I can so, so, so, relate to your wanting answers. I swam in depression for most of this year, trying to figure out why the puzzle just wouldn't resolve itself, why it couldn't make a nice kind of cohesive sense. How could it all be? What is going on? Right?
Not every sitch is the same, but what I can tell you from being on the other side of mine, is that it truly doesn't matter, the answers aren't there and even if they were, it wouldn't change anything.
My friends would listen to me, bless them...and some of them would give me a nice 2x4 and say, but does it matter? Man that question was irritating. YES, IT MATTERS, I wanted to scream back.
But then one day in my divorce care group, I heard a new friend going on ad nauseum, and it was like, "Dude. It doesn't matter. He isn't into you anymore, he's treated you like chit, thrown you across a room...what does it matter he wore the shirt you gave him last year for the anniversary? Perspective. Doesn't matter."
But here's why it really doesn't matter - information isn't power or a salve for the wounds. It doesn't change the present, or your experience. Information and *answers we seek don't change what happened or give us ability to deal with anything any better. I got some of the answers I was after by finding his online accounts...still more questions. And heartbreak.
Eventually the puzzle will resolve itself, I promise. And the less you allow mind-effery, the sooner it happens. Know those days where you would do anything to stop hurting? And to stop thinking? So you think if you just can reason it out, that will satiate the mind and allow healing? And the more you try to stop, you can't? I remember, Mustard. I know it's hell.
The real healing, for me, was finally realizing I was looking to an irrational messed up man for rational sense. Wasn't gonna happen. He had none to give me. But he sure could make me feel like I was everything that was wrong with us the more we 'talked.'
When I read your posts...I don't see a partner, STBX that is doing anything kind here. The fact that he causes you to feel like cowering, as you put it...how long has this power dynamic going on?
What gave me peace and happiness again - Being NC long enough that the emotions died down enough to let reality shine through. To let the chemical addiction of love and a 'please pick me up again and make it all better' kind of addiction, to let all that subside. I can imagine how hard that is with kids. And to re-read my journal enough that I finally HEARD myself, how I felt around him, and quit putting so much importance on a man that wasn't worth half of me. When I said no to invitations for more confusion and twisting from him - that healed. It felt so empowering not to be a little puppet on his string any more, and the confidence grew into self respect.
Self respect grew into the ability one day to truly rise up inside, around the time of the divorce, and I knew I didn't care anymore what he thought, what caused our M to sour, why he was abusive, when he'd cheated, why, why, why...I just didn't care. I knew I could be a better listener and less judgmental about some things, so I owned that, but not to the extent I cared about him anymore. Because I'd started loving me again and seeing him as ridiculous angry child he was. The puzzle started resolving when I looked at me, and not wondered after him.
The answers are within you, Mustard. I promise. Stay central to your experience, the feels, honor yourself, find that supreme wise voice inside of you and let it speak and comfort and give peace.
I am not advocating for D, and I admire your cool. I'd certainly want to vomit being in some of the situations you describe! But I am advocating for you to move to a place internally (not just externally) of giving no f***s and putting your self so high that it truly "doesn't matter." If he gets inspired to get his act together, than he does and will because you've moved on to that degree, deeply. If you feel like cowering and backing down, he still has power over you and I'd bet anything he can sense it.
Shake him off, girl.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
