Still riding the waves

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- I too am pitching in to your son's college fund! LOL!

You know now what to buy your H for next occasion... iTunes gift card!

[mleigh4]

Lol! You guys are great. Thank you for helping me to feel not so crazy about this. I REALLY like the ITunes gift card idea!!

I suppose it's a trigger for him, just like we have them. One of my biggest is country music. Right after BD, H started going to a bunch of country concerts with his "new" friends., I was never invited. H never, ever, ever did this with me. I was convinced he was going with OP, what horrible nights those were for me. (Shudder)

I now have anxiety attacks when I hear country. No joke, I get this awful pit in my stomach, even commercials do it! I recently went through my Pandora list and deleted every single country station. I think H still uses the same Pandora account, so he won't be happy, but it felt good. I hit those delete stations with a vengeance!

So, I guess he is entitled to his triggers too. Apple is off the table, I will never bring it up!

[mleigh4]

Well, I had myself a nice little silent meltdown tonight.

Took S to drop off at H place tonight. When we drive up, I see one of those truck canopies over his truck, to protect it from the sun.

The more I see him settling into this place, the more my hope sinks. My heart started beating, I felt nauseous, started having a mini anxiety attack. So, time to drop off S and get out of there.

We get out of the truck and do the normal chit chat. Then H turns and asks S, do you want to see mommy do something? S says yes! I said exactly what is mommy going to do? H says, come see.

He walks us over to the barn, swings open the doors, and there it is......The gokart. He got one. H is proud as a peacock, says he just finished fixing it. S and I say nothing, we are just staring at it.

So I start feeling my anxiety rising as H is telling son that mommy is going to have so much fun, asking if he wants to ride it with mommy alone, or have mommy drive all 3 of us? Mommy mommy mommy. The walls start closing in on the sides of me as H pushes it out.

All of a sudden, I looked at H and said, I want to go. H looked at me, completely confused, and repeated, you want to go? I said, yes. I want to go now. H said, don't you want to ride it?? I said, maybe another time. I gave S a big hug and kiss, told S I love him and to have a good night, got in my truck and left. I could not get away from there fast enough.

All I can think about is deserting S. He may be more comfortable riding it with me, or seeing me do it, which is probably what H was pushing, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I was shaking. It wasn't about the go kart, it was just....everything.

I am trying to process what I am feeling. Right now, I am very angry that H left me and I want nothing to do with his place or the toys on it. I am angry I have been kept completely in the dark for over 8 months, and having to grin and bear it. I am tired of being expected to be his buddy. I am his wife that he bailed on.

I am a fool. He is content and not getting any closer to missing me or his life with me. He always has said his mom took his dad to the cleaners in their D. He is pacifing me for as long as he can to avoid facing the financial reality of what will happen to him, he makes twice as much as me. He will drag this out forever before he would initiate dealing with D.

This has been building up in me, and I am really proud of myself for staying calm, quiet and not exploding tonight.

I have not heard from him and don't expect to. I will not react, I will process all of this... but I do think it is only a matter of time before I release this. Otherwise, I am living a lie and not being true to myself or my feelings, no? I can do this without a big blow up, I can do this by only voicing my own feelings. H seems to think this is all just dandy with me, but it's not! None of this is dandy!

I do NC, I worry that I am giving the message that I am done. I try spending time together, but that gets my hopes up and gives him the message that I am great with this all. . This is just a no win for me. I don't know what to do.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- oh, I can so feel all your emotions on this. So many triggers in there.

Wow, what great self control you exhibited. Good for you for going back and trying to process it all. In no way are you a fool!

I want to offer support but leave the advice to the pros.

[job]

I'm sorry that you had to witness your h's new toy and the truck canopy. It does appear that he's settling in, but you have to remember that he's in replay and he's going to be making this place his own for a while. If you reconcile, all of those things can be moved back home and the canopy either stays there or is sold. Nothing is permanent right now w/him or his living arrangement.

Sure, it makes you angry because it looks like he's planning to live there for a long time...but I don't think that's going to be the case. Right now, he is living in a fantasy world. He's like a kid decorating a tree house and wants to put his stamp on it...he's seeking approval from the two important people in his life and it appears that's you and your son.

Replay can take anywhere from 2-3 years or longer if they've not dealt w/their issues. Live your life to the fullest and leave the door ajar. Nothing says you have to wait on him to catch up. Also, looking/analyzing your h for any signs that the old h is coming back into the world, is like watching paint harden.

As for being friends w/him, you can be civil and treat him like the man next door. He can't miss you or the relationship if you are readily available. He has to learn to do things on his own w/his son and that includes missing family holiday dinners, etc. Right now, he's got the best of both worlds...I think it's time that you limit the amount of time that you are spending w/him. I wouldn't be too quick to respond to his messages. He can't miss something that is still there and within his grasp. Start distancing yourself just a wee bit and watch the changes take place.

I know you don't want to send a message that you are done...but why should he be concerned about you and the relationship, if nothing has changed except the living arrangements? It's time to do some 180's and live your life and make plans for YOU. If your h wants to be a part of YOUR life, then he'll start to notice the changes and begin to try to catch up.

[mleigh4]

I think you hit something there Job. I am so concerned about being a part of HIS life, and allowing him to be a part of MY life as he pleases. It feels that I am at a point where I can be stronger about this.

Time to let him know that I do enjoy spending time with him, but overall this arrangement is not working well for me. Time to step back further and do as much NC as I can with us sharing a S.

It seems my little tests lately have not been just for H, but also for me.

I also have come to the realization that everything to do with his place symbolizes what he left me for, I don't want anything to do with it. Not with the limbo and silence I have been put into. If we were working openly working on R, it would be different....

As expected, no word from H, no are you ok? I get upset, he goes withdrawn and silent, a pattern throughout our entire M. It makes me feel very alone, always has.

[mleigh4]

Hawho your support always mea s a lot to me. Thank you.

[mleigh4]

Job, reading your post over again. As you know, my frustration comes a lot from H not talking to me about the reality of our sitch. However, his actions are loud and I am finally starting to "see" them which is sending me spinning a bit. As if he has said, "this is my home now, still not sure how I feel about you. "

So are you saying to take his actions as words said and live my life that way? For whatever reason, I keep waiting to hear the words before doing so. Being H is far from a talker, I suppose I should read his actions instead?

Sorry if I sound a little slow, I get so foggy with this sometimes, emotions and hopes get in the way. I will keep rereading your post, I sense the knowledge there, just need to grasp it.

[CaliGuy]

M



I read this all last night on my phone … I simply said a prayer and was thinking about your sitch a bit.



Your sitch has always made me scratch my head as there truly seems to be not one sniff of an OW whereas look around this forum and its pretty much the norm. This got me thinking, in my sitch deep down I felt “If only OM would get out of the way I could fix this” … much of my focus was on OM …. You do not have that target or anyone to cast some frustration towards except your H for just being scrambled in the head. At first I used to think you were one of the lucky ones but as I went through my own stuff and realized OM had nothing to do with this MLC thing I wasted energy focused on him your sitch I can see how much more frustrated I might get wanting to shake them out of it screaming “wake up wake up already”



I think job hit it and I have felt the same … your H is not going to hit bottom as he is cake eating … he gets to camp out in his Mancave and peek out and spend time with you all as he decides…. I heard a sermon talking about a visual and it applies here… it’s a Circus act, the performer has one foot on one horse and the other on the second horse. As long as those two horses stay relatively close together he can pull it off (Cake Eat) but if those horses start to separate a bit he will have to figure out quickly which one he will jump on and ride out of the tent. For those of us in this position we might foolishly believe we can get the horses to split and force their hand to ride the ‘good’ horse but we must realize they are in no shape to make this choice … not until they start to see what they chance to lose. I agree with job, you will have to distance yourself a bit here … he will have to FEEL this … I know for my W this was the case … truth be told its still not sunshine and rainbows .. she is still cooking, just know this will take some time and its really in your hands how long you want to try to ride this out, maybe its actually us on the 2 horses eh?

[job]

If you are waiting for your h to tell you what he thinks about the situation right now, I hate to say it...but your expectations are way too high for him at this time. Take a look around him, i.e., he's got a new fort to live in, he's put up a car canopy and is now working on toys for now only him to enjoy, but his son as well. I've always stated that actions speak louder than words and right now, his actions are indicating that he is enjoying his life as it is right now and also enjoying the freedom to come and go not only at his "fort" but also when it comes to you and your home. Why would he change any of it when he can have the best of both worlds or as I say once in a while, a toe in both ponds.

The only one that I see getting frustrated w/this arrangement is you. It's time to do some 180's and try not to be so readily available to him all of the time. He can't miss you if you are still right there, front and center.

Trust me, you won't send him a signal that it's over if you slowly disengage from the "family" activities w/him. In fact, it just might make him more curious and begin doing something different. Don't you remember how he reacted when he thought you had a party and someone staying w/you? He got miffed about it. He wants you to stay right where he left you and no, he doesn't want you to date or get involved w/anyone else...that was very evident the last time he got miffed w/"just a friend" staying over.

Mleigh...time to do some 180s. Don't worry about his feelings...he'll get over it. After all, he's certainly not worried about yours at the moment.