I've given some thought to why I'm so all or nothing. It's the mentality that I have developed that's allowed me to achieve my goals, and do things no one else around me seems to be able to do.
It started when I played pool for money. At the time I didn't work. I won pool matches. That's what I did. If I lost, I couldn't call my apartment management company and tell them how lucky the other guy got. I had to pay or I got evicted at some point. If I showed up at the gas station and explained that I needed some gas but didn't have cash, they didn't really give a darn about whether or not I got hooked on my break, or how many balls my opponent slopped in. I learned there are two possible outcomes. Win, or lose. Either you get paid, or you pay the other guy. That's all that matters.
Boy is it tempting to blur those lines. Excuses. Consolation. "I lost but I played well. I wasn't really in the match today. I was jet lagged. I couldn't get used to the table. In these short sets there is just so much luck, it's like flipping coins. He had his career moment. I was in a fight with my SO. I didn't really care about this tournament anyway. I didn't really care if I lost, we weren't playing for that much, I was just laying it down so I could win more later." ON AND ON. God, to me it's all garbage. Just the static of thousands of losers explaining why they didn't have what it took to win.
I refused to buy in. But man, the pressure of having to win was crippling. No wonder people make excuses. The urge to just quit was so strong. The path was so hard. The pressure crushing down that said you can never lose, ever, to anyone, for any reason. It's not ok. No excuses. That pressure was so hard. There was a soft voice inside of me saying 'no one else pushes this hard, why can't you just let up a little, do your best, and just accept whatever happens, everyone loses once in a while, right?' Yes, when the pressure was so crushing that it felt like I couldn't go on the urge to listen to that voice was tempting. I could say I put up a good fight. I could point out that I won last week. I could point out that I still had a winning track record overall. But if I listened to that voice I wouldn't hit my goal.
It comes down to this: Do I want to be a champion, or do I want a story about why I wasn't? It's one or the other. It is black and white. All the others that murk up the waters, they are just trying to take the easy path and confuse the issue so the monumental gap between success and failure isn't so obvious. To me it is so clear I don't see how others can miss it.
Now pool may not matter to anyone else, but that's just one example. This is the same no bs approach I took to business, which is why I have almost never met my equal.
And this is the same attitude I took towards marriage: There are people that have life long marriages, and there are people that have stories about why they don't. One. Or. The. Other. If you tell me you got divorced, frankly, after that the rest is just a bunch of static about why you didn't keep your commitment, why you didn't achieve that goal. I don't really care. I don't want to hear it. You can tell it to your friends and family, and hang out with others that agree to buy your story if you buy theirs. Good for you. But all the story telling in the world won't replace the fact that your family is destroyed and you will never have another chance at achieving a life long marriage. And once you decide that there is ever a reason it's ok to walk it's a matter of when, not if, because marriage is that hard.
And while pool doesn't matter, and work isn't all that big of a deal, I think Marriage actually does. I think it is a big deal. I think loving and serving our partner and our family is actually what we're here to do. Not everyone has to agree, but those that walk down the aisle and take vows talk the talk. They just don't walk the walk.
For that reason I would never have walked from my M no matter how bad it was. We can all build cases, we all deserve better, our partners were all horrible. I don't care. I don't want a story about why I got divorced. I want a life long partnership. And nothing was going to stop me from achieving that short of my life.
As is my spouse walked away. She wins herself a heck of a story. And I and my family will pay the same price. She had valid reasons to feel the way she did. I made horrible mistakes. But zooming way out the fact is that I married a quitter. Black and white.
Hope this sheds some light on why I'm so black and white about some things. I know I seem crazy to a lot of people. Just realize it seems so clear to me it seems crazy others don't see it the way I do. Not judging, just different. No, I'm not easy to live with. No one is. She wasn't, I dealt with it. I am always working on myself, I am not the person I was two years ago, and I darn sure expect to be different in two more years, much less 10 or 20. It was up to her whether she wanted to crucify my failings or celebrate my qualities. And regardless of the failings I have I am a great man, that has done great things in my life, and will continue to. I will also continue to err. But while I'm not easy to live with, no one will ever have to worry about me finding reasons for walking, cheating, not providing for my family, or not giving my best to be the best man I can be ever day until they put me in the ground.
Last edited by Zues126; 10/14/1512:13 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
