Ancaire, I finally read through your entire collection of threads. Your experience is heartbreaking but I've been through hell and back myself and I can tell you some positive things I'm sure of. 1. I know you love him. I know you say you're detaching but I can tell you love him dearly but are extremely hurt (you should be, he's behaved like a jackass).
I can also tell by what has transpired that he loves you too. He knows he has screwed up really bad. He's not a complete dumb ass, he's just acting like one right now. Affair fog is a powerful thing. I lived through it with my WW. What he's thinking is that he's done so much damage, and is so ashamed of himself, that he doesn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He thinks he has permanently ruined things with you by his actions and he lashes out because of the shame and frustration with the person he has become. Someone that he has always despised. He became his own father. He knows it. You know it. Everybody knows it.
That puts him in an even weaker place so that OW looks even better. He's judging himself very harshly but she's saying "don't do that, baby, you're great. You've done nothing wrong." Blah blah blah...When he's feeling this low about himself that helps him feel better.
I don't know if your marriage will be saved but with all the research I've done, and what I've lived through, I can guarantee you that it CAN be saved.
He just needs to understand that it's not too late to redeem himself. Hope is not lost. I know he's scared that if you work it out that you'll never respect him again as a man of integrity. To be honest, for a long time, you probably won't. I thought my wife was the finest human being that ever lived. Loving, hard-working, kind, honest, etc. I was so happy with who we were. Then she turned 45, freaked out, and blew it all up. Thank GOD that she finally snapped out of it. Yes it took her getting caught (1 year PA with neighbor/family friend) but she realized what she was going to lose and put in genuine effort to save our marriage. I was the one demanding the D and was absolutely sure it couldn't be saved. Do I trust her 100% today? No. Do I think she's a person of integrity? No. Do I love her? Yes. You will be able to love him again and be a good wife even if you don't trust him 100%.
Another thing you learn here, and that my wife learned, is that only 1 of the two partners can save the marriage. That's a huge nugget of wisdom that before I lived it would have called BS on. I thought both people had to be committed. I was NOT committed to R. I wanted her out of my life. She was just a cheating whore to me and I wanted no part of her. She stuck it out, did the work, and saved our marriage with very little support from me.
Yours and my situation are a little different but if you are dedicated to saving your marriage then you can do it, even if he's still acting like a jackass. He's a child right now. People who cheat have the emotional maturity of children. That's why you'll have to be the adult. Is it fair? No, it's not. He wronged you but you have to forgive. Crappy deal. Still, if you want to save the marriage that's a requirement. He has to see a path to redemption. If you don't show him one then it probably won't work.
Please adhere to the DB process. I've noticed that every time you veer off it that bad things happen. Blow-ups, hurtful words, etc. That pattern should tell you something.
I know you can do this. Marriage is a sacred thing and it breaks my heart when they break up. At the core of it all you love him and I can tell he loves you. After that everything else is just the noise of life. Noise that can be deafening and destroy lives if left unaddressed but that noise can be silenced. It's not hopeless.
I'll be following with you, praying for you to be strong and also praying for him to stop being stupid. Your kids are smart when assessing OW. What kind of skank carries on with married men? Oh wait, my wife was that skank. LOL! I can laugh about it now but there was a year when I wished for my heart to stop so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. You can persevere through this. Good luck.
