Becoming the Anchor, Part 2

[gonegrl]

I am glad you got some sleep Ancaire! I don't know if your H deserves another chance or not, but you need this time to process what has happened, to heal, to figure it out. No decisions need to be made today.

I hope you are doing something good for yourself today.

[JulieH]

You really do have to have great strength to get through this. It is such a surreal experience. I wish I knew what the WAS went through. I don't think they experience the level of deep pain that we do. I feel like they must have this certain selfish gene that allows them to do this. Neglect the kids, lie to themselves, betray their vows. How do they live life in such denial?

[TxHubby]

Ancaire, I finally read through your entire collection of threads. Your experience is heartbreaking but I've been through hell and back myself and I can tell you some positive things I'm sure of. 1. I know you love him. I know you say you're detaching but I can tell you love him dearly but are extremely hurt (you should be, he's behaved like a jackass).

I can also tell by what has transpired that he loves you too. He knows he has screwed up really bad. He's not a complete dumb ass, he's just acting like one right now. Affair fog is a powerful thing. I lived through it with my WW. What he's thinking is that he's done so much damage, and is so ashamed of himself, that he doesn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He thinks he has permanently ruined things with you by his actions and he lashes out because of the shame and frustration with the person he has become. Someone that he has always despised. He became his own father. He knows it. You know it. Everybody knows it.

That puts him in an even weaker place so that OW looks even better. He's judging himself very harshly but she's saying "don't do that, baby, you're great. You've done nothing wrong." Blah blah blah...When he's feeling this low about himself that helps him feel better.

I don't know if your marriage will be saved but with all the research I've done, and what I've lived through, I can guarantee you that it CAN be saved.

He just needs to understand that it's not too late to redeem himself. Hope is not lost. I know he's scared that if you work it out that you'll never respect him again as a man of integrity. To be honest, for a long time, you probably won't. I thought my wife was the finest human being that ever lived. Loving, hard-working, kind, honest, etc. I was so happy with who we were. Then she turned 45, freaked out, and blew it all up. Thank GOD that she finally snapped out of it. Yes it took her getting caught (1 year PA with neighbor/family friend) but she realized what she was going to lose and put in genuine effort to save our marriage. I was the one demanding the D and was absolutely sure it couldn't be saved. Do I trust her 100% today? No. Do I think she's a person of integrity? No. Do I love her? Yes. You will be able to love him again and be a good wife even if you don't trust him 100%.

Another thing you learn here, and that my wife learned, is that only 1 of the two partners can save the marriage. That's a huge nugget of wisdom that before I lived it would have called BS on. I thought both people had to be committed. I was NOT committed to R. I wanted her out of my life. She was just a cheating whore to me and I wanted no part of her. She stuck it out, did the work, and saved our marriage with very little support from me.

Yours and my situation are a little different but if you are dedicated to saving your marriage then you can do it, even if he's still acting like a jackass. He's a child right now. People who cheat have the emotional maturity of children. That's why you'll have to be the adult. Is it fair? No, it's not. He wronged you but you have to forgive. Crappy deal. Still, if you want to save the marriage that's a requirement. He has to see a path to redemption. If you don't show him one then it probably won't work.

Please adhere to the DB process. I've noticed that every time you veer off it that bad things happen. Blow-ups, hurtful words, etc. That pattern should tell you something.

I know you can do this. Marriage is a sacred thing and it breaks my heart when they break up. At the core of it all you love him and I can tell he loves you. After that everything else is just the noise of life. Noise that can be deafening and destroy lives if left unaddressed but that noise can be silenced. It's not hopeless.

I'll be following with you, praying for you to be strong and also praying for him to stop being stupid. Your kids are smart when assessing OW. What kind of skank carries on with married men? Oh wait, my wife was that skank. LOL! I can laugh about it now but there was a year when I wished for my heart to stop so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. You can persevere through this. Good luck.

[Ancaire]

TxHubby...I am literally overcome with the kindness and thoughtfulness you put into your post. I've had a rough morning with everyone I've seen telling me to "dump the loser" or "do you like yourself so little you're willing to put up with that?"

For one, while I agree he's acting like a loser at the moment, that's not who I believe he is, at his core. Yes. I love the man. I see him as having extremely poor coping skills. How can I judge him, when I suffered, for years, from the same? Technically, I abandoned him first. I didn't leave, but closeted in my room? I wasn't exactly "there", either. I own that. It was my error. While completely understandable, it was still not the best thing I could have done. I'm forgiving myself, because I didn't know other options then, but I do now. That is the point my personal growth comes from.

H? He could have done more to help, instead of lashing out, screaming at me, and assassinating my character to everyone who would listen to him. He didn't know better, either. He's learning, because I am telling him.

I am hurt, deeply. I fantasize about revenge. But at the end of the day, I'm going to forgive him and let it go. I will learn the coping skills I need in order to get through this. Why? Again, I love the man. I married for life. We are a family. Our kids need us to be together.

He seriously doesn't seem to feel the same right now. But I suspect you might be correct. He didn't have to tell me the truth about OW. He chose that, without any input from me. He knew I was wrong about who it was, and it would have helped his case in court. He risked so much by being honest. It also means he must trust me on some level. I don't think he would openly admit to that, but I know I have surprised the poop out of him with my responses to all he has done. I think he never expected me to stay and fight. I blindsided him when I informed him I could forgive the adultery when I didn't even know the whole story. I remember the look on his face.

I remember the same look when he forced himself to tell me the truth. There was fear there. I stayed pretty calm, at first. It wasn't until he started the blackmail BS that I freaked out. But as I've said, upon reflection, I think it's what he's telling himself for some reason. I have no insight on that at the moment.

I have committed to Divorce Busting this mess to the best of my ability. The best thing to come out of it may be a stronger marriage than ever. The worst thing is a divorce. I know I will be okay if it comes to that. It's not my hope, but I'll be all right. I'm still writing out my extremely specific and actionable goals today. I'm following Michelle's book to the letter. I think it's the best chance we have. I deliberately chose a pro-marriage counselor. Retrouaville is all about saving marriages. I've done my best to set things up to work.

I promised H we would never discuss OW again, outside of MC. I intend to honor that promise. I'll back off on sending him to the doctor to get checked out for now, since it seems to be a sore spot. Maybe he'll surprise me and take care of it himself.

Your observation that every time I veered off the DB track, we had problems was 100% correct. This is so hard sometimes. I never thought I had it in me to do it. Surprise, Judy! Look at you.

Thanks so much for sharing your story and observations. It really helped me so much today.

[Mona52]

((((Judy))))
When my H had an A, she did get pregnant, and he moved in with her, in a different state.
Like just about everyone here, we really truly understand the depths of pain, not to mention about a billion other emotions strangling you. I promise this will pass. It will never go away, but it will pass.
I will not bother telling you to do anything or giving you advice on how to move forward. You get a free pass to just get through the next few weeks. I think if you try and push through this too quickly, it will just come back and get you. You do not have to wallow in pain, but you need to feel it to get to the other side.

I strongly suggest you do not make any kind of decision at all about your M now. It is ok to decide not to answer if you want to save it or not. Making a firm decision to D or not to right now may come back to haunt you after you are under control again. Just make a firm decision to make it through the next 2 weeks.

I am really sorry.

[Ancaire]

Mona, thank you! I cannot imagine how that must have felt...selfishly, I'm really hoping I don't have to go through that as well as everything else. Will just have to wait and see, one step at a time.

I completely agree with you. Making no decisions anytime soon. Goal-setting, exercise, job-hunting...that's it.

Need time for the dust to settle a bit.

[Ancaire]

Cycling through emotions today, but normal emotions, thank God!

This knowledge really hurts. Suspicion? Painful. Really knowing for sure? Beyond devastating.

With every tear that falls, I keep hearing Vanilla saying, "tears are cleansing. They release the toxins from your system." I must be fully toxic, then, because I can't seem to stop crying!

No word so far from H today, either. Not sure if I should reach out or leave it be for now.

[gonegrl]

Leave it be, Ancaire, don't call him.

[WhyUs]

Ancaire,

I too feel like this is all surreal. I just can not believe it is happening. I look at my children and thousands of wonderful memories come to mind and the one person who would enjoy them with me seems to no longer exist. You inspired me to go back and read DR again. Thank you! You are strong and I know you will get through this.

[Ancaire]

Strong? LOL

At the moment I could pass for a sprinkler system!