I keep seeing everything that W does that is nice, at a sign of reconciliation. How do you balance ignoring her with being happy, and not being a total ass?
This is from your previous thread ^^. Sorry, just catching up.
Just wanted to suggest that you remember your dating days (not with W, necessarily, but just girls in general). Did you ever notice who the girls pursued (in their own girlish ways, of course)? They would flirt or find excuses to talk to the boy, or to just walk by him so he would notice her. Know who that boy was? The one who held back. The guy who didn't go sniffing around her, trying to persuade her to go out with him, acting all goofy to get her to notice him, or who kept his eyes watching her all the time. The funny thing is......the cool guy knew what the girl was doing. He just sit back, acting cool, and let her chase him. It's not just a game of growing up and dating, b/c these human characteristics don't change just b/c we get older. Our human nature tells us we want what we can't have too easily. If we have to work really hard to get it, chances are we will appreciate it more.
So, a couple of thoughts. First, if there is another guy anywhere in the picture, then she probably is missing the friendship part of the marriage.....as more of a comfort thing. Just like you miss home/marriage/family togetherness/spousal friendship, etc. It's what you've known for a long time, and it's comfortable and easier than having to go through this pain and starting single life again. Plus, if there is a third person in the picture, there's a chance he has not conformed to what your W thought he should. Maybe she feels a bit rejected, IDK. Maybe she just doesn't know how to proceed without you. Ugh, who wants to be someone's "habit"?
I have read stories about some W's who want a D, but don't want to let go of the man's emotional support and friendship. They wanted to remain BFF's. A lot of W's become suddenly friendly, nicey-nice, and even almost sweet.....when the LBH agrees to the S/D. She is thrilled to get what she wants. So, there's no need for her to act cold, mean, or the usual bad behavior a woman will do to discourage her H in working on the M. Yes, it seems to confuse the H.....but it shouldn't. That's just how women are!
On the other hand, if she's not in contact with another man, and she is missing more than your friendship....then it's good that she's pursuing you. Your job is to be that cool guy. Do not make it easy for her to get you. I even hesitate to tell you this much, b/c men want to take it and run with it. Don't!
Remember that friendliness and niceness is not equal to loving and/or romantic feelings. Bear that in mind, when you start to feel confused over her being so nice. Most WW's (if she is wayward) like the best of both worlds, and many will do their best to keep it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
