you and Sandi on this board. I hope you know the difference you are making in my life

You're overthinking it, that means you are still very much attached. That will only make you crazy trying to decipher the "clues" and what she might or might not be doing.

Of course you're right. I do keep looking for clues. I've been praying God would show we signs of Him moving in her life towards our marriage to keep me encouraged.
As far as doing the dishes. I'm trying to figure out- if I do them is she manipulating me and I'm showing I'm still emotionally attached? Or if I don't do them am I being a jerk and giving her another reason to not come back.

She's in the fog right now. Everything about her will change. I've seen several instances where a WAS will start smoking or drinking, have affairs etc, and they were never like that in the past.

Thankfully she hasn't started smoking. She does drink every night at least 2 glasses of wine

Take all that energy that you use to try and decipher her and put it right back on you. What can you do to be a better gnicks?

The struggle is real! I've been trying. I've put so much energy into her over the last 8 years that it's hard to focus on me. I have made some leaps and bounds.
- Attending Church regularly
- start every morning in quiet time with God
- work out at the gym or in my garage 5x/ week
- GALing 2+ / week
- Joined 2 men's groups through my church
- Hired DB coach
- IC once per week

any other ideas? Or is this enough?

[Thornton]

Instead of praying to God to show you a sign that your w is coming around, pray to God and thank him for the good things you do have during this trial in your life. That's something that I had to learn. Gratitude will change your life if you keep practicing it.

[beckyb]

Instead of praying to God to show you a sign that your w is coming around, pray to God and thank him for the good things you do have during this trial in your life. That's something that I had to learn. Gratitude will change your life if you keep practicing it.

Amen.

[Thornton]

Regarding the dishes... you are waaaaaay overthinking it.

If there's dishes in the sink, throw them in the dishwasher. You're obsessing right now. Slow down and breathe.

[gs9]

More changes in WW behavior over the last 12 hours.
- She went to a parenting class yesterday which is mandatory for the D and then was out until 10PM. When she got home she came into the MBR, D4 and I were sleeping. She used her phone as a flashlight and closed the bathroom door before turning on the light. This is being very considerate for her. She usually just turns on the bathroom light and doesn't care that we're sleeping. D4 and I woke up anyway. WW then came to my side of the bed, sat down and said

" I would like to sincerely apologize for every time throughout our whole M that I caused conflict in front of the kids. I was wrong to do that. I was even wrong the other night. I'm sorry and I will do my best to never do it again."

I almost passed out with disbelief. This is 2 apologies in 10 days. She hasn't apologized to me for anything in well over a year and rarely apologized during our M. I'm also 99% sure she has never said "I was wrong". I said " Thank you, That will be very good for the kids." She said "Yes it will"

- D4 asked WW about a dozen times to "come sleep with Daddy and me." That had to be pulling on her heart strings

-this morning she gently asked if it would be alright to send D4's leftovers from the night before with her to school (D4 and I had gone to dinner). Again, she's being overly considerate.

-Not going to be friends (from Sandi's story)
She later wanted to speak about the parenting plan and seeing another mediator. She said she would hope we'd be able to figure everything out and have a relationship like she does with her current XH.
I told her " We are not going to be friends. I will do everything to protect D4 and I know you will too but we are not going to be buddy buddy."
She said "Good, I don't want to be friends."
I said " I am not going to be friends with someone who would D our family."
She said "you forget what you did on Aug 16th, 2014 (the day I was unfaithful).
I left the room.

Validating?
- I went back and knocked on the bathroom door. She said "No thank you." I could hear her crying. Through the door I said " I know you are really hurting from Aug 16th. You have really been hurting for the last 15 months. The last 15 months have been really hard for you." She didn't respond. She turned on her hair dryer and I left.

[gs9]

Yes, I'm definitely overthinking it. She has been so controlling and manipulative in our M I find myself trying to not fall into the same traps.

I will definitely focus on being more thankful.

[Thornton]

You said you wouldn't leave the house. She said you shoved her. Now she's being nice. I think it's all a form of manipulation.

Stay the course. Cordial but firm.

[dwh15]

gnicks, you are still seriously attached to your WW and her emotional train ride. You need to get off the train and quickly. You are only hurting yourself and slowing your healing.

Remember, this is the woman who recently practically accused you of domestic abuse to get you out of the house. She is not thinking straight and is going to be all over the map. You cannot trust her judgement or her motives. She is looking out for herself. Do not fall for her manipulation. The tears, breakdowns, and confessions are all part of the wayward script. She might really be feeling those things temporarily, or it might just be a superb acting performance. And it's almost guaranteed that she's going to be feeling something totally different in a short time.

Please try to focus on you and your beautiful daughter, who needs to have at least one stable parent - that is your job now, because your W is NOT thinking rationally. Regarding being friends with your W, I think it would be impossible at this time. I never say never, and maybe that would be an option way down the road, but don't even consider it right now. You communicate to her that friendship is not an option, and if she feels the same, good. A WS often plays the friendship card in an attempt to relieve their own guilt, and us poor LBS eagerly grab up every little morsel of attention. All it does it keep you attached and gives the WS plenty of cake.

Have you spoken to an attorney yet? I'm worried that you are not taking your W's recent actions serious enough and are going to be blindsided, and potentially jailed from some crazy accusation she creates out of thin air. Please take precautions and try to minimize time around your W. She cannot be trusted. Hang in there, you are going to make it through this.