Where, oh where am I?

[Lost08]

I did tell H about my father. Tried calling him 3 different times via Skype, but, per usual pattern lately, he was "out" Mind you, he made it a point to emphasize to me he has Skype on his phone, however, lately, he changes the status to "away" and is unavailable.

Lately, when the kids try calling, or I call, he says "I don't have any missed calls. Maybe it isn't working." YET, we can see online when he quickly "checks in" as he changes the status to "online" and then quickly changes it back to "away" I figure he must just be checking it to see our messages but not respond. Perhaps it's b/c he's with OW or maybe he's just distancing himself more and more. idk. OW thoughts plague me at times like that. I have to work very hard to divert my thoughts away

Anyway, I typed a simple message "Can't reach you by phone. Just want to let you know my Dad is in the hospital." I saw him change his status to "online" and then click off again. No response. This was Tuesday night.

Then, yesterday morning, he gave me a quick call from his cell. But he's very distant. Not too concerned about Dad. H is referring to him has "Your Father." Very formal, detached way for him. I don't recall him referring to my Dad as "father" since we met 21 years ago. He's always been my Dad.

In some ways, I wish I didn't talk to H at all. This hurts. It hurts to not have his support. It hurts to hear him refer to my Dad as almost a stranger. He's not going to call my Dad. He said "Well, tell everyone I say hi."

The times we do talk are getting further and further between and H is cutting them shorter and shorter.

I'm not so sure I can keep this up. I'm only 2 months in since BD and who knows how long since his MLC actually started. But he's away, in another country, living another life. And I'm still stuck here alone with all of the burdens and I'm feeling like there's no hope.

I finally had my own scans done yesterday. Didn't get a good vibe from the technician, but that could just be my paranoid state since so many things are crashing down around me right now. Thinking about the possible results of this scan - well, I guess scary b/c of the unknown. I hope my doctor calls me before next week, otherwise it's going to be a long weekend.