Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Darn you Photoka... So I see you posted this on your thread...

When you have problems in your marriage, people often tell you that you should get out, or that you shouldn't "put up with that crap." Then you begin to second guess yourself.
Don't.
If you fight for your marriage, regardless of the types or severity of your problems, it shows your integrity and your love for your marriage. You're not weak if you're willing to deal with less-than-optimal treatment from your spouse. You're simply working towards a better future.
Hang in there.
Michele Weiner-Davis

I read stuff like this and I totally agree. Marriages are worth fighting for. Keep fighting the good fight.

But.... Fighting when the person you are fighting for is treating you like crap seems insane! But not fighting hurts.

I think I have been on a fence too long and it is time to make a decision. If I was truly done with my M, his words last night would not have killed me. If I was really, really done with jerk face, I would not hang out HERE of all places.

Actually, I hate to admit it, but I also really, really, really screwed up last night because I was so upset. I smoked 2 cigarettes.
2
cigarettes
Weeks of work, down the tubes. I did not BUY a pack, and I have none with me and I have no plans to buy a pack. You dont need to slap me with a bunch of 2x4's. I KNOW and I wont do that again.

So I am going to actually get off the fence and decide, 100% all in, I am going to fight for the stinking poor excuse of a M. My goal is to have my M back in order in HALF the time as last time. So a year and a half. That is it! March 21st 2017 is my absolute final deadline.

(Yes, I am still going out Friday and Saturday. I am Catholic, but NOT a nun and I never will be.)

cr@p cr@p cr@p... this is gonna stink... DB'ing is hard.

But I know what needs to happen.

1. I need to move
2. I need to get in better shape (HE NEVER EVER asked me to do this)
3. I need to get financially better, like high middle class better...


I have my personal goals moving along. So I need some R goals to work on so I know when things are going in the right direction.

Ok, I am already stuck. I need ONE relationship goal. I got nothing... He is not gonna text or call. I am not gonna text or call. MWD says it has to be something small and something I can accomplish within 2 weeks.

Ok, I have something, but I have serious doubts it will happen. My S has a soccer game on Saturday. H has not come to ANY of course. I will ask my D or S or mom to invite him. I have zero expectations he will show. But my first R goal is to see H at a soccer game. I will know our M is moving in the right direction if I am able to see H.

Last night, while he was in my home, I was sitting in the kitchen. Instead of waiting in the living room with D15, because the other 2 were not ready, he made it a point to follow me into the kitchen. He actually followed me from Kitchen into the living room, then when I tried to get away from him and go back into the kitchen he followed me. So I know we can be near each other. That will be the very first sign our R is moving.

I feel better, like more relieved now hat I finally decided. But this is gonna stink.