When the kids play up, I am usually the one who loses his rag first and shouts at them. W doesn’t like it and things I over react. Sometimes I react back at her saying she‘s too lenient.
Last night S11 had lost his phone on a train… cost - about £40. I was Zenlike in responsive and hugged him/comforted him when he cried and told him not to worry. W overreacted and shouted at him. Later she asked me if she overreacted, she felt bad about herself …..a 180 in action…simple but effective.
My primary goal is to connect more with the kids, show them I love them, play with them more, do more fatherly things with them, do more of the bedtime routine – its more of a life goal. Throughout our marriage my relationship with the kids has suffered as I have been too wrapped up thinking about my relationship with W.
This is a 180 and W has noticed. She mentioned it positively during our R talk on Monday and last night thanked me for putting them to bed. I said I enjoyed it. It will continue for my lifetime.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Kickboxing - W would go anyway to go for run with her friends. I work away a lot - for instance I cant go next week so its not that I go very often. In hindsight I should have gone. At the moment I don't want to meet her friends as I dont know what she has told them so that is always in the back of my mind. I didnt want to eat with her later on.
As regards tea: W wants everything amicable - hence her being over nice and talking a lot, also she asked me had I eaten and what I had eaten (I'm losing weight down to 150 pounds) She's also concerned about my lack of sleep. NB I dont tell her about my weight loss or lack of sleep...she can just sense it.
If I stop the tea it will remind her that things have changed...but do I also stop making her food in the evenings as I sometimes do? Do I stop making her lunch for the next day as well. In other words do I stop doing loving 'acts of service' as the LL book would call them??
She wants me to go but also wants an amicable separation and divorce. When she and the kids joked about my 'messiness' I remember her sometimes vocalising a fantasy world were I lived in a separate house in the same street. Amicable. Amicable Amicable
Its a bit early to go cold. Keeping a few bridges whilst doing 180s on things she complained about 'you dont help with the kids bedtime' 'you dont play with the kids''why dont you take them to a soccer game' is what I am trying to do. I am looking to do other 180s but its difficult because she rarely vocalised complaints and Im not a mind reader! I'm trying to write a list and think of 180s
Its early days and its hard.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I hear you but to quote you "Kickboxing - W would go anyway to go for run with her friends. I work away a lot - for instance I cant go next week so its not that I go very often. In hindsight I should have gone." - If you feel you should've gone, then why aren't you going when you can?
Re the tea, you're right, you don't have to change anything.
OG: Thats what I mean, next time I will go to KB and watch the boys - thanks for opening up my eyes
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
S11 woke with a painful hip. I thought it was a probable muscle strain from his Kickboxing class last night. I gave him some pain relief and shipped him off to school and then had IC meeting and went to London to work for the day and to have a night out with old friends - beer and pizza.
It turned out the the hip injury was a little more concerning. S11s pain got worse in school and W had to leave work early and take him to minor injuries clinic and later to the doctors. He is ok , though still in some pain and will have to have blood test tomorrow.
Of course it meant lots of texts between me and W on the sitch and me feeling lousy b/c I cant help or comfort S11.
Working away from home is the pits at such times.
Anyway S11 should be fine after a few days rest W also attended a parents evening for S8...again I couldn't make it
I rang home this evning to speak to S11 before bed but also had to talk to W Re S11's hip and S8 progress at school.
All amicable (I hate that word!) chat, all about the boys, though she did ask me if I had a good evening with my friends - I kept that reply short.
At least I was able to GAL for an evening with good old friends and forget my troubles for a few hours.
Tomorrow I work in London and then go home for a Testosterone blood test and later attend a parents evening for S11. W gave me the option of going as only one of us can attend - the other has to look after S8.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Decided to act more like a Man and get a grip on my life.
S11's hip is ok this morning so he is off to school today.
Trying not to ring W about S11 ...just a few texts.
Last week she asked me about an opportunity for S11 to go on a trip to Switzerland in Feb 2016 - cost £700-£900. She was concerned about cost and whether S8 would be upset b/c he wouldnt be able to go. I left decision up to her - this is typical of me during M - she makes decisions on kids
Today I texted her to say that after consideration we couldnt afford it. She texted 'i think we should talk instead of texting' I said we can talk tonight.
I think she needs a reality check - we cant afford it in this sitch and I want to spend my money on holiday WITH the boys.
Ive also booked a weekend away with the Boys in Liverpool in early Nov and a weekend in London in Dec - weekends in London were always our special times together especially in Dec around W's birthday.
I will not be making her any more cups of tea in the evening and not cosying up to watch TV together. I will make myself busy or go to bed.
I need to be careful and not be cold and distant as this will be seen as passive aggressive behaviour - as old trait of mine.
Im also trying to arrange a night out at a comedy club with some pals and a trip to a local castle for Halloween with the Boys.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
This is a 180 and W has noticed. She mentioned it positively during our R talk on Monday and last night thanked me for putting them to bed. I said I enjoyed it. It will continue for my lifetime.
Gee, I hope you are not putting them to bed for a lifetime.
Quote:
Its a bit early to go cold.
Humm, I don't remember that section of the book.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 - Love your posts. Wish I'd listened to you and Mr Bond long ago
I'm getting colder by the day ....its just difficult to wrestle with as I was very passive aggressive in the past. Blood test tonight ... dont think I have low testosterone, but results will show.
Thinking a lot about your posts Re: women respecting confident men. Trying to be more assertive and confident.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/15/1512:01 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
