Am not sure where I belong now

[Zues126]

I believe that going on a tirade twice in a decade isn't ideal, but it isn't that unusual. I think OW is right. He is probably a gentle man, one who's needs weren't being met, one who was pushed to his breaking point. Instead of walking away he tried to communicate his pain. When he couldn't take it anymore and he tried screaming, trying to have his voice heard.

If I knew that I could reinstate my M but that my spouse hadn't changed and they would go on 5 more tirades in the remainder of our years together, I wouldn't walk. Even if that spouse didn't take ownership or change. Just because no one is perfect.

If I knew that I had contributed to the hardship, and that my H felt like a dog that was caged, starved, and beaten, and that he was actually a good animal mistreated until he acted like a bad animal, I would learn to treat him better to see if MY change could result in HIM changing, without HIM having to do anything. And I wouldn't label something as abuse that was responding to an environment I contributed to.

I believe in remaining committed to the M because you vowed to, because that's what M is about. Not dependent on how you feel about it, or what's in it for you. But when you remain committed to serving your partner, and find ways to make yourself better, lo and behold there may be a reward for you as well.

I think all this talk of him needing to change before you could continue an M with him is new age mumbo jumbo that is the reason why no one is M anymore.

The entire DB principle is changing the dynamic by changing yourself, not working on yourself a little and then demanding that your partner does the same to meet your new and improved standards. That's just more control, expectations, and criticism.

Treat him like he's good enough, take care of him, hear him, honor him, accept him, respect him, meet his basic needs, and you won't have to worry about what happens next time he feels mistreated/neglected/disrespected, because he won't. Oh, and if you truly do this my guess is that he'll grow with time anyway, particularly if you LEAD. In which case it would be tragic to throw away a lifelong partnership because of a snapshot in time anyway.