Photoka's new thread (this one spelled correctly.)

[asitis]

I'd say start with acts of compassion towards her that don't look like you are trying to gain anything from her (e.g., coming to see you differently) or your H. If it is her b-day, facilitate contact w/ her grandkids. Light that candle like you did. Don't pray for her to change her way, but to find peace and healing for her sake rather than yours. Meet her ire with grace. Meet her criticisms with understanding that these come from some deep well of pain in her and really aren't about you, and refuse to lash out in response.

It needs to be subtle at first, like the dripping of water on a rock, slowly eroding the ire, anger, and abuse. You can't get her to feel better about you by doing anything big. It has to be those little, barely noticed changes in your dynamic from your end. And even then, she may not be able to get past her own issues to ever see what you are offering.

Just my two cents.