After twice nearly separating and twice reconciling W has said she would be ok with me leaving the family home.
We last reconciled 10 months ago when W said she would put more effort into making Quality Time for Us. It lasted about 2 months before we started to backslide on our efforts. The fundamental reason for our problem was never sorted. We have had a sex starved marriage for about 7 years. Here is my first thread from 2012:
which led to me becoming a better person, doing Gal and eventually us reconciling…..it took about 6 months of very hard work and changes in me which I have kept. She gave me a list of improvements I needed to make – I agreed with all of the points. I had already spent the previous 6 months doing many of the things on the list such as getting physically fit, improving my appearance, Getting a Life, BUT BUT BUT we never addressed the intimacy, sex and quality time related issues which had affected us for years. We hardly ever argue or have heated discussions, we NEVER talk about R, we don’t convey our inner most feelings about each other. In the past I was guilty of passive aggressive behaviour whenever she complained and it led to her not complaining for years and the original BOMB. Since the first reconciliation I have grown as a person, am physically very fit, hardly ever do passive/aggressive behaviour and have learned to Listen, Listen, Listen to my W problems at work or with her female friends. One of things that really bugs me is that she never complains/moans about problems in our marriage. She keeps quiet, withdraws slowly over months and then withdraws completely, I confront her and threaten to leave. She calls my bluff and says I can leave. The last time this happened was late 2014 again I didn’t address the issues.
We have a recurring theme of not sorting out our Sex life, not talking about, W going cold, me confronting her (after another 6 months), and her saying ‘ILYBINILWY’ etc.
So what about the present sitch?? After the bust up one week ago I moved into the spare bedroom. I effectively withdrew my threat to leave and W hasn’t said she wants me to go – yet . She hasn’t mentioned separation or divorce either and hasn’t removed her wedding ring. She did remove it back in 212, but did not in 2014. I boxed her into a corner and she called my bluff and asked me to leave. There were no tears or emotion from her – which is a bad sign.
The crux of the matter is that she believes the ‘spark has gone’ ‘there is no connection’ ‘we are like brother and sister’ ‘I Love You but as a good friend’ ‘I loved you in London and its not the same ‘(this means pre-children when we were unconditionally in love). It’s the same list of complaints that she had 7 years back, and in 2012 and 2014.
The big difference between the original sitch and 2014 and now is that I am a much better person to be with. I am her soulmate and companion but not her lover.
She is very sociable always organising things for her and the kids to do but all of them usually involve other families. We don’t do much just as a family unit. I find this frustrating as I value quality time with just her and also with the kids.
I have read SSM and the problem with SSM is it is geared for couples who are still willing to work on the marriage either on the Low desire or High Desire side. There isn’t much one can do by oneself. My conclusion is that W has got what she wants. Coparenting without the tension from a lack of Sex and real Intimacy. I am still there for the children and to help with the chores etc but as a co-parent and not a H. She has detached herself from me, not ringing me or texting me, and organising a social life without me.
Only a few weeks ago our Relationship was seemingly good except for the tensions surrounding Sex and Intimacy. I got an anniversary card addressed to a Wonderful Husband and signed I Love You only 4 weeks ago.
Her primary Love language is Physical touch and I think she has felt unloved in this respect for many many years (with a few months of respite after each reconciliation – a mini honeymoon period). My primary LL is Quality Time again something the R has been lacking for years. It’s the chicken and egg syndrome: lack of sex leads to distancing which leads to less quality time which leads to less intimacy….etc etc.
We have both been asking for our Primary Love language and not getting it.
If I ask for an R talk she will say, ‘I haven’t loved you for years’ ’we are like brother and sister’ ’your not the same man I fell in love with’ ’ILYBINILWY’ . She will also say she has gone the extra mile twice and it has made no difference. She has been unhappy (unloved) for years and does not want to chance being hurt again so will live in an non-sexual marriage for the sake of the children.
So what to do:
There are fundamental problems in our marriage which I would like to fix: 1. More frequent and better quality sex 2. More general intimacy and sharing our feelings as we used to do when ‘in love’ 3. More quality time together – 4. I need to initiate sex
To me this seems easy to start. Just get started and work on it. WITH A PLAN. Something we have never done before. W will see this as not workable as we have talked about this for years and got nowhere. She just wants to be happy. If I argue and reason I will get nowhere.
I am going to counselling independently (W doesn’t know) which helps me mentally. Counselling has been mentioned before over the years but firstly I rejected it and secondly she rejected it when I wanted it. I have Got a Life. I need to work on a few points: I need to love my kids better as this part suffers when R is in trouble. I need to be more fun as again this part of me suffers when R is in trouble.
How do I get W to work again on our marriage? I need patience, patience and more patience but its eating me up inside. Any advice is very welcome.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/12/1510:17 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
