Where, oh where am I?

[Lost08]

Flirting with a dangerous side tonight...stopped at a local bar/restaurant. Had a little tequila. The buzz felt soooo good.

I feel myself distancing from H and wanting to test the waters with other people. The tequila definitely frees up a flirty side. I toyed with the idea of drinking just a bit more and maybe flirting just a bit with the bartender. And then I was thinking about how long it's been since, well, since 'coffee' as someone referred to it, which led to the thoughts, "Well, why shouldn't I? H is off having an emotional and probably physical affair. Who knows if we'll ever be in a R together again? so, after all these years, why shouldn't I go and have some 'feel good' fun?

Oh, the temptation is VERY strong tonight.

Good thing I had to drive home to my children.

Forget about what to say to H when he says he misses me. What a bunch of crap.

Please tell me why I should remain faithful and loyal

[Azzork]

Please tell me why I should remain faithful and loyal

Because you are a loyal and committed wife.
And because after you are done, you will look back with regret.

I will look back on this time, and know that I did all I could to try to make my M work. I will be proud of how I acted and how I treated my W. My choices and my actions are my own, and are not a reflection of hers.

Keep going one more day.

[mutatio]

Once you step through that door you can never go back.
It will be a part of who you are.
Who are you Lost08?

[Ancaire]

Lost, I've been having the same thought, sadly. Mutatio is correct. It would be a mistake to act on it, tempting as it is. There is the matter of personal integrity. My H did a temperature check yesterday on the same subject....probably to make sure I was right where he left me. On one hand, I really want to hurt him back. But on the other, I have to live with myself.

Right now, I like who I am. Pretty sure I wouldn't feel the same about myself if I started acting like H.

Just want to say, I truly understand the thought and temptation! Just don't think it would be a good idea to do anything about it.

Have a great day!

[Lost08]

Not having a great day.

My father was admitted to the hospital this morning. Chest pain. My mom let my sisters and I know via text many hours after they had been there. I left work to be with him. Called work and told them I wouldn't be back for the rest of the day (which would only be approximately 30-45min.)

It turns out not only has he had a "silent" heart attack in the recent past which damaged his heart muscle, he is possibly having another one, must be transferred to another hospital for an invasive procedure tomorrow AND they found nodules in his lungs, one fairly large, with lymph node involvement, so they need to rule out cancer.

Oh, and while I was in the hospital, the school superintendent let me know over the phone they are releasing me from employment in light of what happened on Friday.

And I missed S's cross country meet where he ran his best time ever. S told me he was upset I missed his race. It was also a special parent celebration there today.

And my sisters now know that I'm having marital issues.

And I was scheduled to go for my own IC appt. and ultrasound appointments for my continued abdominal and referred lower back pain. I want to cancel them so I can be there for my Dad.

And now I'm thinking, do I tell H? I mean, H has distanced himself, he's left the M. But he's known my father for 21 years. What's the right thing to do? I don't know I could handle the hurt of H not caring.

Times like these are when H would have normally been there for me. Now here I am, Just me.

What am I supposed to do?

I am so worried about my Dad. Crap. I'm sad and I'm still Lost

[Ancaire]

Lost, what a load for you! I am so very sorry.

Considering where your H is at and what he's doing? I would leave him out of it. My first thought was, "well of course you should call him!" Then I thought some more. That's something married people do. He's off with OW. Who knows how he will react? Right now, you need to care for yourself. If you run the risk of getting a hurtful response, then don't do it.

I wish so much I could help out...you poor thing. Will definitely be praying for you and your family tonight.

[mutatio]

I hope your father gets well soon Lost. I think the "right" thing to do is tell your husband. Your fathers condition could be serious. In situations like this, I feel its your responsibility to notify your husband. What type of relationship did they have?

I know it's tempting to not tell your husband. If they had a cordial relationship and it ends badly, your husband and your father maybe robbed of their last opportunity to speak with each other. It is not right to prevent that from occurring. If your husband does nothing with the information, that's on him, you've done the right thing.

By punishing you husband you maybe hurting your father. Why would you want to cheat you father of closure?

I believe we don't have the right to keep that kind of information from people.
That's my opinion and probably not a popular one but I think it's the compassionate, kind, loving way.

[asitis]

Wow. When it rains it pours. I'm really sorry that you are having to go through all this.

I would tell H,but do so w/ an eye to its impact on the kids. They will likely bring it up anyway in their next Skype convo, and it would be better to hear it from you and talk about how to reassure and care for the kids while you can't be giving them as much time as they might need while you give some time to your dad. Just don't ask him for support or reach out to him for comfort or to talk about it. That's for those you trust to be there for you, and he hasn't earned that privilege.

I missed what happened Fri @ work. Looked back over the last few pages quickly and didn't see anything that indicated what happened that would cause the termination. I know it may not be a high priority given your dad, but if you want to talk about that, we're here.

Don't feel too guilty about S's performance at missed meet. It won't matter to him that much the reason you couldn't make it, so deal w/ just affirming his feelings and that you want to take him out to celebrate. Maybe special dinner w/ just the two of you. Don't say how proud you are, but talk about how happy you are that he is able to enjoy the satisfying achievement (the former conveys conditional love - which will add to you not being there to recognize his confirm me mommy moment - while the latter makes him feel his own pride and the joy you get from him being happy and fulfilled).

Heart damage can be scarier than it sounds, especially when the doctors start talking about portions of the heart being dead (and God-forbid describe what that looks like, which unfortunately they do to scare the patient straight - which usually doesn't work anyway). Having lost a father to lung cancer, I know the agony of waiting for results and then the discussions of prognosis. We'll have you and your dad in our prayers.

Hang in there. You're stronger than you think, and we're all pulling for you!

[Lost08]

Here's Friday at work:

It pushed me over the edge. The start of the day was a little rough. Not terrible, but not great. There was an agency nurse assigned to an elementary school and administration deemed it necessary for ME to meet her first thing in the morning and show her how to log in to the computer system. What a mess. I had never been to this school, so I was basically orienting myself as I was "orienting" her! Talk about the blind leading the blind! I was told it should only take an hour- ended up being there for 3.5 hours while the nurse from my building kept calling me to see why I wasn't on my way back yet because she needed me. Well, to try and cut a long story short, the substitute nurse was difficult to understand due to a heavy accent, had NO school nurse experience and didn't know how to handle the majority of situations. POOR administrative/managerial decision. She made several significant errors, not the least of which was accidentally administering double the dose of medication to a young student.

The incident with the medication happened towards the end of the day. I knew about it b/c I called to check on her as I was getting ready to go home. The parent was aware and the principal had taken over the situation. Nothing left to do. Well, a nasty secretary from my building suddenly came into my office, interrupting me while I was speaking with a parent to tell me that I was to leave immediately and go over to the elementary school b/c they had an emergency. What??? I told her no, I couldn't go to that school - not only was I in the middle of something with a parent, I was leaving for the day. They would have to ask someone else to go. Now, unless something else had cropped up in the 3 minutes since I had spoken to the substitute nurse, I already knew what the "emergency" was and they certainly didn't need ME to go over there to hand-hold. What about the other nurses?

At the same time, a different staff member came into the office crying, looking for me specifically. I tried to care for her while calling the administrative office to make sure there was a nurse going to the other building. The administrative secretary informed me that yes, another nurse was headed over there. In fact, it was the nurse who has worked in that building for the past upteen years - very experienced and very familiar with the staff and parents. A great person to respond to this need. BUT when I said "Excellent. I'm so glad to hear that" the secretary proceed to yell at me in a venomous tone "No. It is NOT excellent. YOU should have gone there when YOU were told to and the superintendent WILL be taking this up with you" as if I was a child who had just committed some heinous act.

I spoke up and set what I thought was a boundary, saying what I would not do and was really feeling the negative responses. I started to waffle between "Oh, I should go over there and help them. They need someone to handle this" and my knowledge that this was a poor administrative decision to begin with - I had told them in the morning this nurse needed more orientation.

Ugh

[asitis]

Ugh is right. Sounds incredibly frustrating, and unfortunately not all that unusual a cluster f*ck for many school administrators. I hope the shortage in nurses I keep hearing about helps you bounce back quickly.