Avanti, Jpeg, and Mona - all three of you are correct. First, I thought myself into a hole. I told H we needed space. Why the heck am I troubled because he didn't call? He knows he wrecked my world with his confession, so he more than likely is giving me the space I said we needed. I did not call, nor will I. He will be home this weekend.
What have I done for me? Not much more than crying my eyes out. That's over for now. I've got so many things to do, and I'm not getting any of them done. It's time to refocus and get back to work. There's only one more full week to get through before both Retrouvaille and MC. I've got plenty of other things to focus on between now and then. I haven't even completed my goals, so I won't even see progress if we begin to make it!
I've stopped walking - which I know is a disaster for me. Getting out and exercising is KEY to managing my depression. No wonder I keep sinking lower and lower. No more excuses! Walking begins again today.
I need to work up a new resume and start looking for a part-time job with my new skill again. I let that go, too. I absolutely NEED to do that.
Jpeg - H keeps referencing blackmail because he realized he was going to be screwed in divorce court. I have health ailments that would qualify me for disability, he was in an affair, and I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 21 years now. He was going to wind up having to pay me for life. If it went to court, it wouldn't be good for him. That is his official story.
I think it is part of the reason he suddenly decided to change his direction, but only part. For some reason, he needs to tell himself this story. That's what he's telling all his friends, too. He can't leave me because I'm blackmailing him.
I believe he's really struggling and confused. He knows he's making the wrong choice, but really doesn't want to admit that. The kids are angry with him, and what they think really matters to him. He also realized they would NEVER accept the skank he was having an affair with. My daughter flat out told him any woman involved with a married man had issues.
Right now, he's sad and angry. He's missing his A partner and feels stuck with me. Yesterday, I couldn't deal with it. Today I realized nothing has changed. I still need to DB to the best of my ability - if for no other reason than to be at peace with myself when all is said and done.
I still suspect MLC, which I don't think MC or Retrouvaille will help with, but who knows? Maybe something will cause him to really look at himself and start asking some questions. He's purely focused on my as the cause of all his misery. I've owned my part in this. I'm moving on from it. Can't change the past, just looking at what I can affect here in the present and in the future.
I don't know where my wisdom goes when it comes to myself! I guess because there's so much emotion tied up in everything, I can't see clearly. I know I thank God every day for this forum, and the people in it who have led me through some really dark times. I would have given up and walked away long ago...and been miserable for the rest of my life.
Thanks again, everyone!You are indeed a blessing to me.
