Feeling down today. After talking to W last night, I feel so much worse. Lonely. I miss the old her so much. This is the first time I have cried in over a week. All she really said was "I just can't get past it". It was when I would drink too much and we would have an argument. "It" would happen once or twice a year. "It" was when we would finally vent at each other everything that we had bottled up since the last time.
I know my mistakes. I quit repeating them. I have tried to make amends. She will not forgive them. Refuses, and apparently wants to live in the past.
I hate that there is nothing I can do here. I can't fix this, or help her through this or anything.
I don't like it that she wants to act like she's my friend. I asked her last night why she was following me and showing me pics, etc. She said that she was doing it for S4. He wasn't even there? Rewriting history? Told me that she was just trying to be nice. She MAY see it as nice, I see it as painful
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Stop thinking about it like this. You ARE doing something. Doing nothing is an active choice you are making to help your marriage. Every day you do nothing is a day that you did SOMETHING to improve your chances of reconciling.
All she really said was "I just can't get past it".
Believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do.
She's justifying in her mind the reasons she's doing this. She's trying to convince herself that she's not making a mistake. This was a perfect opportunity to validate.
Thanks guys. I should have validated, you are right. Didn't even occur to me because I was upset for S8.
Nothing is something, I need to remember that.
And yes, her reason for wanting a D is that phrase I just can't get past it. I am hopeful that one day, something will click, and she does get past it.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Remember...it isn't simply a couple times getting drunk. It's the fact that you said you venting everything that had stored up since the last time.
That is the real issue...everything that you guys aren't dealing with that gets stored up.
You say you miss the old her. I'm right there with you because I have a big lonely spot that my wife used to fill.
I have come to think of the dynamic between us and our 'old spouses' much like a WAS and an affair partner. Just like they are addicted to their affair partner, we are addicted to our 'old spouse'.
I know how hard it is cause I've been going through the same thing...just have to tough it out with detachment and GAL.
I am sure it does get easier, eventually. I still hope that I can find the girl I had up until last year. You are exactly right that the true problem was letting things build up and fester. I have been working on that in counseling, so I am better at it now. I was always afraid to tell my feelings, but I think I am over that now
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
D - You've been on my mind all morning. I think because our situations are a bit similar. Your wife seems so confused, just like my H.
I don't know where you live, so I'm suggesting you check out the basic link for Retrouvaille. Check and see if there's something in your area. The website gives suggestions for getting a reluctant spouse to go. The program has a success rate of 80% for saving marriages. Type in the name followed by .org
If you can talk her into going, just to see if it might help you co-parent more easily (official excuse) you just might be able to communicate better, and have a great chance at saving your M.
I've seen it mentioned all over this website, so I hope I don't get in trouble for suggesting it.
