Photoka's new thread (this one spelled correctly.)

[Calibri]

There was an email from MIL a few days ago, the first communication I've had since early September. She said "a few people have asked, we will be hosting thanksgiving again." That was it. I emailed back "thank you for the update, I wasn't sure because FIL was discussing alternatives, what can I bring?" She responded back "Nothing, it will be the same old boring menu." So I responded back "Its never boring, its traditional and always delicious. I will bring a vegetarian dish for D, if you change your mind I don't mind bringing something else, just let me know, we are looking forward to seeing you."

Too much, IMO.

I then told D that the holiday was on, she said she knew, grandma had emailed her. I asked her if she had heard FIL discussing other options. She said yes, and grandma too, she told D that it was getting too hard for her to do every year and asked if she'd be disappointed if they didn't do it. So here is the deal. I have heard comments like this for the last 3-4 years. Every year I tell H and mention that we could host. Every year he snaps at me that this is his mother's holiday. He is abrupt and rude about it, as though I am trying to steal something from his mother. Even last week during our anniversary dinner he made an abrupt comment about it.

This isn't the first time I have wondered if a significant part of the problems between the IL's and me is that H does not communicate with any of us, and because of the history of crap between us, we just talk "through" H, who isn't talking at all. So MIL could be thinking why the heck isn't someone else offering to host, I am thinking, when am I going to get my chance to host, H thinks everything is fine with the status quo and shuts down any discussion about it.

H entertains conversations about me with the IL's, assumes they are correct, and rages at me. I am not talking anymore so that is one sided, but in the past I had my times when I talked to H about my issues with the IL's, and he would get upset and try to smooth things over , but it was always very obvious to me that he was reluctant to stand up to his parents. I am thinking H hasn't handled any of this well, has always tried to please everyone by taking the most passive way out, or ignore the situation completely. In the process H got overwhelmed and shut down completely, I became more angry with the IL's, and they became more angry with me. And now this huge mess.

Just to be clear, I haven't handled it well either and neither have the IL's. The whole situation is a mess.

Did you marry my stbx? From the beginning of our relationship, stbx kept me away from his parents, claimed he didn't want me to be exposed to their dysfunction and his mom's addictions (she was in a really bad drinking phase at that point). I wondered why he wouldn't introduce me to his parents, his parents wondered why I wasn't coming around and having family dinners and it just snow balled from there and ALOT of resentment grew between his mother and myself because we both felt the other was an uppity bitch, to put it nicely, and was really put off that the other wasn't trying to cultivate a relationship. I later learned that stbx was, for a lack of better words, playing all of us. And not in a malicious way, but he was re-enacting survival techniques that came from a childhood that was less than ideal and filled with addictions, abuse, illness, etc. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, and then in turn tell his parents what they wanted to heat, in an effort to keep the peace. Once I finally figured out what was going on, it was too late. Both myself and his parents had become entrenched in our negative opinions of one another. The problem is, we relied on STBX to be the middle conversation man, when we ALL should've been adults and had conversations with each other. I learned that they had tried to visit throughout the years, but STBX shut them down and discouraged them from visiting. They learned (but subsequently didn't believe -- and that's on them) that I had been encouraging STBX to forge a better relationship with them and to visit them more, but he wouldn't because he thought that I would be upset.

It became a big mess. HUGE mess. And because we all didn't know how to communicate with one another, we're reviewing divorce paperwork. Two days before our wedding anniversary. It blows.

Basically, I've been where you are. And it didn't work so well for me.

My advice to you is this: stop counting on your H to convey your thoughts and needs to the IL. You need to do this yourself. It puts less pressure on your H, it asserts yourself as a person the IL's can/should listen to (doesn't mean that they will), and it might be helpful in thawing temperatures with you and them. And in general, never count on anyone to represent yourself the way you can.

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Also, this is completely out of left field - but, honestly, are you afraid of this not working out? I get that you don't want to be divorced. None of us do. But I see you, for a lack of better words, grasping at any reason that could be causing H's issues and the breakdown of your marriage. Mental illness, addiction, depression, etc. I'm not saying that it's wrong not to want answers, but I see alot of myself in you and your situation. And I know for the better part of a year I was in full denial. I thought that there was some answer that would explain this all. And if I had the cause, and in turn, the answer - then I could fix it. And I've learned I can't fix it. And I'm going to have to be ok with it.

So my question to you is this - what are you fearful of? What's making you so scared of letting go? What do you need to let him go and let go of your need to control every aspect of this?

(And this is all said with love from a HUGE CONTROL FREAK, who is irritated that she can't fix any of this.)