Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Darn you Photoka... So I see you posted this on your thread...

When you have problems in your marriage, people often tell you that you should get out, or that you shouldn't "put up with that crap." Then you begin to second guess yourself.
Don't.
If you fight for your marriage, regardless of the types or severity of your problems, it shows your integrity and your love for your marriage. You're not weak if you're willing to deal with less-than-optimal treatment from your spouse. You're simply working towards a better future.
Hang in there.
Michele Weiner-Davis

I read stuff like this and I totally agree. Marriages are worth fighting for. Keep fighting the good fight.

But.... Fighting when the person you are fighting for is treating you like crap seems insane! But not fighting hurts.

I think I have been on a fence too long and it is time to make a decision. If I was truly done with my M, his words last night would not have killed me. If I was really, really done with jerk face, I would not hang out HERE of all places.

Actually, I hate to admit it, but I also really, really, really screwed up last night because I was so upset. I smoked 2 cigarettes.
2
cigarettes
Weeks of work, down the tubes. I did not BUY a pack, and I have none with me and I have no plans to buy a pack. You dont need to slap me with a bunch of 2x4's. I KNOW and I wont do that again.

So I am going to actually get off the fence and decide, 100% all in, I am going to fight for the stinking poor excuse of a M. My goal is to have my M back in order in HALF the time as last time. So a year and a half. That is it! March 21st 2017 is my absolute final deadline.

(Yes, I am still going out Friday and Saturday. I am Catholic, but NOT a nun and I never will be.)

cr@p cr@p cr@p... this is gonna stink... DB'ing is hard.

But I know what needs to happen.

1. I need to move
2. I need to get in better shape (HE NEVER EVER asked me to do this)
3. I need to get financially better, like high middle class better...


I have my personal goals moving along. So I need some R goals to work on so I know when things are going in the right direction.

Ok, I am already stuck. I need ONE relationship goal. I got nothing... He is not gonna text or call. I am not gonna text or call. MWD says it has to be something small and something I can accomplish within 2 weeks.

Ok, I have something, but I have serious doubts it will happen. My S has a soccer game on Saturday. H has not come to ANY of course. I will ask my D or S or mom to invite him. I have zero expectations he will show. But my first R goal is to see H at a soccer game. I will know our M is moving in the right direction if I am able to see H.

Last night, while he was in my home, I was sitting in the kitchen. Instead of waiting in the living room with D15, because the other 2 were not ready, he made it a point to follow me into the kitchen. He actually followed me from Kitchen into the living room, then when I tried to get away from him and go back into the kitchen he followed me. So I know we can be near each other. That will be the very first sign our R is moving.

I feel better, like more relieved now hat I finally decided. But this is gonna stink.

[Ancaire]

Mona, at the moment, I totally get where you're coming from. My H is treating me so badly...just want to end this pain, move on, get out...

But...

How will I feel in one month, one year, two years? If I don't stand and fight, I'll never know. That will haunt me for the rest of my life. Darn it.

I will be on this journey with you - reluctantly DBing. I will hate myself forever if I don't. I never would have imagined my biggest battle would be with myself!

I find myself being lured into the Divorce Trap...and I know better! Sounds like you're in a similar position.

Really proud of you for making such a tough decision. I'll be looking to you for wisdom.

[OhGreat]

Look at you Mona. Good start. Goals, their funny, setting achievable 2 week goals for me is really hard. I just look for improvements where possible. I figure it's something.

DON'T beat yourself up over the cigs (no 2x4 here-you're amazing for doing this now! And the diet and exercise at the same time is an awesome idea and a great show of inner strength). The week is not a waste. You need to get to 90 days and it gets easier. It's science (really they did a study). Are you using anything? Gum? You should maybe if you're not, or if you are, DON'T try to wean yourself off. You're in a very bad place to give up your crutches. I have even gone to sleep with my nic supplement in my mouth. It will help avoid slipping. BTW 7 months, no cigs, thankfully.

[Mona52]

I have accomplished zero personal goals today, except my exercising. I am going to lose weight no mater what!

I have done no school work, only the smallest amount of regular work, no work towards getting a stupid customer, no work on those chapters.

i have the cable man coming to my home tomorrow because my internet is unacceptable and I need to get all those rooms clean tonight so I will not have time.

But I CANT allow myself to go to bed until I complete the following (gulp)

1. both chapters of the book edited and TURNED IN!
2. School work 75% complete, so 8 pages of the paper written!
3. brochures picked up and envelopes stuffed!
4. Intercession report for work and Sysaid for work!
5. Living room, kitchen, stairs, halls, Vic's room, Tif's room, my room and bathroom presentable (not perfect, but presentable...)
6. S11 to soccer and picked up from soccer
7. D16 picked up from work
8. Dinner (chicken)
9. Drink 3 beers after kids get home to de-stress (yuck)

Ok, so if I add that all up, I have 11 hours of work to do before I am allowed to go to bed and it is 1:30. Easily done... but I gotta get off these forums! Wish me luck...

[mahhhty]

I like Number 9. Good Luck!

[Vanilla]

Mona

I see you are a little like me. You push yourself very hard. It isn't a bad thing.

Can I offer a word on it.

This is a little like fighting a great war. Germany failed in both wars and France in Nepolionic times because the leaders, including Hitler and Neopleon tried to advance on too many fronts. England a sea nation was defending tightly on its shores with forays into enemy territories.

Pick your advances prioritise and concentrate.

If necessary a theme a day or a month.

Deal with the important first.

WH must pay his share of the Fins, keep an account on it. Send it monthly, ask in advance before you spend. Cut the borrowing.

Ask for the cash, be business like about it. Without emotion, look after you and the kids. The kids have to economise too. It's OK to say I can't afford it, they are old enough to learn.

If you read my threads you will see that I struggle on fins too. There are some good resources out there on fins, try prosperity place there are free podcasts and MP3 on fins.

We can ask some questions, as always V no thanks is OK?

Why do you think you over spend?

Why is debt OK?

Do you ever say no to your kids?

Is overspendingthe key factor in the R?

What lack within yourself is spending filling?

----------------------

You may want to look at Jellybean sitch because she addressed at long last a physical issue that distressed her. The internal work had to be resolved first, then she let go of her zig zag scar.

V

[Rick1963]

Really Mona? Were these expectations of your H?

[mutatio]

I wanted to check in and say your choice "being all in" was a good one.

[Mona52]

Thanks Mahh! I never made it to number 9, but I de-stressed by taking my daughter to an Italian restaurant at 10:00pm for a sinful dessert (only dessert).

Hi V,
I work hard, but it is OK with me because I can handle ALOT. If I can do 10 things in one day and I only do 5, I cannot look at the 5 things I got done and be happy, I think about the 5 things I did not do and I feel guilt and disappointed in myself. You guys have heard part of what I do in a day, probably more than anyone else in my world knows right now, but I have only posted 50% here, because you just would not believe it if I actually typed my plans and goals.

I think I am having an issue getting cash from him because it has been all on my shoulders for so long. I made DB'ing mistakes in the past. I went from him leaving me while I had no job to him returning as me as the bread winner. Since I made more, the bulk of responsibility has been on my shoulders. So he has been able to off load when he needed to. It spiraled to now he expects me to just take care of everything.

I do not think I overspend except in 2 areas. Our clothes come from thrift shops, I do not buy decorations and other household stuff, and I just got my hair done for the first time in many years. We get groceries from the discount grocery store. My H on the other hand over spends. He makes $100 and spends $1000, I make $1000 and spend $100. Except in 2 areas. The first area I WAY overspend is the kids school. I cannot really afford for them to go to a catholic private school. But I will eat grass before I take them out. Speaking of eating, the other way I completely overspend is dinner. We go out to eat so much. The reason is I am too tired to cook, and instead of going out, I should have my kids make dinner, or I should cut back on other activities, I know this and I should really try to do better.

I do not really have debt myself. My credit is golden, which is why I was able to get increases on my line on my card to float through this mess. It is my H's credit that is in the toilet, and I cant help that.

On the next point, you got me dead to rights... I have a hard time saying no to the kids. ESPECIALLY now. I really feel if I would have never chosen that man to marry, they would not be going through this right now. When I look at them, I feel like him not calling is my fault, so when they ask for anything I move a mountain to get it.

Thanks Rick! No my expectations of myself had nothing to do with what I expect him, or others to do. For example, a few years ago, one of my nieces gave me a silly Rubik's cube for my birthday. I took it home, mixed it up and solved it. And I did it again, and again. I started to time myself. I can do it now in about 3 minutes. I never, ever solved it in front of anyone else at that time, because I was so embarrassed it took me 3 minutes. Even typing it here I feel like everyone reading thinks that is pathetic. I would never expect my H or kids to even be able to solve 2 sides, heck one side, in three minutes, or at all.

My expectations of my H were clearly told to him. I asked him to try and keep promises to me, and to sleep in bed with me most nights. He likes to play on the computer alot. I'm good with that, but I am not good with spending night after night alone on bed.
And it really hurts my feelings if H tells me he will do something and then doesn't even try to do it, and doesn't acknowledge he did not get it done. I wont ask him go get one of the kid's birthday presents at the store. But if he tells me he will take care of it, then I do expect him to at least try to get to the store. He would tell me he would get something done, then sit on the computer all night or just not do it. He would never say "I'm sorry, i did not do x." He just never acknowledge it at all.

It is the same with the kids. I expect D16 to get A's, because she is more than able to. I expect D15 to get C's, that is her ability. I expect my S11 to not get detention, which apparently is too much to expect. But I have different expectations for each person in my life because we are all different. My expectations for myself is miles more then any person, because I can handle it.

THANKS mutatio! I am trying hard today to think that way. Thoughts have crossed my mind that I jumped off the fence in reaction to his words instead of thoughtful decision making. But I keep pushing them away. I can do a few things to make my M better, and if I do them and they do not work, then I will know I tried my hardest.

I hope I answered all the responses. Thanks so much for stopping by!

[Mona52]

So I got my list done yesterday. Except for the beer, but I substituted chocolate so it is all good.

I'm so glad because my mind and hands were busy so I was not able to ride the emotional roller coaster.

I was even able to get a few extra things done. One thing was magical. It was so stupid, but it was so great. I picked my S up from soccer and I took him to get a uniform shirt from KMart. I thought I had an hour until my D was going to get off work. So I never checked my phone the whole time I was in the store until the very end. We were standing in line, and of course the lady in front of me had an issue, and it was the only open register. So after 10 minutes, when I normally would had been beyond irritated, we were still waiting on the price check issue and me and my S fell into a conversation that had us both rolling. We were belly-laughing and having such a good time I forgot we were supposed to be irritated because we were stuck in line.
Had I checked my phone, none of that would have happened. It turned out my D got off work early. Since I did not see her text, she started walking home, in the dark through a park! GRRRRR. Unbelievably, she walked right past my H's house where my mom and H were and never asked either of them to take her home.

I saw the texts and was able to pick her up in the park. I drove right past a gang of not friendly looking teens to get to her and it was kinda scary. I dont mind being a single parent, but I hate being an only parent.

I was supposed to go out with my mom for dinner tonight, but she just cancelled on me so I have a few hours to relax a bit. I just home my brain takes the opportunity to relax and not stress or focus on pain.