Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

Well, I had myself a nice little silent meltdown tonight.

Took S to drop off at H place tonight. When we drive up, I see one of those truck canopies over his truck, to protect it from the sun.

The more I see him settling into this place, the more my hope sinks. My heart started beating, I felt nauseous, started having a mini anxiety attack. So, time to drop off S and get out of there.

We get out of the truck and do the normal chit chat. Then H turns and asks S, do you want to see mommy do something? S says yes! I said exactly what is mommy going to do? H says, come see.

He walks us over to the barn, swings open the doors, and there it is......The gokart. He got one. H is proud as a peacock, says he just finished fixing it. S and I say nothing, we are just staring at it.

So I start feeling my anxiety rising as H is telling son that mommy is going to have so much fun, asking if he wants to ride it with mommy alone, or have mommy drive all 3 of us? Mommy mommy mommy. The walls start closing in on the sides of me as H pushes it out.

All of a sudden, I looked at H and said, I want to go. H looked at me, completely confused, and repeated, you want to go? I said, yes. I want to go now. H said, don't you want to ride it?? I said, maybe another time. I gave S a big hug and kiss, told S I love him and to have a good night, got in my truck and left. I could not get away from there fast enough.

All I can think about is deserting S. He may be more comfortable riding it with me, or seeing me do it, which is probably what H was pushing, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I was shaking. It wasn't about the go kart, it was just....everything.

I am trying to process what I am feeling. Right now, I am very angry that H left me and I want nothing to do with his place or the toys on it. I am angry I have been kept completely in the dark for over 8 months, and having to grin and bear it. I am tired of being expected to be his buddy. I am his wife that he bailed on.

I am a fool. He is content and not getting any closer to missing me or his life with me. He always has said his mom took his dad to the cleaners in their D. He is pacifing me for as long as he can to avoid facing the financial reality of what will happen to him, he makes twice as much as me. He will drag this out forever before he would initiate dealing with D.

This has been building up in me, and I am really proud of myself for staying calm, quiet and not exploding tonight.

I have not heard from him and don't expect to. I will not react, I will process all of this... but I do think it is only a matter of time before I release this. Otherwise, I am living a lie and not being true to myself or my feelings, no? I can do this without a big blow up, I can do this by only voicing my own feelings. H seems to think this is all just dandy with me, but it's not! None of this is dandy!

I do NC, I worry that I am giving the message that I am done. I try spending time together, but that gets my hopes up and gives him the message that I am great with this all. . This is just a no win for me. I don't know what to do.