Im sorry to read all of this, TD. Ill give my thoughts.
I keep going in and out of the anger stage, and taking it out on him (opposite of divorce busting).
How do you guys deal with anger at your spouse when they've acted so terribly? Its natural to feel angry. Its the middle stage of grief. While, its OK to feel the anger, what you do with it is what is important. Instead of using it to attack him, use it as fuel for yourself. When youre at the gym, think of this and drive yourself to do more. When youre thinking of staying in with a pint of ice cream, remember this, and go GAL it up instead. As I think CaliGuy says, use your anger as jet fuel to propel yourself forward. As you can see from the rest of this, using your anger as a sword against your H wont do any good for you or your R with him.
It's in the past now, but mine told me he wanted a divorce over the phone, while I was in another state, alone, with no friends or family nearby. To make it even worse, a coworker was supposed to come with me and couldn't come at the last minute, so I was especially sad and alone. Later I found out that he was texting his close female friend the entire time, a minute by minute update of our conversation. (This is not the person he is currently involved with, but I suspect he and this female friend did sleep together). Yeah....that [censored]. Theres not really a GOOD way to tell someone you want a divorce. Mine told me in MC. Didnt hurt any less. I do agree that giving the live updates is cruel, but we already know he was being selfish, so what would you expect?
How can someone do that? It's probably one of the most horrible and personal discussions one could have, and he told me when I was entirely alone with no support system nearby. I've brought it up and he has never once acknowledged it or apologized. I'm not sure it would even make a difference, or what effect an apology would have. We all want to hear "Im sorry". But does it really matter? What will hearing those words actually do for you?
I know I was holding resentment towards him before all of this, for how he abandoned me financially before we were married. I don't think I could get past this on top of what was already there. Similarly, he had difficulty with my anger before this happened, and now I am even MORE angry. I am certain for him it is better to cut his losses and move on (which he has done already). Probably for me too. But then I think of the times he was there for me and I get so sad all over again and I just wish we could make everything better. Dont worry about the stuff in bold. Worry about you. And today. And maybe tomorrow. Its not about moving on. Its about rebuilding.
Today he told me to think about how I was acting, and whether acting antagonistic at this point would get me what I want (Joint ownership of the dog). I brought up how he asked for a divorce, and how he has never acknowledged that it was a cruel, vicious and destructive way to end a marriage. No response. I don't know why I was expecting one. You wont get a reply to the stuff in bold, because he doesnt think it was cruel, vicious, etc. Somehow, all you can do is let it go...
