I agree and have been spending a lot of time away and in the master bedroom. I don't see her much but need a voice activated recorder. A CFI would be bad for WW. D4 often says "why is mommy always mad at you?" " Why is mommy always yelling at you" "Let's not talk to mommy" "Don't let mommy in our room"
It breaks my heart.
That is heartbreaking. It's bad enough what us BS's have to deal with, but when it impacts the kids, it's a whole new level of pain. I wouldn't make too many assumptions about whether a CFI would be good or bad for WW. There are a lot of jurisdictions where the mom has a distinct advantage over dad, simply be virtue of being the woman. It's an outdated mode of thinking but there are still people around who believe that mothers should always get primary custody.
Just keep taking care of your daughter the best you can, and protecting her if necessary. I would document everything you can, down to times WW spends with D4, things they do together, any irrational behavior by WW, etc. Also note all the time you spend with D4 and the positive things you are doing with her. It's difficult but sometimes the man does get primary custody. I recently did it myself - 3 minor sons and I get 2 of them 100%. My WW gets my youngest, S8, every other weekend but otherwise he's with me. I had logs going back 6 months showing how often WW was gone and how little time she really spent with her kids. Protect yourself and do what's best for your daughter.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I agree with a log. Everyday I put down the previous day's events. It is shocking some things you can go back and read. I try to just write facts no opinions.
When my kids were making comments about mom being different and expressing they were not happy with her I eventually found a way to tell her. I felt they still need a relationship with their mother. I noticed an improvement in her interaction with them but she still doesn't get it with the time spent with them.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Sorry I know I have lots of questions. I believe I read in one of your posts that you really felt a loss when you realized your H was not going to be your friend after the D. How did you realize he wasn't going to be your friend? what did he do?
No problem asking questions. Without going into too much details, my H was not one to react in anger, yell, or any of that stuff. I honestly thought he would be happy if I would let him be my friend....if I left him for OM. I had already said some pretty bad things, but had calmed down and made the statement (like so many other WW's) that I hoped we would remain friends. He very calmly, but confidently, told me that there would be no friendship. "We will not be divorced on the buddy-buddy system". It was no threat. I knew he meant every word! I was shocked!! I threw out a crumb and he had the nerve to refuse it? That is when I first felt a bit of reality hit me. I had known him since I was just a young teenager. And I could hardly imagine my life where he truly did not exist in the picture.
Ready for the next shocker? When I said something about leaving for a while and maybe deciding to return.....he told that once I left, there would be no coming back! I was stunned!! Second hit of reality.
Guess what? It was the first little bit of respect I felt for the man in years. Would I tell him? Oh, no. I wouldn't even admit it to myself, at first. But in my heart, I knew I did. I will never forget it as long as I live.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, how I wish I had done what Sandi's H did when he first had the talk. I foolishly allowed WW almost a month to "think about" things, during which time she solidified the R with current OM, effectively leading her to eventual move-out. I think if I had stood my ground at that moment and told her that if she left, that was it, the outcome may have been totally different. But no changing the past. Definitely listen closely to Sandi though - she knows what she's talking about.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Sandi, Thank you so much. This is perfect. Exactly what I needed to hear. She has already said she hopes our divorce can be amicable and we can have a relationship like she does with her current XH. They are friendly. She considers him one of her closest friends. I have a pretty open friendship with the XH. He has lived with us and I've stayed with him when WW was out of control angry. He says if it wasn't for the boys he wouldn't have anything to do with her and he can't stand her.
Hopefully I get another chance to tell her "we are not going to be buddy buddy. I don't want a buddy who wouldn't fight for our family and chose to leave us."
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
I remember telling H if we wound up D, he'd never see me again. It didn't seem like it affected him at the time, but now I have to wonder...
I meant it, too. I said, "You may hope we can be friends, but you need to think about the fact that I will never be able to handle seeing you with someone else. If we wind up D, you will NOT see me again. I will go out of my way to make that happen."
You are very welcome, and I hope maybe some others will see it as only one of my reasons for telling LBH'S not to become the WW's BFF. It isn't the only reason, just one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is very timely information since my H is pushing for D but also adamant about how we have "had such a long run" (been together since we were teenagers) and we need to stay friends. My instinct was to tell him we cannot be friends if we D, so I'm glad someone else is confirming that choice.
Yeah....why would I want to be friends with someone who with out remorse completely defiled the M. Someone who continues to be unfaithful even though I declared my desire to forgive and reconcile. I will not be friends with a person who is unwilling to fight for our M, someone who will choose to tear apart our home and family. UGH! Just venting
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
I had already said some pretty bad things, but had calmed down and made the statement (like so many other WW's) that I hoped we would remain friends. He very calmly, but confidently, told me that there would be no friendship. "We will not be divorced on the buddy-buddy system". It was no threat. I knew he meant every word! I was shocked!! I threw out a crumb and he had the nerve to refuse it? That is when I first felt a bit of reality hit me. I had known him since I was just a young teenager. And I could hardly imagine my life where he