Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Looks like I am going to have to abuse the boards today and post again. I am just so psyched. I just went for a walk and thought about everything going on, and I noticed a pattern I have fallen into. Without trying, I have kinda cycled through almost all major areas of my life in the last 2 months and have made big changes. I feel like I am losing myself, like nothing is stable anymore. It is OK, I am not sad about any of it, just kinda sentimental about letting go of my old life,even though it was less than perfect. It was still good for me.

I wanted to try and untangle my plans and goals here so I can stay tightly on track and I don't drop any balls while juggling. I have many irons in many fires, so I believe an untangling session is completely in order.

Kids: I dont have solid goals in this area. I am not only a single parent, I am an only parent, he is not helping at all. So my goal here is to make it to the end of the day every day, just give them what they need and make sure I give each kid my attention.

Financial: Couple of goals here.
The biggest one would be to get 10 customers in the next 3 months.
Next is to complete my research and win a fellowship from the National Science Foundation by October 27th. If I win the fellowship, I will be awarded $34,000 paid to me in monthly payments. I have an above average chance of winning this. They are granting thousands and thousands of fellowships, but they really want to grant them to women and minorities.
If neither of those work out, I will need to get a second job. It has been 2 months and I have not received any support from H and my bills are piling up...
I cannot change my life financially with my current job. I work for the state and I am in a union, so my pay for the next 5 years is locked. I am not complaining, nor am I looking for different employment.
I am a technical reviewer for Manning publishing. I have a couple chapters that were due this week. It is not a lot of money, and I will not get paid until the books are complete, but I really need to stop messing around and get those chapters done!

I do not just have financial goals that deal with earning more money. I can make my paycheck stretch much further if i STOP SPENDING MONEY! We created some excellent goals on how me and the kids can save money and I have not been following through. I continually spend money on take out or entertainment for the kids. Starting now, I will not spend a penny unless it is completely needed. Period!

House: My house is currently a source of embarrassment. It has zero decorations and is full of clutter. I cannot really afford to decorate it like I want right now. But every day I cant go to bed unless i get rid of one bag of clutter! That will work for house goals for now.

School: I have three classes left for my master's and then my capstone. By the end of October, I want 2 of the three classes done.

Work: I wont get too technical... I need a deeper understanding of my scripts to manage MySQL, I need to complete the Oracle12c upgrades and move my MS SQL Servers onto MS Server 2012 so I can upgrade them to 2012. Those goals will take a year or more to complete, but I still wanted to jot them down so i keep working on them. (I would probably get fired if I stopped, so no need to beat that dead horse here).

Social: I joined a few meetups, but honestly, I can't picture myself actually going. But I will try...next month...
My best friend since grade school, whom I have not really seen for years, invited me to a huge party this month. I already said I will go so I cant back out. I will reconnect with her and go out with her more to fill my social calendar.

Health: Goals here going good! I have not smoked in a while and I am exercising more.

Vanity: I am losing the extra pounds steadily and slowly and I am very happy that way. I got a new hair do and I look so much younger. I bought a new sweater, and I plan on buying much more, once I get some kind of money coming in. Just about every single piece of clothing I own is something my mother has picked up at a yard sale for me. She goes yard sale shopping all of the time and just drops off bags of stuff. It does not matter if I like it or not, I wear the clothes. I am going to buy clothes that match my style. I dont even know if I have a style... but I am sure I can find one somewhere

Relationship: I haven't a clue what to write here... I have no idea if I want my M or not. I am SOOOO lonely. I am starving for physical attention. I still think of H much much more than what is healthy. I am dying to sit and discuss, in detail some of the things going on in my life with a partner who can support me, even if they do not understand what I am up to.

That was weird. My H has not contacted me in ages. So while I am pondering here to try and save my M or just move on, my phone rings and it is him... I did not answer it. I would prefer he send me a text message so I have time to think about how to answer. And there is the text, lol. He just noticed I took my phone off the cell phone plan.

I removed my line and left him and the 2 girls. I guess he just found out he will have to pay for all three lines. so he texted me asking if I will take one of the girls and he will take the other. He says we can split the cost and that will be fair.

What a great opportunity to practice my anger control an patience!

My anger is rising because he has not helped one bit with anything! He is splitting the cost of nothing right now. Forget the anger. Getting angry will not help. I am simply going to text him that I am not taking the cell lines because I cannot afford it. He is free to cancel the girl's lines if he wants. I might say, "If you are really interested in splitting the costs of non-essentials, the girls both are going to homecoming and I have spent about $500 on dresses, jewelry, shoes and makeup. D16 is taking an advanced course and the textbook was $150, and the special calculator was $120. S11 is playing both basketball and soccer. Fees and equipment and uniforms for both sports have already cost me $300.00. Both girls want to go on a field trip in school that is $100 each."

But it would not help. He is not going to ever help me.

I am not going to text him until after 10 tonight. or maybe even tomorrow.