TxHubby...I am literally overcome with the kindness and thoughtfulness you put into your post. I've had a rough morning with everyone I've seen telling me to "dump the loser" or "do you like yourself so little you're willing to put up with that?"
For one, while I agree he's acting like a loser at the moment, that's not who I believe he is, at his core. Yes. I love the man. I see him as having extremely poor coping skills. How can I judge him, when I suffered, for years, from the same? Technically, I abandoned him first. I didn't leave, but closeted in my room? I wasn't exactly "there", either. I own that. It was my error. While completely understandable, it was still not the best thing I could have done. I'm forgiving myself, because I didn't know other options then, but I do now. That is the point my personal growth comes from.
H? He could have done more to help, instead of lashing out, screaming at me, and assassinating my character to everyone who would listen to him. He didn't know better, either. He's learning, because I am telling him.
I am hurt, deeply. I fantasize about revenge. But at the end of the day, I'm going to forgive him and let it go. I will learn the coping skills I need in order to get through this. Why? Again, I love the man. I married for life. We are a family. Our kids need us to be together.
He seriously doesn't seem to feel the same right now. But I suspect you might be correct. He didn't have to tell me the truth about OW. He chose that, without any input from me. He knew I was wrong about who it was, and it would have helped his case in court. He risked so much by being honest. It also means he must trust me on some level. I don't think he would openly admit to that, but I know I have surprised the poop out of him with my responses to all he has done. I think he never expected me to stay and fight. I blindsided him when I informed him I could forgive the adultery when I didn't even know the whole story. I remember the look on his face.
I remember the same look when he forced himself to tell me the truth. There was fear there. I stayed pretty calm, at first. It wasn't until he started the blackmail BS that I freaked out. But as I've said, upon reflection, I think it's what he's telling himself for some reason. I have no insight on that at the moment.
I have committed to Divorce Busting this mess to the best of my ability. The best thing to come out of it may be a stronger marriage than ever. The worst thing is a divorce. I know I will be okay if it comes to that. It's not my hope, but I'll be all right. I'm still writing out my extremely specific and actionable goals today. I'm following Michelle's book to the letter. I think it's the best chance we have. I deliberately chose a pro-marriage counselor. Retrouaville is all about saving marriages. I've done my best to set things up to work.
I promised H we would never discuss OW again, outside of MC. I intend to honor that promise. I'll back off on sending him to the doctor to get checked out for now, since it seems to be a sore spot. Maybe he'll surprise me and take care of it himself.
Your observation that every time I veered off the DB track, we had problems was 100% correct. This is so hard sometimes. I never thought I had it in me to do it. Surprise, Judy! Look at you.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and observations. It really helped me so much today.
