So I remembered something last night while rattling around in this house by myself.
Years ago, before I met my wife, I dated a woman who I ended up moving in with...a huge mistake, btw, for anyone who might still be thinking that is a good idea.
Anyhow, she ended up doing the angry outbursts, and I remember being on the receiving end. I never gave it back, I took it. At that time in my life, I don't remember ever having any outbursts or even losing my temper.
So remembering what that was like actually helped me to feel what my W was feeling when I was prone to that behavior with her years ago. While it's not the total source of the problems we're having right now, it was and is a major contributing factor even if from years ago.
What I remember feeling--as 'a big, strong, man' who never really feared for my physical safety...something I rarely have ever worried about--was shock and confusion and disgust at how she was acting and treating me. I ended up writing it off the first time as a bad day. But then it happened again a couple weeks later, and began happening regularly if not every day or every week. After the first couple of times, I can remember feeling a 'switch' go off in my head and began emotionally distancing myself from her. I also remember feeling that undercurrent of tension that kept the feeling alive that she might blow at any minute. And I knew that our days were numbered, that at some point I was leaving. Just had not decided when.
The when came weeks later when she again lost her temper and yelled over something minor. When she laid down to take a nap, I headed out the door and never went back.
While the anger issues in my M have largely been solved from my side, I now see more clearly and feel more deeply than ever what likely occurred with my wife and why it's been so difficult for her all these years.
Not that she doesn't have her share of responsibility...I don't accept all the blame here, but I definitely accept my share and it's a large share.
So I'm going to send my wife my 'last resort letter' at some point at will include a brief amount of this memory and realization because I think it's particularly relevant.
While I've felt like I partially understood how my wife felt because of the damage I'd done in years past, now I think I actually know what it feels like for her, at least to a degree, because I realized I've been in her position before.
The consequences of this realization may not help the marriage at this point, I don't know. But it certainly helps me.
