Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

Quick post because I am at work-----

Cali and Job, I can't thank you enough for your wisdom and support. I think I finally get it. I have been waffling with the stepping back, scared of the outcome and too desperate to try and spend time with H. Something clicked in me last night. Honestly, it was like an out of body experience when I looked at H and said I wanted to go. It was surreal. I feel ready and strong enough to take this stand. I can do this.

Going to send H a message tonight. I know I don't need to, but I feel this need to and have for a while now. It is short and sweet and needs no reply, also explains my quick exit last night.

"Everything about the house on Peet Rd represents what our family, our home and myself were left for. It is hard for me to want to be a part of that...to be honest, overall it is hard for me to spend time together when we are living 2 separate lives. It is not working well for me, I hope you understand"

I say my peace, I pull back, and he will know why. I am ready

[mleigh4]

Or maybe, I won't send the message until something comes up, he can think whatever he wants about last night.

Or maybe, I just say nothing and follow through with actions. I will sit on that one.

Any suggestions or advice welcome. Thank you all again for helping me through this "wave" my path feels more like a swim than a walk for me. I am feeling much better, grounded with a goal to pull back. It feels very logical and right.

[CaliGuy]

I think I of all people love the flare for the dramatic statement... But I think after a good time dealing with this MLC it's best just to give yourself the speech and do your thing.... The MLCr seems to not remember much so a soap box speech or a grand pronouncement will not do much... I think just doing your thing and letting them wrestle with the why did they a is a nice flip of the table... Just my opinion

[mleigh4]

Ya, kind of like calling someone to tell them you are not talking to them anymore! Lol. I realized that after more thought. He hasn't given me the gift of his thoughts, so I will just keep to myself for now.

I apologized to S tonight for deserting him last night. I told him I have a hard time going to daddy's place sometimes, and last night was one of those times, but I hoped he had fun on the gokart. He said, it was horrible. I asked why. He said, because I don't like the go kart. (Sorry, but I saw that coming.) So I told S, that is fine to not like it right now. I said, just let daddy play on his go kart for now if you don't want to.

Looks like H did not get the reaction he was hoping for with his newest toy, add that to the collection. I am sure he is upset with us as usual, even better to lay low and distant right now.

[kml]

My oldest has very mild Aspergers (not diagnosed until adulthood) and was a geeky cautious child. My athletic daredevil ex could barely conceal his dismay. I'm sure he blamed me for any nerdiness our kids displayed.

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh, I think you are right not to make the grand pronouncement. The important thing is you are not doing things 'in relation to' H. You are just living your life on the basis that you guys are not in a R - you are coparents full stop. In your sitch that has been blurred at times and it sounds as though that isn't working for you and may be extending the status quo.

So, I would focus on making your own plans and gently withdrawing. What does that mean in practice? Brief drop offs, him not coming in for coffee, you being busy with friends and family on special occasions and so on. I think the balance is to maintain a good coparenting arrangement in respect of S, but move forward yourself as a newly single person.

Good luck xx

[mleigh4]

kml, my H is the same with our S, although he is getting better.

Hi Sotto, this journey is a constant mix of trying something and seeing how it goes. Not just for my H but for myself. My greatest achievement has been learning not to react.

I am happy with writing out my thought process, no need to fill H in. It's time for my own actions to speak volumes. What I need to be working on is how to approach doing Thanksgiving separate.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- out of curiosity, what do you guys normally do for Thanksgiving? Do you see extended family or do you keep it small? Are you going to do the same thing just w/o him or are you going to do something completely different? The only thing I am thinking is, what if H suggests dividing the day w/ S when you try to do something separate from him?

Our sitches are kind of similar in that there is still a lot of contact with spouses. I am sure my H would want to see our kids part of the day. In fact, he might have asked why I would have them and he wouldn't. Just a thought.

In addition to all of Sotto's great advice, if there are times it's sort of assumed that you all might do something together, I would make plans during that time. So, if Saturday afternoons he usually wants to do something (Costco lol) I would make plans then. But he will ask your son where you guys went. I am sure. This is what my H did. He would text my son and ask where we were and what we were doing. Your son is a little young for texting maybe, but H will be on a fact finding mission when things start to change.

So if there is a time where H has s and he invites you to hang with them, those are the times I think you should make other plans. He may ask you where you went/what you did or he may probe your son later. Just my .02.

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho. Since S was born, we stopped the driving all over town to visit family on the holidays fiasco. We stay at home and make a big feast. It is usually just us 3, and maybe his dad or my mom. Thursday night's are H night with son. So, I plan on letting him have S that day like normal (Thanksgiving) and having son with me for our own feast on Friday. I can go to a friend's on Thanksgiving if I don't want to be alone. This is my plan, we will see.....I can't imagine just the 3 of us being together....it would be nice, but allowing H to cake eat. I definitely don't want his dad over, I am done with the fake family time with his parents pretending as if everything is normal. Just too awkward for me.

We don't have any planned times all together, they are more spur of the moment, like movies and yes, Costco!

I really think mostly of S as far as stopping the family time. Honestly, I don't think he really cares. If anything, he seems to just want to be with me. Last time we went to the movies, he got upset that I had invited H, he has reacted that way before. I really am not sure what that is about, I feel like I am always telling him to be nice to daddy. My son is pretty mature for his age and we are very open with each other. I was thinking of mentioning my Thanksgiving plan to see his reaction...I really don't want to add to the damage being done, I feel I need to be careful about it.

I feel so detached these last couple of days. I swear, something clicked in me Monday night, almost like another phase closed and done. I am completely focused on the Halloween party Saturday night. S is so excited, he is counting down the days. All 5 of his buddies are coming and I have everything planned, house decorated.

My neighbor behind me came down into my yard tonight when he heard me outside. (We don't have fences, just trees) He wanted to let me know that the mountain lion is still hanging out at the water tank next to our lots. He was spotted today and yesterday, and got a deer next door. He is sure the lion is going through our yards to get around. My poor deer Hopefully he didn't get the mommy deer with the ripped ear, she comes with new babies every year, she has been around forever. Anyway, we are being extra cautious. I go out with my dog for potty breaks at night and will now keep her inside while at work. I am bringing my cat in early, not sure if I can keep her in though!

[Sotto]

"So, I plan on letting him have S that day like normal (Thanksgiving) and having son with me for our own feast on Friday. I can go to a friend's on Thanksgiving if I don't want to be alone. This is my plan, we will see....."

In that case, perhaps you could confirm your own plans with a friend for the Thursday and then if/when he asks about it you can let him know you have an invite and presume he'll spend that day with S & you'll make your own plans with S for the Friday.

Of course he may then say - oh, but we always spend it as a family? But then maybe you could say. Well, since we S that doesn't really work for me.

Hope this helps and good luck with whatever you decide xx