Hi Mleigh- oh, I can so feel all your emotions on this. So many triggers in there.
Wow, what great self control you exhibited. Good for you for going back and trying to process it all. In no way are you a fool!
I want to offer support but leave the advice to the pros.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced