PP's WAW Adventure Continues - (8)

[Vanilla]

My view on abuse is very straight forward, it stops, it is completely unacceptable. I am very clear on that.

I also divide this into three categories (based broadly on research) the first type of abuser is systemic and systematic, abuse is a permanent part of the personanity, it was there when you met the person who is your partner and there when it's over. This type of abuser abuses because they like it, it gets them what they want in life. My basic stance on it is NC forever. However targets of this type resist knowing they are abused. What eventually happens is a spell break a two hour indimidating rant, throwing things, hitting a child and stealing cash from the bank all of these are present in posts here on this board. That is then a step too far and abuse is seen for that which it is. The abuser is then forced to be nice for a while, and the cycle restarts. The spell break is the culmination not a single incident. This type spends a lifetime abusing and does not stop moving from target to target.

There are other types where the abuse arises from situations including feeding addictions. These can deteriorate although generally onice the situation is resolved, then the rift heals. This takes work, in my opinion it depends on the depth of the addiction as to whether the R can take it. I include As in this. I reserve judgement on MLC as I don't understand it.

Reactive abuse is in response to being abused, I am quite open in saying that I became a screaming banshee. This is abuse, I do not excuse it and I stopped it. It will never occur again of this I am determined. My buttons may never be so pressed.

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You asked me several complex questions.

Firstly not all addicts and compulsives are abusive. Some are open about their addictions, leaving spouses to decide. Alcohol is a real problem, even when alcoholics drink at home and especially with children. No child should grow up with an alcoholice in the house. This is an ACE indicator. For the non addicted parent get the kids away from drugs, alcohol and porn.

Gambling causes financial damage and deprivation and deteriorates family fins very fast. Other addictions can be slow burn to precipice.

The addiction is not the damage, it's the lies, deception and ultimate sheer gaslight ingredients that a compulsivery engages in that damages. I have heard many horror stories ranging from stealing from dementia parents, taking jewellery and selling it, pretending a burglary. To selling a 13 year olds innocence to raise money to gamble. Truly horrible stuff to continue the addiction. Out of control.

Gamblers can be jailed for theft, alcoholics for driving whilst drunk or antisocial.

Addicts can be addicted and also be abusers. Sadly to maintain addictions situational abuse can arise.

So in my book, the type of abuse, the addiction itself and it's duration and intensity all contribute. In fact is the addict in twelve steps and recovering? The path of a spouse of a gambler and alcoholic is a very hard one, balancing the needs of a family for the other parent and ceasing to be with an addict because they enable the addiction. It is a different path to the compulsives path and the loved ones of compulsives have the right to recovery. As an addict reaches acceptance or realisation, the loved one is just beginning.

12 steps is one of the few ways to hold an R together, both parties are healing separately.

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As for me, this has been a period of enormous growth. It wasn't the compulsion or the addiction that caused my pain, and truly I did not enable. It was being the deliberate target of a systematic abuser. I say deliberately targeted to be abused by a man who enjoyed abusing me. This is very damaging and I suffer from all the PTSD signs similar to living in a war zone. Flashbacks, panic attacks and being out of body. Illness, tiredness, depression and fear. A great deal of fear. All of which is new.

I did not choose to be abused, I was chosen. I am not an LBS, I am a WAW, like your own. The difference is the abuse type, your abuse is by default situational. You are a recovering addict for the rest of your life, WW knows this, one drink and the addiction takes hold again. A big risk for WW. My WH is clearlying systematic and no doubt will abuse again. He will abuse anyone and will no doubt target someone who has resources.

Do I think non compulsives should 'suck it up' and 'put up and shut up'. If they have no dependent children then it's their choice, if they have dependent children then absolutely not where the compulsives behaviour is damaging, the children need protecting.

It is the non compulsive who steps up to the plate and says enough. Boundary breached, treatment or no R, recovery or no R. Both need help to recover. Systemic abusers will not get treatment although they may pretend it. They like abusing and it's successful for them, they see no need to change.

I made an attempt to put a scoring system in place for this, I have never seen one anywhere on my travels and there could be a reason for that.


It is my own feeble attempt to make sense. I created 6 levels of abuse. If there is physical abuse then the R is done and over witH. I have never seen any R recover permanently from it. The abuser or addict needs jail time.

In fact the most cycles of gambling addiction I have seen an R recover from is 3. An R is rarely maintained if the gambler will not recover, D is the only option even if it does as that protects family assets from creditors. I only know 1 R with a compulsive gambler in active addiction and the couple can't marry because of debt.

In your sitch you are in recovery and WAW is likely still struggling with the aftermath of your addiction. She will recover in her time not yours, and she may choose not to be in recovery some do. It is very hard painful work, and loved ones get very angry at the damage done by addiction. Blame them for that? Occasionally then the counter abuse is reactive.

Remember this post is my view and at gammon I am considered a softie on the gamblers!!

I have a great deal of respect for recovering compulsives and their spouses. This really tests an R. Abstaining is not recovering. 12 step, IC, meditation etc is recovery.

In your sitch, returning to alcohol addiction is likely to mean no healthy R. A very sobering thought indeed.

PP know this you are remarkable. Let WAW recover at her pace, remember your own journey, she has the same one to make. Try understanding not punishment, I sat in one open session to hear a GA member criticising his W because in his opinion he had drawn his line in the sand and she had to accept it and get over it. It was past, really? The debts will go on for ages. She (his W) must stop bringing it up, wanting to discuss it, it was over. This W had stood for him and their R. She left him, that very night. She walked, and my goodness was this guy angry at her.

V