have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[roist]

I was there too. I felt unloved at home, thought kids didn't give a damn about me and I was depressed. Suicide was my back up plan. If it came to it I had that option to end how I felt. Some days u was passive about it as in if I had an accident that wouldn't be so bad. On worse days I thought of writing to my family my goodbyes and thought about the practical things such as making sure our insurance paid off mortgage so W and kids not financially ruined by it.

I really do understand your feelings. Last year whilst still depressed I lost my dad to cancer. In the lead up to that I went home (abroad a few times mostly alone. One time home my dad took poorly, so I decided to change my return flights and stay a few days longer. My W got upset and said I had a family there that needed me too. At the time I thought she was very unsupportive, to say the least.

I got home and my youngest glued himself to me when I arrived. I was wrong (& my W was right). The boys did care about me and do need me. Being depressed affects perception.

Sorry to have been longwinded but I wanted you to believe that I truly understand and that regardless of how bad things seem, you are surely seeing it worse than it actually is. Plus when things are bad, they can only get better.

I still have down days, but suicide is now not an option. It never should be. I hope that you realise that. Best if luck.

[dwh15]

We've all had the lonely, depressing days you are describing. I remember at one point just laying in bed for most of the day with my door locked. Kids were here, but honestly I didn't care about anything. Didn't feel sad, angry, happy, just didn't feel. I barely left the room, and just laid there staring at the ceiling for hours. It was almost scary how totally detached I felt from everything.

What finally snapped me out of it was my 8-year-old knocking on the door and saying he was hungry. I got up, made him a meal, and as I started physically moving I just felt better. Also realized my kids really do need me and rely on me. It's hard enough for kids to go through the breakup of their family. I can't imagine how much worse it would be to lose a parent to suicide. Taking your life is a selfish act. Rather than deal with your own pain, you transfer it to the ones you most care about.

I know how hard it is - we all do. You just have to keep moving ahead, and know that it does gradually get easier. Also, quit blaming yourself for the breakdown of your M. Yes, you played a role, but your W also owns 50% of the blame. It's a partnership and both partners are equally responsible. It's good that you can recognize your own failings, so now the challenge is to work on you and fix those things you don't like. It's going to make you a better father, better friend, and hopefully some day a better husband, either to your current W or to some other lucky lady.

[tkdmme]

Thank you all for the replies. I am feeling a little better today. From time to time the reality of the sitch comes over me like a wave and it is overwhelming. I start thinking of everything at once and my mind cant process it fast enough.

I would never hurt myself but at times, when the wave comes over me, its almost soothing to think of suicide. My family would be devastated and yes this is the most selfish act imaginable.

Cali, I also come from a culture where men never talk about emotion or feelings. When I think of my grandfather, I cant ever remember him showing any emotion. I wish I could be more like that. My dad never showed any emotion until recently when he was diagnosed with cancer. Its weird to see him this way.

Anyway, Thank you all for listening and not judging my irrational thoughts.

[dwh15]

Glad to hear you're doing better today. Brother, this stuff is hard. We all have those kinds of days. Our timelines are about the same in terms of BD - my WW laid the news on me back on 3/7/15 so it's been 7 months and I still feel the pain almost every day. Nowhere near as bad as before, and in my case, I've pretty much given up hope of R, so it has been a little easier to start moving on.

Keep doing what you're doing and keep posting here. Stay strong - there is daylight at the end of this tunnel.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I also come from a culture where men never talk about emotion or feelings. When I think of my grandfather, I cant ever remember him showing any emotion. I wish I could be more like that. My dad never showed any emotion until recently when he was diagnosed with cancer. Its weird to see him this way.

Anyway, Thank you all for listening and not judging my irrational thoughts.

Yeah I totally understand and discovered how much this can hold us back. It's that while volcano concept, when we do not share what we need... We expect our spouse to read our signals and just know and fulfill them, when they fail (as they have been set up to) we get pissy and frustrated at them but turns out, it's our own fault and inability to express ourselves

All this ^^^^ adds stress , hence why IC was for me the way to go until I could learn how to express myself and stop taking all that baggage with me everywhere, I used the IC as a dumping spot, I didn't know her nor did she know me... I needed a safe place to purge all my thoughts, feelings ... But mostly fears... Those were the things no man in my family would ever allow someone to see ... I then started learning how and who I could share those things with and realized a true man was not afraid to express himself, in fact it made him a better stronger man

[WhyUs]

tkdmme,

I too have felt this way. I felt this way just 3 days ago. Every time I start feeling like suicide is the answer I am reminded of a couple of things. My children will be forever damaged. The last thing I want to do is hurt them.

The other thing that I am reminded of is what my mentor, a person I really respect told me. "The only thing more selfish than and Affair and subsequent Divorce, is Suicide." That really hit home with me. I know the pain this A has caused me and my family. I know how it is going to affect the Legacy of my WW and her thoughts about herself one day. Suicide is not what I want my legacy to me. I do not want my last actions on this earth to be considered selfish. It is not who I am and it is not how I want to be remembered.

I hope you feeing better today.

[tkdmme]

IC told me last night that it was time that I started the legal process. Im not sure that I agree. He said that he didn't think that the W was going to do anything to save the marriage and that I had no choice but to move on. She is still in the house just waiting for me to leave to my next project out of town.

She still blames me for everything and even said to me that she hates that I am trying to be a better father now that she is done with the M. She blamed me for her drinking and marijuana use even though she was a heavy drinker and smoker before we met. She says she did everything in our M and that I didn't contribute at all other than money. She says all of these things with a smirk on her face.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update. I am still very sad and overwhelmed. I don't want the D and I don't want to be a part time dad to my children. I cant believe that she is not happy with the person im trying to become. It boggles my mind that she is so obstinate and self righteous. She thinks she has done no wrong and didn't contribute to the breakdown of our M at all. I understand that she would feel this way at the time of BD but to still feel the same now blows my mind.

She told me the other night that she knows that I will meet someone great and live a happy life and that she will probably be alone and miserable for the rest of hers. she even said that she would probably be dead soon anyway. What the hell does that mean?

[Sotto]

Here's the thing TK - you get to decide what you want to do in your own life. Your IC gets to decide what he wants to do in his life. Please take your time and don't be too influenced by others who have a view on what you should do at any given time. You can just say to them - thanks for your perspective; I'll give that some thought.

In terms of your sitch, I would comment that it is still relatively early days and I can recall - I think it was Wonka - posting that few sitches turn around even within nine months. It sometimes takes a significant period of time for the WAS to begin to see the LBS and the former M in a more positive light. Often they have to have a few difficult experiences of 'green grass' before their perspective begins to change. And some never turn back. We just don't know.

From what you post of your W, she has yet to take responsibility for her own inputs - blaming you for her drinking and drug use, smirking. Yet on the other hand she feels you'll meet someone great and she'll be alone and miserable....and probably dead soon.
She's still all over the place. Strikes me that she is a prime age for MLC and is saying some stuff that has an MLC ring to it. Might be worth you having a read about that.

She may not be happy with the person you're trying to become - but let's not worry about her for now....are you happy with the person you're becoming?

Hang on in there I would say.....but work on your detachment, boundaries, protection measures and have a read about MLC. Also, is in-house S working for you and your family/sitch or is it time to review that? I think in-house S's always sound like the toughest sitches of all.

Take care my friend xx

[tkdmme]

Sotto,

Thanks for the reply. The in house separation is not working for me but she refuses to leave. I have no where to go. Her family is less than 5 minutes away from our house. Her mother lives alone in a three bedroom house and has offered the W and kids move in with her until we can figure things out.

The thing that really bothers me is the fact that she told me she wanted a D and then has done nothing. She doesn't talk about it, she wont work on our marriage and she wont file for D. It feels like she is trying to force me to do it. The inaction on her part is frustrating. I asked her if the sitch is overwhelming to her and she said that she is numb and not overwhelmed. I am not numb. I feel everything and I am carrying the weight of this sitch all on my own. it is smothering me. the gravity of it all is so surreal. im worried about the kids and what will happen to the house and our finances.

It seems that she wants to continue to live the way she is grown accustom to only without me in the picture. She wants her own bank account but doesn't want to be responsible for her part of the bills. She is absolutely insane at this point. She says things and then denies that she has said them. she says she will be happy once im gone.

She is incapable of talking rationally about anything. it makes me sick that this is happening. At times I start believing her and think maybe this is all my fault. I am questioning my faith in God and starting to be depressed again.

I thought I had moved pass this point of grief but it sneaks back up when I least expect it.

[tkdmme]

Also, I keep getting the "you should do this for the kids" lecture. She is referring to me refinancing with her to lower our house payment so that she can afford it on her own. She is also referring to things like fixing her car, mowing the lawn, things of this nature. I don't know how to respond to this.

Another thing that has been brought up lately is that she thinks im using the kids against her. I pray with my kids every night before bed and I always invite her to join us. she says that im inviting her to make her look bad in front of the kids. I thought about this and agreed not to invite her anymore. She has joined us every night since. I told her about a new sushi restaurant in town the other night. we both love sushi. I told her that is was very good and asked if she would like to go one night. My S7 overheard this and said "go have dinner with your husband". I caught a lot of spew over this. She takes everything I say and do as manipulation. I am just trying to be friendly and lighten the atmosphere at the house.

Sunday morning she told me that she wanted to go to church with us. So I said "no problem". I got the kids ready and we were waiting in the car for her. Her mother pulled in the driveway and said that the W had called her for a ride to church. I guess the W will not even ride in a car with me for 10 minutes.

I realize that asking her to have dinner is pursuing behavior and I don't know why I did this. At the time we had been getting along pretty well and I guess I wanted to see if she would have dinner with me. Stupid mistake. Right?