LBH, Nearly 2 Years

[dwh15]

The choice was mutual. I made sure not to influence her decision. Each time we discussed I allowed her to speak first, validated, then shared my thoughts. W is a very emotional person to begin with BUT never thought this would have such an impact on us. W says (and I believe her when she shares) that the choice was mutual but she does blame me for not being there that day (she is emotional but never shows weakness but this will always get her eyes tearing). Absolutely, I question myself daily on the choice made.

That's rough, but like you said, no way to change the past. My WW has dumped on me all the times she "tried" to tell me there were problems and get me to work on our M. My recollection is quite different, and in hindsight, I do see some signs but I think it's a common problem in marriages. Men and women communicate differently, leading to frustration, and breakdown. All you can do is learn from the past and try to do it better in the future. Same for your W.

I am certain on the timing of W’s EA. The proof is the cell phone records and W acknowledged OM was there as a friend during those times as someone outside of our social circle she could talk too. I did confront her at that time and we went to MC (1st MC) for a brief time (she showed remorse). Where I failed was I thought MR was strong and allowed that friendship to start back up a few months after (which led to PA).

Very common scenario for a WW. I let mine hang out with a mutual "friend" alone quite often for several months. I knew the guy, trusted him, and trusted my W. He didn't even seem like her type and I had no fear that she was capable of having an A. Again, not much you can do now but learn from the past and do it better from now on. No M is affair-proof. NOw you know and can do it better next time.

She does share that abortion not only broke her but changed her; that the issue (wayward, affair) are her problem; that she cannot be fixed (that there is nothing to fix with respect to MR because it does not exist). She also has said this is her decision and she has to live with it whatever the outcome.

An abortion is a very traumatizing event for a woman. My WW went through 3 consecutive ones and the last just about killed her emotionally. We can sympathize as men but I don't think can ever truly understand the depth of the pain and loss. But that still doesn't excuse her having an A. Rather than turn to her partner, she went looking for comfort outside the M. The whole thing about "the MR does not exist" is more common WW script. Mine actually said she wasn't currently cheating on me because our M had been over for years, and she "emotionally divorced" me a long time ago. Don't try to make sense of it. But she's right in a way, as the old M is dead and any future you two have together will be in a brand new M.

This is her domain, 2 masters in counseling/therapy and her line of work. I am LBH who is being DB. She points out that if it was not for the A things for me would not have changed (that I would still be the oblivious H). Reading the books, the A is me feeling the lost and I see her GAL and 180s but I also experience the WW activities (and it is killing me). Oh, did I share she is STUBBORN too (the most hardheaded woman I know).

She's probably right about the A. I think that almost every LBH could say the same thing; you changed because of the A. That doesn't justify the A. My guess is that most men would take things just as serious and do the work they need if a W would simply ask for a S or D. Men sometimes need a good kick in the butt to get the message, but there is never a reason to have an A - it just makes everything worse.

Every WW is hardheaded. Maybe that is part of your W's personality and she's always been that way, but even if not, she will definitely be that way now. Read Sandi's posts about the WW mindset and how they become filled with rebellion.