A new thread for Eye-Tie

[EyeTie]

I have been thinking a lot lately about my M and how it failed. One thing I have said here and have really realized is that I DID love my wife, I didn't love my marriage. We fought and rarely resolved anything. We didn't see eye to eye on several avenues. We didn't really get along that great. Maybe we grew a part, maybe not.

When she hit me with the divorce, I thought it was her I really wanted. As time went on, I am slowly realizing that I wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. That it wasn't so much my WW that I wanted, it was that security, that stability of knowing she was there for me. Almost like a child needs that favorite toy for comfort, that is what she was to me. Even after the affairs, the lies, the bs, I still craved her, I still felt like I needed her in my life to keep going forward. I now realize mostly, was that I was scared. That for the first time in 10 years I was alone. That I was terrified of what the future would bring. It wasn't her, it wasn't my marriage or any of it that I needed. What I needed was to conquer my fear. Getting a life really helped me, I preach about it regularly here.

I often view other members intros, sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't. I often wonder if it's their marriage they are afraid of losing or the "life" they have grown so accustomed to. If they are afraid of the future alone, like I was. If that is what is motivating them to save their marriage.

I realize my WW was a complete mess. That she was controlling. That she was/is immature. That she is self absorbed and uncaring for other people. That she is no one I want to spend the rest of my life with. That I lived walking on egg shells and worried about what might set her off next. That I held out hope that she might change (probably like she did for me) and go back to being the woman I fell in love with. But I know that her bitterness will never go away. That she will always put me low on the ladder in her life. That I was more or less someone to accompany her on the ride instead of riding alongside.

I don't know why I decided to go on this long ramble, I really just had to get this off my chest. I appreciate all of you who have commented or followed my situation. If I can help just one person get through this, then my life is complete. Be well DB'ers.