Hi Sandi, thank you for responding to my posting but I am not sure of your question.
I have done EVERYTHING a LBH should not do over the last 1.5 years. I snooped, journaled events, confronted OM, posted a blog, gave ultimatum. Obviously none of that worked and learned I have to let go of this behavior (does neither of us any good).
180s.. things I have NOT done before. Small gifts (ie. flowers) kids give to her to show appreciation for things she does for them; be supportive and not question her actions (that’s everything but the A). Not being supportive is truly my downfall (and is my biggest 180 I can do for myself) but it does NOT offer detachment.
I set small goals for the week (do more of as DB suggest), exercise, and not talk about the R unless she brings it up.
Several times over the last year WW told me she only needs me for the financial support; and would continue saying I was never there to support her emotionally. I have no idea what WW wants in the R. We spend weekends together doing stuff; no different than years past. If I go dark now she may say that’s just me being selfish; making reference to who I was before therefore NOT me doing 180s.
Your W is wayward. She is involved with another man. She is getting her needs met by both men. You meet her financial and family-togetherness needs. OM fills her "other" needs. As long as she gets the best of both worlds, why would she stop?
Let me mention something about the LL book. I think it is a terrific book and very informative. Invarabily, when a newcomer LBH reads it, he's ready to charge forward showering his W with her LL. Problem is, if she is wayward and in an affair, I doubt it is effective. When a woman's heart has turned stone cold toward her H, she does not want to hear him speak her LL, or any kind of language. Hard stuff, isn't it? However, you did not learn the LL in vain, b/c some day you will be able to show her......and she will appreciate and adore you for it. But right now.......she doesn't. And btw, giving a WW gifts is pursuing.
I don't agree with giving her emotional support while she's getting her other needs met by OM, and filling his needs and not yours (except in a couple of extreme things, such as death, serious illness, etc.) Again, that would be the perfect setup for her, wouldn't it? What is she losing due to this affair? I don't see her losing you, family time, support, her LL, your attention, etc.
Why not get your attention off her and put it on yourself? What have you done for yourself, lately? Why not GAL without the kids? Why not make your time with the kids a father & son day (or father and daughter day), only? What are you doing to expand your personal growth? What are you doing to expand your circle of friends? What have you done lately that was just pure ole fun? What are you doing to become a more interesting man? What are you doing to be somewhat mysterious?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WW has told me several times that her feelings for me are frozen; has no feelings towards me. Please do not judge me or W but a little more insight into sit; and I hope it’s not TMI.
2 years ago, we learned she was pregnant. It was a very difficult decision but we decided to abort. She shares that this event BROKE her and will CRY EVERY TIME she brings it up. She says we are both to blame but will share:
1. She told me that we shouldn’t have sex that night in fear of getting preg (but I insisted).
2. She never thought at age 40 she would have an abortion (relates this to never thought she would have an affair).
3. Because she feels I did not help as much as she would have liked with our 2 boys when they were infants; she did not want to have to carry the responsibilities again (making reference that I was too self-centered and focused on my job/work).
4. That when she went for the procedure I was not there for her. The fact is I did what she asked me to do that day, she told me to just be there for the afternoon appointment when the procedure actually happens. That morning she went to work and from work she went to clinic for the morning check-up. What I learned later was the morning check-up was when they gave her some type of medication. So her reality is I was not there and she tells me that I should have just taken off from work that day without her having to tell me; this is what broke her and there is nothing I can do to change the past. She says because I am very black and white, this example helps me to see how I was not there for her emotionally (supportive); that I was selfish.
Weeks following this event is when the EA started.
These past few weeks I have been having a difficult time deflecting thoughts of W’s A and OM. I find myself spiraling out of control; unable to focus on simple task and realize this cannot be healthy. I need to regroup (find the strength) and GAL I did it before (early this year).
I will review and rework short term goals to help drive focus on GAL (apart from W since we do so much together).
Reading that list... She is blaming you for not mind reading and things out of your control or things you never had the chance to do... Typical WW stuff.... Stfu and listen but you do not have to own her chit... Nor is her A YOUR fault and make sure you out her in place when and if she blames you for it ... Her choice not yours .... Aka her circus her monkeys ... Do as sandi suggest look in the mirror and focus on that guy, he needs some help and has a bit to go to improve himself
Hi CaliGuy. Exactly, I am not a mind reader. She shared that that’s the type of support she needs/wants. Someone who will do something without being told/asked, someone who will do it just because they want too but she knows that’s not me. She was using this to illustrate to me an example of how I only think of myself (ie. went to work) vs her needs (ie. didn’t take time-off to go to first appt); I have to agree with her in that respect (I am POOR at this no matter who it is but I am working to improve myself).
I have stood my ground before in a sincere and honest tone sharing that I see my fault which led us to current sit but I did not open that door and push her into A; that was her choice.
I appreciate you sharing that information with us. To me, it sounds as if her guilt over the abortion is eating at her. I think she blames you b/c she can't take responsibility for a decision that was equally hers. (Was it equally her decision, or did you persuade her).
Sometimes we simply cannot stop people from feeling the way they do. Especially when it is anger, resentment, blaming, etc. This must have been tripled your own sorrow when she began blaming you, and maybe caused you to question yourself, IDK. Did she blame you for her getting an abortion, or just for not being with her the entire day? She could be saying one, but mean another (as we women are known to do).
Are you certain the A started within weeks of the abortion?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thanks for the perspective. What can I do (if anything..) to guide her to address this event? When I went to 2nd MC, MC told me that this needed to be addressed to move forward but had no suggestions. I feel W has not put this to rest though she acts as though she has by saying we have to move on, that we cannot change the past but then she will point out babies/infants (or reflect back to our kids’ time).
The choice was mutual. I made sure not to influence her decision. Each time we discussed I allowed her to speak first, validated, then shared my thoughts. W is a very emotional person to begin with BUT never thought this would have such an impact on us. W says (and I believe her when she shares) that the choice was mutual but she does blame me for not being there that day (she is emotional but never shows weakness but this will always get her eyes tearing). Absolutely, I question myself daily on the choice made.
I am certain on the timing of W’s EA. The proof is the cell phone records and W acknowledged OM was there as a friend during those times as someone outside of our social circle she could talk too. I did confront her at that time and we went to MC (1st MC) for a brief time (she showed remorse). Where I failed was I thought MR was strong and allowed that friendship to start back up a few months after (which led to PA).
She does share that abortion not only broke her but changed her; that the issue (wayward, affair) are her problem; that she cannot be fixed (that there is nothing to fix with respect to MR because it does not exist). She also has said this is her decision and she has to live with it whatever the outcome.
This is her domain, 2 masters in counseling/therapy and her line of work. I am LBH who is being DB. She points out that if it was not for the A things for me would not have changed (that I would still be the oblivious H). Reading the books, the A is me feeling the lost and I see her GAL and 180s but I also experience the WW activities (and it is killing me). Oh, did I share she is STUBBORN too (the most hardheaded woman I know).
