I would imagine that the typical arc of this kind of story is that the spouse and the angry spouse remain together. The spouse continues to increase the emotional distance as the angry spouse continues either more outbursts or continues to foster an undercurrent that reminds the spouse he might go off at any time, who knows if that will be 10 mins or 10 years?
Since the psychs have found that intermittent, random reinforcement is the most powerful form of reinforcement, things are really tough.
The longer time goes on with less and less closeness, the more difficult to get back to where they need to be. Having been through it I know that it is extraordinarily difficult. Not impossible, of course. But difficult and complicated so that I would imagine most couple can't get there without help. I agree that D isn't the answer, certainly not the best answer, but having dealt now with someone who won't let me in and won't change her attitude and behavior towards me, I think I understand a little of the frustration the non-angry spouse feels with an angry one.
Also, and I only remembered this recently, I had a R with someone a few years before I was married, and she was the angry one. Not quite as spectacularly as I became years later, and I never lost my temper with her...but having thought about this I remember throwing a switch inside my head after a few of these outbursts. There were other problems too, to be sure, but I finally thought "screw this, life's too short".
Of course, being bigger and stronger and a fairly dominant kind of guy, I wasn't really afraid (though I started wondering if she was unbalanced and I might wake up missing some valuable appendages one day).
The problem in my sitch is that given my W's other issues, once she finally closed the door on me emotionally years ago she's not been willing to really open it back up again. While there have been no outbursts, there has been steady tension between us over it. After a while the 'formerly angry spouse' (me) ends up feeling emotionally abandoned by my W as well as incredible guilt and sadness over the damage done. I don't think the damage is irreparable, but I can only do so much without my W opening the door.
I worked really hard at showing her that it was ok to open the door but she never has. At this point, that's really all I can do. I don't agree with her decision to divorce so I'm doing the LRT and hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
If my W came to me and said she sees the progress and she's willing to do the work to open up and also to address her issues and behaviors, it would still be a long, hard road back to each other but it's an opportunity I'd dearly love to have.
