Calibri, thinking more about your advice. The problem with communicating with the inlaws. I can not actually talk to MIL because she lies and manipulates words, will say one thing to my face and then the second someone else walks in the room suddenly the story changes. She will say the most bizarre, inappropriate, mean spirited things and then deny them. My best defense is to keep away from her. In the past I asked H to stick up for me, to draw some boundaries to keep her away from me. That failed. So now I just don't let her get to me, I don't react, I keep busy and try to avoid being alone with her or having real conversations with her. That has been working for me. She still has H's full attention and is spinning him up about me, that I cannot control.
So I have stopped reacting, stopped complaining, and I am trying to speak up for basic logistical needs. I am adding the flowers as a kind gesture, because it popped into my head to do something kind and I know that in her own way, she is hurting and she believes I am the cause of it. H keeps telling me this anyway. Speaking to her will only come back to hurt me. Because she will lie and twist my words.
I have taken H out of the middle of things, but I can't really be in the middle either, I have to maintain a pleasant distance and just keep an eye on my kids that they don't get drawn into this. I am trying to not contribute to this dynamic anymore. For 8 months I have been withdrawing, and keeping a safe distance. I feel like doing something like sending flowers, is just trying in a different way to extend peace. My H is desperate for peace, he keeps making comments about how much his mother is suffering, I know I am not the cause, and I know I cannot fix it, but if I can think of small ways to extend an olive branch without inflaming the situation, I think that could possibly help. I do want peace. I do not want a full-fledged relationship with this woman, I do not believe it is in my best interests, but I do want peace.
I might be trying to control the situation, but I also think I might just be trying to be the best person I can be, and to take any actions I can that could possibly help. Or maybe I can't let go.
Thank you for your post, I am thinking on your words.
