Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

I hear ya OG when you said if you can DB, you can sell. So I will try and use the DB techniques to reach my goal.
But really, I think I would rather DB than sell any day. I am petrified that someone will actually read my brochure and call me. I am more scared of that than H calling me!

And this is what I love about DBing. Michelle's techniques pulls us out of the trenches of our M and tries to force us to focus on other things. Things that make us better. It would be my choice to sit and think of H all day. It would be my choice to waste time and energy wondering what he is thinking or doing. Because I have other goals and plans I can use that time and energy thinking about.

I still think about H throughout the day. But it is not the real person. It is this kind of fantasy person I knew 15 years ago. and I only think of him because I get lonely throughout the day for someone who understands me better.

Unfortunately, I am also craving physical attention and that will bring my H into focus more than I want. Last time i DB'ed I encouraged any kind of physical contact with H. This time, it ain't happening, period. So I am stuck with this craving I guess, but that is why God gave me chocolate.

Speaking of chocolate, I have been squeezing more exercise into my day than ever before in my life. I went for a speed walk today at work, and was gone for an hour without realizing it. I felt the burn, but not enough to tire me. I have lost a nice amount of weight because I have been trying hard to lose a little weight. It feels so good that today I bought myself a sweater, and it was not from a consignment shop. Last week I got my hair done. So tomorrow I will wear my new sweater, with my new do and feel fabulous

I also finished a paper for school today so I am finally ahead on my degree instead of behind like I have been the past few weeks. By the end of October I want to have 2 of my three classes done. That means I have until Feb to finish my last class!

I have to get to bed because tomorrow is a big dress up day at the high school so I think it will take hours to get the kids ready for school in the morning. Ugh...

[Mona52]

I am so scared. I am at work, and I can't stop crying. There is one part of my self I am way to embarrassed to actually type here.

For me it is like the giant elephant in the room. The issue is glaringly there, and has been for many years, but I have deluded myself into thinking I can hide it. If I do not draw attention to it, no one will notice.

Well, I just made an appointment with the doctor to fix my issue. I hinted to the person on the phone how embarrassed I was and she was unbelievably compassionate. So much so that I started crying.

She made me feel like I have noting to be embarrassed about and they would take care of everything. She was even ready to schedule me an appointment today! I said NO. But I have an appointment for Tuesday. I CANT back out. This health issue I would rate as the biggest reason for my self confidence issues. I have been so embarrassed about it that i never dreamed I could get the nerve to ever see a doctor about it so I never had it as one of my goals. I am going to ask them to have a reoccurring appointment with them every 3 months until my issue is resolved.

It was my new sweater that did it. I swaggered into work wearing my new sweater today, and it hit me like a ton of brinks. This sweater would look so much better if x issue was fixed, so i picked up the phone and spoke to the doctor's office.

At least I am not crying anymore. Only one person at my workplace even knows I kicked my H out. We are all computer geeks and very introverted, so I WOULD never be able to explain if they heard me crying.

I remember saying (typing) the words nothing is impossible to a friend the other day, and this issue I always felt was impossible. I remember making an appointment 8 years ago at an office 4 hours away from my house so I could get it fixed and never have to see those people again, but I never went through with it.

I am so happy right now. I cannot wait until Tuesday! I am going to get completely drunk Tuesday night. There is no way I can show another human my biggest secret and not drink it off, but I still cannot wait!

[Gmum]

Mona, I'm so proud and happy for you that you made the appt. I will drink with you on Tuesday night.
I just had my own little victory today. I went to the bank and asked about establishing credit for myself, so I got approved for my very first cc. :-)
Already feeling more independent haha.

[Mona52]

Oh My Gmum! How awesome is your own CC? I am not being sexist, but that piece of plastic in a woman's hand really does give her a rush of power and independence, lol. Well, maybe that is sexist, but it is also true.

Then you max them out and that feeling of power turns into despair, but we wont go there yet

Seriously, you already ARE independent. There is nothing you cant get done all by your little self.

[PigPen]

Good for you Mona, facing our own insecurities is extremely daunting!! SO DAUNTING.

I've been in the position to have many people open up about their greatest fears. Usually they are shaking and coughing and at the end of it I think, "that's it? that's what's been keeping you up for years?"

But to them it's the world. Whatever it may be, it's your world, so congratulations on taking such a monumental step!

Please call a cab if you do get tipsy!

PP

[Mona52]

Looks like I am going to have to abuse the boards today and post again. I am just so psyched. I just went for a walk and thought about everything going on, and I noticed a pattern I have fallen into. Without trying, I have kinda cycled through almost all major areas of my life in the last 2 months and have made big changes. I feel like I am losing myself, like nothing is stable anymore. It is OK, I am not sad about any of it, just kinda sentimental about letting go of my old life,even though it was less than perfect. It was still good for me.

I wanted to try and untangle my plans and goals here so I can stay tightly on track and I don't drop any balls while juggling. I have many irons in many fires, so I believe an untangling session is completely in order.

Kids: I dont have solid goals in this area. I am not only a single parent, I am an only parent, he is not helping at all. So my goal here is to make it to the end of the day every day, just give them what they need and make sure I give each kid my attention.

Financial: Couple of goals here.
The biggest one would be to get 10 customers in the next 3 months.
Next is to complete my research and win a fellowship from the National Science Foundation by October 27th. If I win the fellowship, I will be awarded $34,000 paid to me in monthly payments. I have an above average chance of winning this. They are granting thousands and thousands of fellowships, but they really want to grant them to women and minorities.
If neither of those work out, I will need to get a second job. It has been 2 months and I have not received any support from H and my bills are piling up...
I cannot change my life financially with my current job. I work for the state and I am in a union, so my pay for the next 5 years is locked. I am not complaining, nor am I looking for different employment.
I am a technical reviewer for Manning publishing. I have a couple chapters that were due this week. It is not a lot of money, and I will not get paid until the books are complete, but I really need to stop messing around and get those chapters done!

I do not just have financial goals that deal with earning more money. I can make my paycheck stretch much further if i STOP SPENDING MONEY! We created some excellent goals on how me and the kids can save money and I have not been following through. I continually spend money on take out or entertainment for the kids. Starting now, I will not spend a penny unless it is completely needed. Period!

House: My house is currently a source of embarrassment. It has zero decorations and is full of clutter. I cannot really afford to decorate it like I want right now. But every day I cant go to bed unless i get rid of one bag of clutter! That will work for house goals for now.

School: I have three classes left for my master's and then my capstone. By the end of October, I want 2 of the three classes done.

Work: I wont get too technical... I need a deeper understanding of my scripts to manage MySQL, I need to complete the Oracle12c upgrades and move my MS SQL Servers onto MS Server 2012 so I can upgrade them to 2012. Those goals will take a year or more to complete, but I still wanted to jot them down so i keep working on them. (I would probably get fired if I stopped, so no need to beat that dead horse here).

Social: I joined a few meetups, but honestly, I can't picture myself actually going. But I will try...next month...
My best friend since grade school, whom I have not really seen for years, invited me to a huge party this month. I already said I will go so I cant back out. I will reconnect with her and go out with her more to fill my social calendar.

Health: Goals here going good! I have not smoked in a while and I am exercising more.

Vanity: I am losing the extra pounds steadily and slowly and I am very happy that way. I got a new hair do and I look so much younger. I bought a new sweater, and I plan on buying much more, once I get some kind of money coming in. Just about every single piece of clothing I own is something my mother has picked up at a yard sale for me. She goes yard sale shopping all of the time and just drops off bags of stuff. It does not matter if I like it or not, I wear the clothes. I am going to buy clothes that match my style. I dont even know if I have a style... but I am sure I can find one somewhere

Relationship: I haven't a clue what to write here... I have no idea if I want my M or not. I am SOOOO lonely. I am starving for physical attention. I still think of H much much more than what is healthy. I am dying to sit and discuss, in detail some of the things going on in my life with a partner who can support me, even if they do not understand what I am up to.

That was weird. My H has not contacted me in ages. So while I am pondering here to try and save my M or just move on, my phone rings and it is him... I did not answer it. I would prefer he send me a text message so I have time to think about how to answer. And there is the text, lol. He just noticed I took my phone off the cell phone plan.

I removed my line and left him and the 2 girls. I guess he just found out he will have to pay for all three lines. so he texted me asking if I will take one of the girls and he will take the other. He says we can split the cost and that will be fair.

What a great opportunity to practice my anger control an patience!

My anger is rising because he has not helped one bit with anything! He is splitting the cost of nothing right now. Forget the anger. Getting angry will not help. I am simply going to text him that I am not taking the cell lines because I cannot afford it. He is free to cancel the girl's lines if he wants. I might say, "If you are really interested in splitting the costs of non-essentials, the girls both are going to homecoming and I have spent about $500 on dresses, jewelry, shoes and makeup. D16 is taking an advanced course and the textbook was $150, and the special calculator was $120. S11 is playing both basketball and soccer. Fees and equipment and uniforms for both sports have already cost me $300.00. Both girls want to go on a field trip in school that is $100 each."

But it would not help. He is not going to ever help me.

I am not going to text him until after 10 tonight. or maybe even tomorrow.

[Gmum]

Smart cookie. The answer to anger is patience. Or so says my Guru ;-)

[Mona52]

So, I am still a tad bit annoyed that my H asked me to give him money for the kid's cell bill. I have not texted him back yet. Out of the blue, he decides he is going to take them bowling tonight. This will be the second time in 2 months he has seen them.

He will be at my house in 2 hours.So unfortunately I will need to figure out a way to answer him, other than shove the cell phone bill right up his..... wait, that is still an option on how to respond, but for now lets put any shoving up away as a last resort

So I have landed on 2 ways I can handle this.

Way number one, and my favorite, is to smile and thank him very much for deciding we should split the non-essential bills so that it is fair. I will be happy to take one of the phones on my plan. Now that cell is out of the way, he can split 1/2 of the soccer/basketball bill, the school field trip, the homecoming, the class text books and calculators, half of the driving around every day, etc. So far, his half comes to $1,000, and yes, I accept credit cards...

Way number 2 would be for me to say:
"If you insist I pay a cell bill I will. It will be very tight on my budget, but I can do that. The kids have spent almost $2,000 this month in extras like homecoming and things they need for school. Would you be willing to help with any of those bills? By the way, it has been over 2 months and I still have not received any support from you, do you have any idea when I might see something?"

Or I can keep it sweet and simple and tell him to shove the bill so far up his .... you get the idea.


Cr@p, i was doing so well keeping my focus off of that man! But this is really about childcare and not anything R related, so I can deal with that.

[Ancaire]

Mona...you're making me laugh. I think somewhere between both options is the way to go. I'm assuming that shoving it somewhere is off the table, unless he says something to earn such a reward...

Snicker.

[Mona52]

He defiantly did not earn that reward

The jerk face (and I am being as nice as possible) sits down with me. I thanked him for reaching out to discuss splitting the kids bills. He replied " I am only talking about the cell bill." I said "I know and I will be more than happy to take a line. Now the kids have also spent x, and x, and x... it is almost $2000 this month."

He says, "Well I don't know what I can give right now. I wont know until blah blah blah.../"

I replied with a smile, "No problem, we can discuss the cell phone bill once you know what you can help with the rest of the bills. Oh by the way, I have not seen a penny in support, any idea when I might get any kind off help?"
I have to admit here, that I stuck a knife deep into him on purpose at this point. See, he cant move out of my mom's house because his credit is in the toilet... so i said "Thank God my credit is solid, I was able to get a line of credit to help me through" lol

He won in the end...
"Are you dating?" he asked
I replied "no"
and asked if he is dating? He said he wants to.

Great...

I told him to knock himself out and have fun.
And all was great. I acted happy, confident, secure, perfect.

He took them bowling and the pain started to crush me. I started this post, but the pain would not let go. I popped on Whose Line is it anyway on TV and was laughing my butt off, but it kept going to a commercial and then the pain would choke me again.

So i grabbed the dog and went to the dog park. We had a great time. But every 2 minutes the pain would slap me in the back of the head.

Then I screwed up... I sent him a text saying how bad his words hurt me.

he replied "What?"

I could not answer. I played with the kids when he dropped them off. I washed the dog, I did my S's homework, I watched my D play a video game, I cleaned my room, I set up plans for this weekend (homecoming) with my 2 teen D's. I did everything I could do to NOT text him.

Then I texted him.

I asked if I could come over to talk about this.

He said "Can we do this on Thursday, I have to go to bed."

I wont tell you how I replied because it is completely unlady-like and I am a lady (HA!).

So I did not go over, and I have no idea where in the world this pain is coming from. Yes, I was rejected, that is normal anymore, no reason for it to feel like my entire world just ended.

I did not think I cared if he dated. But when he said the words...

I woke up today no better. Nothing I can do will distract the pain long enough for me to breath. I have taken a long walk. Had 3 different conversations with complete strangers here on campus, did a ton of work, but I am getting crushed.

To make matters worse, I am so disappointed and angry with myself because know better and I am so much better than this.

Logically I know he cant freaking date. What is he gonna tell them? Yes, I live in my wife's mom's house cuz im broke, and I have had 3 jobs in the last year... HA! (OMG, I just smiled!!)

I also know that I have plans to do things this weekend that are absolutely taboo on this forum. seriously, if I told everyone here I was going puppy hunting this weekend you would all be happier than if I told you my real plans.

My real plans are to go to a party on Friday where my friends have some eligible people they want me to meet. And I very much want to meet them!
on Sunday, I am going to an all night bar/party thing with my mom where she has some eligible men she would like me to meet. And I very much want to meet them too!

I know you will all scream "NO DONT DO IT!" dating makes everything much more complicated. But I DB'ed last time for three freaking years. Three years with no physical contact... nope. I am not doing that again. He was with whomever he wanted during that time.

No lie, I need to feel wanted so badly right now, like more than air. I will be completely up front with anyone I speak to, and let them know that there is no possible way I am starting any kind of relationship, period. And I am only seeing people my bestie and mommy know are safe and not a serial killer or anything like that.