Usually I would agree with you more than 100% but in this sitch I think it is slightly different.
PP has had very serious addiction problems which he has bravely overcome to recover. He has attended a 12 step program. This is tough on spouses especially in the addictive phase, I know this as my WH was a compulsive gambler, smoker and now unrecovered alcoholic.
Also a WAW is a different dynamic, even if W is now dating.
A very hard line stance I believe in any compulsive sitch isn't going to be healing. From my experience with spouses of compulsives the first step to healing lies in friendship, the spouse of a compulsive has to be sure that the compulsion is gone for good. Leaving by a WAW in those circumstances is very different, more in sorrow than anger.
The WAW hasn't seen friendship at the point of walk away and therefore I believe won't even think about missing it. In fact that kind of R is so damaged that missing it is the last thing you want the spouse of a compulsive to feel. Those memories of being with a compulsive and the R are best left to be a part of the story. The compulsive often has to over atone to repair the R. Very few WAW would offer an olive branch once away from a compulsive, it's too risky.
More power to PP for the obvious changes he has made, instead a light neighbourly friendship with I have more work to do on PP sounds right to me.
Friendship is a great start to a new R.
Just my 2c.
V
V, I have a question for you. Which compulsive issues would you view as needing to end a marriage over if you didn't see change?
Cheating? Porn? Gambling? Marijuana? Video games?
Asked another way, what percentage of the population do you think is compulsive in a way that would cause you to end a marriage?
I've been wrestling with this the last few days and have posted a lot on another thread (linked though I'm sure you've seen it).
I'll admit that I haven't gone through the horrors of living multiple decades with a spouse that is totally destructive either. Just trying to get my head around this. In the old days people kept their marriages together through all kinds of calamities listed above. Now it seems that popular opinion is that there is a certain bar that people have to clear or someone walks. Were those folks foolish to stay in those marriages and raise their families and turn the other cheek to preserve a lifelong partnership? Is it up to each individual for them to decide for themselves based on how they feel? Or is there something about compulsion in general that eliminates someone from being worthy of having a partner?
Again, I know your sitch and have read your contributions to the abuse threads as well. You've literally had to rebuild yourself and retool yourself to defend yourself against his words and actions, and your own thoughts and habits. I am truly not judging you for your behavior, I am sorry for the pain that you endured and don't know I could've done what you've done. I think the reason I have a hard time is that, as Sunny says, I apparently struggle to see shades of grey. Are all compulsions case for D, or are there certain 'acceptable liabilities' that could be worked around for the sake of retaining a family?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
