Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

I've been gone for awhile... I thought maybe a week but looks like longer!

Since I've been gone, things were carrying on pretty much the same. With me having passing feelings of worry but really working to push them aside.

Then last Tuesday I had a really hard day. It started fine but then the kids were especially trying that day and my inner struggle to find some sort of purpose/meaning/fulfillment in life got the better of me. By the afternoon I was down right depressed. H came home & noticed... we sat for awhile & talked. I told him (deep in my pity party) that I am just so tired & I really feel like I hate my life. I couldn't really articulate it all to him in the way it made sense in my head but he was caring in his demeanor, even if he didn't have much to say about what I said to him.

Then we talked again about his hurts... he really struggles with the name I called him (he has a lot of inadequacy & fear of failure issues from his past) when I was so angry at him for cheating. Many would say that he deserved it... and with me being so mad, it is expected that some hateful/angry things would spew out. But I think I really touched on some shame issues he has and he really has held on to this thinking that I spoke the truth only when really provoked (I don't name call... ever... except this time). The other issue of what I thought he did came up again too.

I slept horribly that night. Even though we were talking, it wasn't a resolved thing... I am beginning to think that all these talks about these hurts are just moving in that direction and will need to be worked through many many times before things feel better.

Then the next day I was searching for something to help me. I needed something to put me in a better frame of mind. And I found this Ted Talk by Brene Brown. Life changing.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

I highly recommend it for anyone struggling with trusting & working on a marriage after an affair.

I went on to find a 13 video series of hers on youtube of a workshop she did & that has also been so meaningful. Lots of good info. I really wish my h would listen b/c I think it could help him too. But since watching this ted talk & the other videos on youtube of hers, I feel almost like a totally different person. I have a different perspective.

It isn't that I am out there majorly GAL as many in this board recommend... this is problematic for us with such a limited time to spend together- me going out in the evening is resorting to my old behaviors of finding happiness outside of the marriage & not giving the marriage/h any of my time/attention. So the things I do for myself need to happen during the day... in the mornings before the kids wake up when h leaves for work or at some other point in the day. I have struggled w/ this GAL thing b/c I have always felt it was putting me back to where I was when we fell apart... why he thought I was done w/ him & having an affair with someone else.

SO... while I am finding time for myself & putting energy into things I enjoy, I am not going out & having fun w/ friends when it would take away time spent at home w/ the family or with my h. I feel good about this.

We had another talk in bed the other night (tuesday night) & it was more about h's struggle with what I mentioned above. I really tried to show empathy (as Brene Brown would suggest where there are shame issues) but it is so hard when I am the one that caused that shame to heighten. So I need to read her books to figure that part out. But I think the important part is that he is talking. It is hard for him to talk & he is doing it.

So instead of feeling bad after that conversation as I have been, I was able to list all the things I am grateful for. Well at first I did have the feeling of " oh gosh... he is always going to feel all this pain that I caused him & feel like that is really how I feel... instead of seeing all the other evidence to the contrary". But then I quickly refocused as Brown would suggest & moved into gratitude. I was thankful he was talking about this. i was thankful for the opportunity to tell him what a great dad I really think he is. i was thankful that even though these were tough things to talk about & bad feeling abounded for him, we still ended holding each other & very close physically. My frame of mind was also different too... it was more of- "I should be here to help him through this b/c he is hurting" rather than "oh no is he going to cheat on me b/c of these bad feelings?"

I think the biggest thing that changed my perspective is when Brene Brown talked about being brave by being vulnerable. Trusting my h & not worrying about whether he is cheating is a very vulnerable place for me. But w/o vulnerability, you cannot really experience joy. And bad things happen. They do. But worrying about them & missing out on joy just makes it doubly bad.

Here are some of her quotes that resonated with me from some of her youtube videos. (I didn't start writing them down until 1/2 way through so I'll have to go back & listen again... I think it would be helpful to me to cement them in anyway).

When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy become foreboding. (this is where things are going really good or you're having a really good time & it is dampened by the thoughts of what is going to ruin it, wondering when the other shoe will drop).

Lots of time spent doing something (i.e. Facebook for me) w/o any enjoyment is numbing out. This is a way to avoid vulnerability.

We would rather be certain and miserable then uncertain & wholehearted. Holy cow... this has been me. Trying to find out what he is doing & needing to feel certain he is or is not cheating. Her definition of whole hearted is living life to the fullest, being healthy, loving, being happy, etc.

I'm sure I'll post more again some time. I think she is extremely helpful.