Becoming the Anchor, Part 2

[Zues126]

Hey Anc. The real reason I linked my old thread was because it was my wake up moment. The first few months I was DBing I had no idea how different the sky looked in STBX's world. I thought she was a certain way. I learned quickly she wasn't.

It appeared that she had 10 different personalities with 10 different guys based on her text histories. She was playing everyone, me, my mom, her family, my sister, she told us all different things, spun things, manipulated people. In the middle of it she was drinking to black out drunk nightly, running from consequences and reality, and medicating with guys and drugs like crazy. Once I saw that I was able to really start to let go.

Detachment takes time, but seeing her in this light made me realize I wasn't dealing with a whole person. I was dealing with alcohol, or drugs, or other men. Not her. She was just a vessel for these diseases. I have no desire to be in a relationship with those medications. So I have backed away and have kept a safe distance since.

I really got the feel that your H was saying many of the things you wanted to hear. Just as STBX was to me the week before all hell broke loose. Why did she do this? She was desperate. Lonely. Didn't want to lose what she knew she was about to lose. Trying to stay in control of a situation about to get away from her. Etc.

Have you read the book Hearts In Atlantis by Stephen King? In one part he describes the Hearts game that took over his dorm in college. How the students got so obsessed with playing hearts they fell behind in their classes, to the point where they were in danger of flunking out of college and getting drafted in the army. But they all kept on playing, dozens of them, it was like it was happening to someone else, they couldn't stop. Then on Thanksgiving break the main character tried to catch up on his school work, hired a tutor, resolved to not let that happen again...until he got back and heard someone eating the queen of spades and couldn't help himself, he was drawn back into the game and next thing he knew he was out of control again.

I feel your H is fighting to be in control of himself, his life, and to avoid losses he is truly terrified of. But I have this eerie feeling that he's not in control, that you're not dealing with him, that you're dealing with a diseased person.

I hope I'm wrong. If I am then being cautions won't change the behavior and commitment of a healthy man. But please be careful not to expect him to be rational. This is just way too familiar to me.

With that said please keep posting, keep taking care of yourself, and have faith.