I'm pretty new at this but if I'm understanding it correctly......Don't call....he needs to be reaching out to you. He needs to prove he is committed to the M. He's going to do what he's going to do and you can't control it nor should you want to. You are not and do not want the burden of being responsible for his choices.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Hey Anc. The real reason I linked my old thread was because it was my wake up moment. The first few months I was DBing I had no idea how different the sky looked in STBX's world. I thought she was a certain way. I learned quickly she wasn't.
It appeared that she had 10 different personalities with 10 different guys based on her text histories. She was playing everyone, me, my mom, her family, my sister, she told us all different things, spun things, manipulated people. In the middle of it she was drinking to black out drunk nightly, running from consequences and reality, and medicating with guys and drugs like crazy. Once I saw that I was able to really start to let go.
Detachment takes time, but seeing her in this light made me realize I wasn't dealing with a whole person. I was dealing with alcohol, or drugs, or other men. Not her. She was just a vessel for these diseases. I have no desire to be in a relationship with those medications. So I have backed away and have kept a safe distance since.
I really got the feel that your H was saying many of the things you wanted to hear. Just as STBX was to me the week before all hell broke loose. Why did she do this? She was desperate. Lonely. Didn't want to lose what she knew she was about to lose. Trying to stay in control of a situation about to get away from her. Etc.
Have you read the book Hearts In Atlantis by Stephen King? In one part he describes the Hearts game that took over his dorm in college. How the students got so obsessed with playing hearts they fell behind in their classes, to the point where they were in danger of flunking out of college and getting drafted in the army. But they all kept on playing, dozens of them, it was like it was happening to someone else, they couldn't stop. Then on Thanksgiving break the main character tried to catch up on his school work, hired a tutor, resolved to not let that happen again...until he got back and heard someone eating the queen of spades and couldn't help himself, he was drawn back into the game and next thing he knew he was out of control again.
I feel your H is fighting to be in control of himself, his life, and to avoid losses he is truly terrified of. But I have this eerie feeling that he's not in control, that you're not dealing with him, that you're dealing with a diseased person.
I hope I'm wrong. If I am then being cautions won't change the behavior and commitment of a healthy man. But please be careful not to expect him to be rational. This is just way too familiar to me.
With that said please keep posting, keep taking care of yourself, and have faith.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I have a sinking feeling you're right. I truly suspect MLC. He seems so childlike at times. I never know which version I will be dealing with. Everything I know about MLC is freaking depressing. Years to come out of it, if then!
Ancaire, you are allowing thoughts to create what your think is your reality and you've got some mental monsters. Is the fact that one call hasn't taken place a basis for completely understanding where things stand? Work towards not allowing a single act to have such a huge influence over you. You can be right because he should have called, or you can do the right thing.
You spent some time away from your H to get some space and to think, that doesn't mean think yourself into a hole. It was to clarify your thinking, set some goals, form a plan and act. What does your plan look like? Are your goals sound? If so, then put the plan into action, if not get back to formulations these key pieces of your strategy.
Consult your plan, not your feelings.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Ancaire you have mentioned a couple of times that you H says you are blackmailing him. What is that all about? Sorry if you explained it I must have missed that part. Either way he is willing to go to MC and Retrouvialle - and that willingness is something right?
((((Judy)))) I can't really help you other than a great big hug right now. I am thinking of you and I know you can get to the other end of this. He might call OW if you dont call. He might call OW if he sees the toothpaste tube squeezed from the middle. He might call OW if he stubs his toe. No matter what you do, or dont do he might call OW.
She is not you, and she never, ever will be.
He might be wondering what you are doing right now. He might finally have cause to worry that his actions have lost you. He might act in a manner to get you back if he has these feelings. If you call him, he will never have a chance to feel these feelings. So not calling is always a better idea.
And you not calling him is hard, but not the hardest thing. I think the hardest part is dealing with the fact that he did not call you. ouch! I feel the same way. freaking ouch!
All that pain means is that you are still relying on him. It is a mental rubber band that you need to obsess about something else, like you for instance.
ok,ok, one more hug before I go (((JUDY)))
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Avanti, Jpeg, and Mona - all three of you are correct. First, I thought myself into a hole. I told H we needed space. Why the heck am I troubled because he didn't call? He knows he wrecked my world with his confession, so he more than likely is giving me the space I said we needed. I did not call, nor will I. He will be home this weekend.
What have I done for me? Not much more than crying my eyes out. That's over for now. I've got so many things to do, and I'm not getting any of them done. It's time to refocus and get back to work. There's only one more full week to get through before both Retrouvaille and MC. I've got plenty of other things to focus on between now and then. I haven't even completed my goals, so I won't even see progress if we begin to make it!
I've stopped walking - which I know is a disaster for me. Getting out and exercising is KEY to managing my depression. No wonder I keep sinking lower and lower. No more excuses! Walking begins again today.
I need to work up a new resume and start looking for a part-time job with my new skill again. I let that go, too. I absolutely NEED to do that.
Jpeg - H keeps referencing blackmail because he realized he was going to be screwed in divorce court. I have health ailments that would qualify me for disability, he was in an affair, and I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 21 years now. He was going to wind up having to pay me for life. If it went to court, it wouldn't be good for him. That is his official story.
I think it is part of the reason he suddenly decided to change his direction, but only part. For some reason, he needs to tell himself this story. That's what he's telling all his friends, too. He can't leave me because I'm blackmailing him.
I believe he's really struggling and confused. He knows he's making the wrong choice, but really doesn't want to admit that. The kids are angry with him, and what they think really matters to him. He also realized they would NEVER accept the skank he was having an affair with. My daughter flat out told him any woman involved with a married man had issues.
Right now, he's sad and angry. He's missing his A partner and feels stuck with me. Yesterday, I couldn't deal with it. Today I realized nothing has changed. I still need to DB to the best of my ability - if for no other reason than to be at peace with myself when all is said and done.
I still suspect MLC, which I don't think MC or Retrouvaille will help with, but who knows? Maybe something will cause him to really look at himself and start asking some questions. He's purely focused on my as the cause of all his misery. I've owned my part in this. I'm moving on from it. Can't change the past, just looking at what I can affect here in the present and in the future.
I don't know where my wisdom goes when it comes to myself! I guess because there's so much emotion tied up in everything, I can't see clearly. I know I thank God every day for this forum, and the people in it who have led me through some really dark times. I would have given up and walked away long ago...and been miserable for the rest of my life.
Thanks again, everyone!You are indeed a blessing to me.
You are mind reading Ancaire, stop it, stop the self fulfilling prophecies, will labelling your husband change anything? No.
Get walking, get your plan together and get you moving forward. The week will be over soon and you'll be at Retrouvaille. Having a PMA and open mind are key to getting things like that to really work for you. Going in with too many preconceived ideas or notions could derail the whole thing.
You've a lot to thankful for, the glass is half full, there's still a lot of hard work ahead and some pain to come but you are ready for that as you've prepared or are preparing your mind for it, right?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
