Am not sure where I belong now

[Zues126]

Tirades scare kids. Divorce tears apart their family unilateral for the rest of their lives. Besides, if this is really about the kids what's the alternative? Take them away from the dad 100% of the time? Good luck getting that through the courts based on this. My L made it clear to me that to take a child away from their parent things have to be pretty iron clad dangerous. So then what, they are with their dad 50% of the time anyway. The only difference is he's with another woman, not their mom, who won't feel as protective towards the kids.

Again, I promise my dad was 5 times more aggressive and angry than this man. I PROMISE. We had a great relationship throughout my childhood and have an even closer one now. I don't know what my relationship would be with my mother if she asked him to leave over the things he did, and as I've said, it was far further the line. I mean recurring outbursts, moments when you'd be afraid something would escalate him, occasional spanking spontaneously and in anger, wild eyes, etc. To me that was trivial, yes, even as a kid. I knew he loved me. It was normal. I never was hurt where I had bruises, couldn't walk, or really ever felt more than a small stinging on my backside for a few seconds. And you know what? I don't spank my kids, but I do think this is getting way too PC and way to uptight. If you want to leave a good guy because he's not new aged enough, go right ahead. If we apply this same standard to every category no man could live up and women would be walking out of marriages at record levels and the D rate would be ridiculous. Oh wait, that's exactly what's going on.

Yes, I'm in the suck it up and make it work camp. Sunny, I would leave my M if I was scared for my physical safety. To clarify, this would mean that I think W is going to poison me, or she hit me with something BEYOND an open hand to the face or a rough push (for example if she took a pool cue and literally hit me with it repeatedly, or started throwing those pool balls at me which hurt!). Next would be adultery. I'm talking ongoing, I love him, he's the man I want in my life, I want you to leave...or "why can't I accept that I love you both and that I want you both in my life". Not ok.

Beyond that I don't remember anything in the marriage vows that detailed the hundreds of offences that we shouldn't have to put up with that would allow me to terminate our family and lifelong partnership if I'm no longer feeling loved. Yes, that means I'd stay in a marriage where I felt misunderstood, unappreciated, neglected, lonely, and even a bit 'emotionally abused'. Oh, and even if I never had sex for years. In fact, I DID. And the funny thing is maybe if people took divorce off the table as an option and realized the choices were to be M and unhappy or M and happy, maybe more people would choose to be M and happy. It would start to their self growth, which would improve the dynamics of the M, and maybe even inspire change in their partner, who will absolutely grow with time anyway.

But it's not just me. I had dinner with a good friend who is an avid Jehovah's Witness. He tells me there are three times in their religion when it's ok to get divorced: 1) Physical violence, 2) Adultery (at the betrayed spouses discretion), 3) financial protection (to make sure you can pass something to your children if your spouse is an addicted gambler). However you WEREN'T allowed to REMARRY unless your spouse had an actual affair while married to you. In the other cases you were expected to remain married in spirit, just not legally in name.

I talked to him about this situation, he was surprised as well as I was, he told me that his parents were fighting aggressive every week for a couple of years, then it smoothed out, and everything's been fine since. But he said it was nearly fist fighting once a week. Is this ideal? No. But he's glad he grew up with both parents, has a good relationship with both, and they are now happily married and have a long history together. Wow.

As shocked as you all are with what I'm saying, I'm equally shocked that on a forum dedicated to saving marriages that so many people are so quick to justify walking away. I get it. All of our marriages stank. That's the same reason they left. Either all of our WAS's were right because they could all say the same thing, or we need to walk the walk.

I could name so many LBS's that people think well of. Maybe even me before I wrote all of this. People think I'll be a good H someday. Well, I'm the same guy that my STBX kicked to the curb. I pressured her to do things sexually that she didn't want to do. I was critical of her. So she left. I would never dare say I am proud of those things, and I am grateful that I have grown a bit. But anyone that wants to say that she was right to destroy my family, well, no need to visit my thread and post. And frankly I think that is worse than what this man has done.

In closing, Marriage is a life long commitment that isn't to be ended. Once you make it conditional upon self determined standards in dozens of different categories such as porn use, alcohol use, emotional neglect, sex frequency, tone of voice, etc, you don't have a M, you have a fling that will last until our humanity is revealed because no one will measure up. Again, tell me a time when it's ok to throw a baby in a dumpster and I'll tell you when I feel it's ok to get divorced. Y'all don't have to feel it's that important, clearly if I want company I have to do some time travelling.