Where to begin? Part 2

[Dawgs]

Here is something I have been wondering - my W said a few weeks ago (when she dropped the "I want to go ahead and file" bomb and not continue to work" in counseling) that "I may be making the biggest mistake of my life." It seems like that is a common statement around here. Why is that?

[Zephyr]

Confusion, Comforting you, themselves, because they are wak-a-doodle...who knows. It is just more evidence they can't be trusted.

[Cadet]

Thread hijack (again)...

NDY (or anyone who can give advice on this) - you wrote:

This shouldn't matter. If your W is pushing for 80% but you want 50% of the kids time then this will also be decided in court for what's best for the children. And no, the courts's don't automatically award custody to the woman. Those days are over. The reason it appears that way is that many men don't contest the custody orders.

Here is my situation. Let's say my W goes ahead and files for D. I (I live in the US) am the primary caregiver by far due to my wife's job, meaning that I get them up, get them ready, and take them to school every day (and have since they were born); pick them up from school; take them to after school functions; feed them; etc. She usually gets home and only has an hour or so with them at night before bedtime. Also, she will be moving to her new base in another state in a couple of months - meaning that she will be coming home only on the weekends to see them - so, in reality I will be the lone parent for the next 2 years or so until she retires (she refuses the idea of all of us moving).

So, she has also stated that I can keep the house (due to my giving up my career when we got married and moving around the country, I don't make all that much now) and she would continue to pay for it until retirement and then we would work out a deal to where she would pay half (She wants the kids to grow up in the house). She also told me that I could have primary custody but if I got the crazy about the kids she would "get nasty as I make it and take them." Also, I wonder if her mental state would play into the decision. There is no way she could get more than 50%, is there?

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Might be best to get this all in writing as soon as possible.

Here is the thing about it all, if you can both agree and get it in writing then it does not matter what the laws are.

And IMHO the sooner it gets done the better the deal can be for you.
The longer it drags on the more entitled she will feel and the worse deal you will get.
It kind of goes against DB'ing but it I beleieve that protecting yourself is the most important thing here.

[Dawgs]

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Might be best to get this all in writing as soon as possible.

Here is the thing about it all, if you can both agree and get it in writing then it does not matter what the laws are.

And IMHO the sooner it gets done the better the deal can be for you.
The longer it drags on the more entitled she will feel and the worse deal you will get.
It kind of goes against DB'ing but it I beleieve that protecting yourself is the most important thing here.

Thank you, Cadet. I guess I shouldn't have hijacked the thread!

I haven't spoken with a L yet. I made an appt but cancelled when she backed out of filing and stated that she would rather do the separation route to see where that leads.

I see your point about getting it all in writing, but I am so afraid that if I bring the papers first that would just push her over the edge and past the point of no return. Given her mental state, that may be the final push.

I also believe in protecting myself and have recorded her saying all of those things, although it may not hold up. My thought was that I would gauge how things are and if they seem worse, then do go ahead and get the L and papers and all.

I just don't know if I have it in me to take that final leap.

[Uphill]

^^^^^^ I did something of this sort Friday and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. Got the child custody done through a lawyer and filed with the courts. Now there is no question about who's day, what to do on holidays or if the parent with the day can't fufill thier obligations. It's all in black and white. If she is willing at this point to also give the rest of that, get it signed! Contact a lawyer and get that ball rolling!

[Cadet]

I see your point about getting it all in writing, but I am so afraid that if I bring the papers first that would just push her over the edge and past the point of no return. Given her mental state, that may be the final push.

Or given that it is counter intuitive it could maybe save your marriage.

There really is no way to know, I would work on getting over the fears of divorce.

And protecting yourself and your children is actually VERY attractive.

[Uphill]

Sorry, we cross posted. I approached it as a way to protect each other. It gets it all on paper, that way nobody from the outside can influence anything. You can simply say it is now court order.

My XF had people telling her this and that. Screw him, do this, take that. I also had the same on my end.

I said it in a way that, I have been having bad influence on my side. I'm sure you have had the same. If we get this all in writing we won't have to explain anything. Just say it is "the law". She agreed pretty easily.

I had already started the process before filling her in but that's because one way or another I felt it had to be done. It just made it easier when she cooperated.

[Dawgs]

I am not sure I am at the state of filing now. We have another couples session next week and maybe then her reactions/answers will give me a better picture, if that is even possible.

So, I just got back from my own counseling session (who sees us separately and as a couple), which went very well but also left a lot of questions, too. I really like this counselor because she tells me like it is but also gives great advice.

Some of today's stuff:
*I really think we got to the root of why I am been so pushy/clingy... It all stems from childhood. Imagine that. Sigh.
*We also discussed the book "Codependent No More" which I borrowed from her. Good stuff.
*She told me that since I want this marriage to work, to stay the present course. We discussed this course at length and it almost mirrored the DB techniques from here. Seems that the stuff I have been doing is being noticed.
There were also a lot of unanswered questions that arose in our session:
*Last week in our couples session, the counselor (she also sees us independently and is mine, too) suggested a time frame in during our separation to sort of see where we are - like 6 months or so. My W, when asked if she agreed, really looked like a deer in headlights. She literally was dumbfounded and couldn't answer (reminded me of when I confronted her about the EA by waking her up so she couldn't form an answer). The counselor was perplexed. She thought maybe the W could possibly just be set on D and trying to let me down gradually.
*The counselor also said (during our couples session) that during our separation - since we are still married and "working" on us - that we shouldn't see other people. I agreed but it almost seemed as if the W slightly balked a little. We discussed that...
*She asked if the W was easily persuaded - she is EASILY (but not by me now)
*We discussed a little about me finding the receipt which showed her "toys" being shipped to a friends house. The counselor stated that since the receipt wasn't really hidden in the drawer, it may have been done purposely for one of two reasons: 1) Trying to trap me into saying something and then accusing me of snooping so that she could have an excuse of being done with it and filing; or 2) Putting it where she did was sort of an unconscious way to letting me down. Her question was "If it isn't one of two reasons, then why didn't she just throw it away at the friend's house?" Interesting indeed.
*We also discussed that friend to which the "toys" were delivered. A lot of questions there. She took particular interest that the week of our session (3 weeks ago) where the W said she was filing, that the W picked the same friend up and brought her to our house to watch the kids and then drove her back to her house, some 20 miles away. The counselor suggested that sounded very odd and that there may even be something going on. Especially, since a few months ago my MIL called the W and asked if she was a lesbian...OUT OF THE BLUE. However, the counselor has a plan to deal with that which will leave me out of the discovery method if in fact there is something shady going on.

Thats as much as I can remember off the top of my head for now.

[Dawgs]

A little journaling time.

Continuing to work on myself. Went for a 50 minute run last night. Man it felt good and gave me a chance to really think. Also, finally spent some time upstairs in my hobby room working on something (a model) I let slide for a long time. Left the W downstairs to watch tv.

Still reading "Codependent No More." Good stuff.

Things I need to work on: I know I have a problem reading into things and not taking them at face value. Jumping to conclusions. Getting angry/irritated at stupid stuff. There are still so many things that I

The W and I had a pretty good talk last night. Its funny with our situation being so unique, that we never argue...even now - well, when I exposed her EA 6 months ago, things got really heated.

At any rate, we discussed our situation a bit which is something we really haven't done outside of counseling. It all started when she mentioned something about our annual family vacation to our favorite place - mine, hers, I guess used to be ours, and the kids... She mentioned that she wanted us all to go, as long as we still understood our separation. I told her I would think about it and get back to her in a bit.

That talk led her to say that we are separated and in a platonic relationship. She went on to say that the separation/space is necessary for us to work on each other, and to also work on us and see where things go. It was something I had been saying all along but this time she said it herself. Not sure what to make of that (yes, I know not to believe...). Something else she did say about the vacation - I mentioned how fun the vacation is and she agreed and went on to say that if something happens then just let it happen and it can't be forced.

That was probably the best communication that we have had in a long, long time. I told her so and thanked her for it. She seemed to really agree. Maybe our communication is starting to turn the corner. If ya'll recall, communication was a weakness of ours.

So that's pretty much where we stand now. Going to be honest, guys. I miss her terribly and find myself still very much in love with her (yeah, I know...) even after all that has happened. But I am slowly coming to the realization that I am fine - thats not to say that I would revert to an emotional mess if she does go ahead and file for D, but now it just seems like I am fine. How can one be fine yet so desperately want the marriage to work?

I find myself wanting to tell her that our old M is dead and that a new and better one is there for the taking. Would that be a bad idea?

[Thornton]

Bad idea, E. Don't do it.

No relationship talks at this point. When she brings them up, just validate.