Wanted to continue at least an update once a week, mostly for my own purposes … but after a long week of reading the forum I realized once people do get to this area there is not much around to pull from … I realize partly its due to the various purges that happen … but partly because in a way I see how one must detach and not allow themselves to relive the pain which happens post after post here, I read a few and sometimes there is a flashback of “Oh yeah I recall how hard and painful that was” and I think at times it can keep a person stuck … so in a way I have DB’d the DB forum if that makes any sense.
The past week I came across a thread … LIBT I think it was .. anyways it was a successful DB, they got back together then about 6-7 months later the LBH became the WAH .. filed for D … all that … then much later came back and they decided to work on the M. Seems she was not ‘all in’ and he finally had enough, met someone new and decided to drop the rope, seems like as we have read here that was what it took for his WAW to wake up and really focus on the M. It made me realize that this ‘piecing’ business was not how I painted it in my head … not how I imagined it would be and thankfully I have been working on how to appreciate this abstract painting rather than to criticize it. Over the last few weeks I have felt calm, more patient … I have also gone back to the DB fundamentals in a way … ZERO expectations, No Pursuing, I have even cranked up my GALs as of late … Still playing ball on Thursdays, but I also have posted some goals on my board in my office (All code BTW) … I had gained 20 of the 25 DB lbs back so I am cutting carbs and watching what I stick in my pie hole and started running after work. I also am watching my $$ like a hawk wanting to get things paid off as soon as I can. I have made myself a challenge .. a 60 gag order.. no OM, M, R, sex talks from me … not that I was Chatty-Kathy about these things I am just focused on NOT going there and giving W some room to breathe and continue through the shake-n-bake.
As far as W goes, she is all over the place it seems. A complete internal struggle between wanting to be independent and wanting her family close and there for her. Absolutely reminds me of a teenage girl in a dress shop with all those prom dresses to try on … then its about which shoes .. handbags .. should my hair be up .. or down. I just stay my course, remain the rock and do my thing. She will open up and talk to me at times .. then seems to really need her space and I will grab S and do something fun. Not the M I want … but I also cannot have that till W becomes whoever it is she will become. I notice she seems eager to volunteer for ANYTHING new … though does not seem to follow through on anything. She sat me down and we had a discussion about S, more about how he gives her some attitude on things she asks him to do, how its concerning her … I STFU and listened for the most part but when I did speak she was ultra-defensive so I cut it short and let her vent some more, ended it with a generic “We will have to work at this and help S along”. Truth is S does not trust W nor does he feel safe like he does with me, W seems to see it and is having issues with this, again .. things will take time to heal.
Over the weekend we had the Fall Festival, brought back memories for me as last year she introduced me as her husband and I found that odd as at that time she hated me and was with OM and had the happily ever after in her eyes. This year, again she introduced me as her husband and told her PTG lady friends that I pulled “Bouncy Slide House” duty for 2 hours … was funny as one woman said “You sir are one fine good man” I shared how W actually signed me up and I did in fact NOT volunteer for “Hell House 2015” she then looked at W and then at me and said .. “Well she is …” I cut her off .. and I filled in “A fine woman and I am blessed” and off I walked. I had a blast with the kids for those 2 hours then enjoyed the rest of the festival with S, we had chili dogs and root beer floats … W always sensitive to the sun was toast, we called it early and got her home where she was out for the rest of the weekend as I took care of her, the groceries and cleaned the entire house thoroughly.
This is one thing I wanted to touch on … MY changes. I was not always a tidy person, this was a good source of friction in our M. I was just not brought up that way whereas my W during our marriage homework shared her weekend memories was her father vacuuming early in the morning. I made it a habit to do this first thing Saturday morning for the past 6 weeks or so, amazing … seems to really set the tone for the weekend and W is much more at ease. I have paired this up with my changes .. making the bed, doing the dishes, cleaning up in the morning .. deep cleaning on the weekend. For a couple weeks I caught myself reverting back to my old ways .. keeping score, If I do THIS I should get THAT .. but I checked myself and that hurt little boy, I do these things with no expectations now, and honestly I just feel better about myself after its all done with. I have football on TV, do my thing around the house … W used to HATE the fact I would watch the games but now has given me a hard time as my teams have not been playing very well (I blame my new traditions on this … us sports fans are very superstitious) .
So that’s about where things are at … the push pull game is still there and I struggle with how to break it but I think my current approach will help, I am no longer a kayak in the rapids but more like a canoe on a smooth lake, steady and not thinking about it all as much .. takin things as they come .. continue to paddle and reminding myself to look around and enjoy the view now and then.
