She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years

[NDY]

I dont think there is an EA or PA, there is no evidence of one and she has an extremely busy life around me. She is very honest and loyal and desparately doesn't want to hurt me or our boys.

Yip, mine too and while I was supporting her busy life she was in full blown A.

She just wants to be happy and to quote her 'is sick of making everyone else happy (me and the boys) at her expense

Ditto

I was suspicious back in 2012, checking her phone etc, but found no evidence other than my paranoia.

I have an open mind about it and will keep my eyes open for signs/evidence.

For me the evidence was right there in front of me but I just "couldn't believe my W would do that". But she did.

I think we have a classic sex starved marriage with a real inability to express our feelings to each other(for fear of hurting the other). To quote one of the books: a sexless, non communicative M is toxic.

My primary LL is Quality Time, Hers is Physical Touch....neither of us has been getting our primary LL or GIVING a primary LL to our partner.
We just complain we are not getting our LL....complaints and no action - at least on my part

Perhaps, I don't know but there is always more to it than a single thing.

[sandi2]

Oh, NDY, what a sweet (and encouraging) thing to say. Thank you.

Isittoolate, have you had your testeostom checked by a doctor? A lot of women just expect the man to be more aggressive about sex. If your testeostom level is low, it affects your drive, passion, and spontaneity. Plus, I would think that your W's expectations could be felt as pressure for you.

Why not talk to your doctor about your sexual history and ask him to run a test. While you are at it, ask for some mild sleeping pillis. No sleep only makes it worse while dealing with a WAW.

Has her sexual appetite changed, or is pretty much the same as always? I was just a kid when I married, and as I matured I wanted my H to be more agressive and passionate in our love making. Secretly, I wanted to know how it felt to be completely ravished in a moment of intense passion. (Guess I read too many romance novels).

Your W has been very open about what she wants, which a lot of women are like me and feel if they tell the man.....then it won't be authentic when he does it. So, at least you know what she desires.

Next question, does she still want sex although she's made it clear she is through with the M?

A couple of notes about your goals. Three out of four are about something your W will do. We can't set goals for another person, so are you saying that you have reached your goal whenever you hear these things or see these actions from her? If so, then how do you plan to work toward that accomplishment?

MC does no good when the W is not willing to save the M. It just causes her to want to get out faster b/c of the pressure she feels.

The action with the kids are wonderful. Be sure you are not doing it to impress your W, but genuinely to improve your R with the kids.

I want to suggest you set goals that are more focused on you. Have some goals that will turn into a lifelong change for you. Some people tend to quit, once they reach their goal. I wonder if that was part of the problem when you were reconciling with your W? It happens a lot, especially to me, b/c they have their eye on just getting the W back. It needs to carry him further.

I hope you will post often. People tend to become discouraged when a newcomer doesn't post regularly.

[isittoolate]

I will keep an open mind on the EA/PA....but I dont want paranoia to poison me

[Huddy]

Yeah, everything has got to be genuine. It's no good going home to night, ripping off her nightie and acting like something out of 'Fifty Shades'. It'll come across as false and you'll not be able to keep it up (no pun intended!).

Stop snooping. If you do find anything, it's only gonna hurt you. I learned that really early. My W isn't in an A, but she has a sister who is poison and the things I found her saying about me really piqued.

Lastly, this is a marathon not a sprint. Take your time.

[isittoolate]

Sandi2 ...Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

1. Testosterone check - Ive booked an appt with the doctor on Thursday - its worth checking for sure
2. W has always had the same sex drive and I think has had a lot, lot more partners than me (possibly 20-40) mainly during college days - flings as she calls them. In contrast I have had 6 including W. She never really told me as she thought I would get jealous/mad
3.She doesn't want sex with me...I cant hug her and she wont even let me massage her feet,,,her favourite massage of all.
4. My goals need adjusting into actionable ones....more later
5. a joint MC is on the backburner unless she initiates it...i will see one on my own for now

I am not snooping now.....that was back in 2012

I will try to write my sexual history which is a little complicated and put it into context with hers and our SSM.

[isittoolate]

Huddy - Its funny (not) but two weeks ago I started to read a book about assertiveness and alpha male status in the bedroom. I sought out books that dealt with dominance/assertiveness in the bedroom and hoped to start some strategies to kick start our sex life.

Too late now

[isittoolate]

Goal 2 revisited from an earlier post:

Goal 2: When she hugs me or touches me in a loving way – spontaneously and not out of pity.

My action is to distance myself - not pursue. Her main LL is physical touch and she also likes to give physical touch especially when she hurts. If she is hurting when I distance she will pursue. She has a history of this. In 2012 she even offered to pluck my eyebrows and ears and brush my hair...wtf! and gave me the occasional hug. Lets see what happens.

[NDY]

Is

I haven read the LL books but I have read DB and DR. In those books the advocate doing what works. Will these actions work? I mean, drawing back from someone that craves intimacy just seems backwards. I'm not sure and I'm no vet but it still doesn't sit with the goal setting. It's still focused on your W. Why not try something for you? Like learn a new skill or a new hobby or something?

[isittoolate]

NDY - valid point but I will start with distancing and see what happens. If it doesn't work I will try something else.

Tonight was my first chance.
I had taken the day off sick because of lack of sleep (even on sleeping pills) and hence had all day on these forums.
I collected the kids from school(normally child minder job) and cooked them dinner before their Kickboxing class @ 6pm. W arrived home at 5:30. She normally takes them to Kickboxing class then she and a couple of mum pals of hers will go for a 5k run.

I made myself scarce and went to the gym (5:30). I ate a quick meal at the gym and went home. Got home at 7:15 and knew I had about 1 hour to play with kids and help with their homework so I did that. I then put them to bed. these were effectively 180s. All the while W is making her dinner and trying to initiate conversation - about her day and the kids. There were a couple of dramas - turns out S11 had lost his cellphone (he is always losing stuff) and this annoyed W whilst I remained Zenlike. Later she asked me if she had overreacted. I just validated her feelings.

Then one of S11s baby molars came out - small drama and I put them to bed.
W had gone downstairs to watch TV. She thanked me for putting kids to bed and giving her a break - I said I enjoyed it. Then I made her a cup of tea (a tradition going back years) and she watched crap TV whilst I read from my Kindle. I sat further away from her than usual and if she looks at me she has to turn her head and I can notice it.
Again she tried to initiate lots of conversations about all sorts of day events , her work, her running, the tv show. I was polite and friendly.

Then she asked if I wanted to watch Homeland or another show. We have watched every episode for years. I excused myself and said I was off to bed. She then also took herself off to bed...she had no company

Distancing is fun - she was over talkative, nervous and slightly uptight. I was Zenlike. Its a fine balance between politeness and aloofness, friendliness and appearing stonyfaced.

I need to smile more, make eye contact more and remain Zenlike.

Well tomorrow is another day. I am in London working, meeting old friends after work in London and staying in a hotel for the night. I will be back on Thursday evening when W and I will attend a parents evening at S11's new school.

Im feeling more chilled than the last few nights and should sleep ok.

[isittoolate]

6 hours sleep - good result

This morning W left for work at 6:45 as usual.

She had cause to ring me twice from her car and I had to text her as S11 had woken with a painful muscle injury from his Kickboxing. I gave his some mild painkillers but thought to text W as she needs to know.

She then rings to speak with him.

Each conversation with W was short but I have to be careful not to cut her off - being rude - there is a danger that she sees it as passive aggressive behaviour which was my worst trait 4 years ago before the first BD.

I need to walk the line between friendliness and keeping things too cosy for her - no cake eating.

Goal 1 revisited: To Love our Sons to be best of my ability each and every day.

Action: Keep a Love Journal to document my Love actions each day. Play with them more, telephone them when I am away, SKYPE them, and tell them ILY at least once a day.

I have an IC meetingin 45 minutes. More later