have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[WhyUs]

tkdmme,

Where are you brother? Have not heard from you in a while. I hope all is well.

[tkdmme]

WhyUs,

Im still here. I was out of town this weekend visiting my dad.

I tripped and fell Saturday morning and ended up with a concussion. So I have been trying to take it easy. My sitch is still the same. Me and the W are still in the same house and not talking. She remains uncaring and distant. Her and the kids are going to her sister's house in Florida this weekend. I hate this because I know her is not on the side of saving our M. Also, I hate that my kids will be gone for so long.

Anyway, Im still here and trying my best to keep fighting the good fight. I had almost came to the point of throwing in the towel but for some reason Im feeling differently the past few days. Im not ready to give up hope yet. THe only thing that has change with the W since ive been DBing is that she has nothing new to pin on me. She said last night that she wanted to open her own bank account. I agreed and told her that we would have to set up a budget and that I would not pay for all of her bills out of my account. She was drunk and wasn't really in any shape to have a real conversation. She did say that I could hold her hostage with a threat of her being financially broke. I told her that the last thing I wanted was her to be a hostage. I then went to bed. There is not really nothing more to report.

How are you doing? Has anything changed with your W?

[Huddy]

Did you stop drinking? How's the piano going?

[tkdmme]

Hudddy,

To be honest, no I haven't completely stopped drinking but I have cut back significantly. I haven't had a drink in 4 days now which is better than the everyday drinking that I had been doing. Funny you asked about the piano. Most of the drinking I am doing at this point is when I am out playing piano. The goal is to stop completely but I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish so far.

[tkdmme]

I've been home alone this weekend. The w and kids are in FL with her sister. It's been raining all weekend and very depressing. I don't like to be alone.

[Azzork]

I've been home alone this weekend. The w and kids are in FL with her sister. It's been raining all weekend and very depressing. I don't like to be alone.

So go out and do something new!

[tkdmme]

Hello,

I have been battling severe depression for the past couple days. I am emotionally exhausted. Nothing in my sitch has changed but for some reason this ever present feeling of hopelessness keeps leaning on me.

I don't want to scare anyone here but I need to vent. I have been having thoughts of suicide again. It just seems that things would be better if I wasn't around. I know that it would affect my family but my thought is that they would get over it. I'm not sad and that kind of scares me. I am very calm at the moment. I just don't know how I will continue without my family.

All I ever wanted was a W and some kids. Someplace to come home to after work where people loved and respected me. I had that but I made a mess of it. things will never be the same and I am finding it hard to live with the fact that I screwed it up. It is 100% my fault.

I have been trying to make myself into a better person but im not sure that is possible anymore. Its like im trying to be someone that I am not. It feels forced and fake. Im not sure that im capable of true change.

Every morning I pray to God to take my life so that I cant make anymore mistakes. I look into the oncoming traffic and pray that someone would come across the line and send me flailing through the windshield and into a tree. I don't have the guts to take my own life so don't worry that I would ever do it. I cant. I don't have the option.

Anyway, This is how im feeling today. Im not sad. Im just tired of things as they are.

Again, IM NOT SUICIDAL. IM JUST TIRED and being honest.

TKD

[otw]

Please go out and do something. Shake this feeling off. You are important to your children and many others.

[Azzork]

There is no "getting over" the death of one's parent, tkd. You HAVE children to come home to. And you can have s W to come home to that loves you, it just may not be this one. Be patient and let time do its work.

Come vent as much as you need.

We're here. And listening.

[CaliGuy]

Tkd

Been there ... I still recall the day I seriously thought about it ... That night I set up an appointment to talk to an IC, keep in mind I came from a family and culture where real men did not talk nor express feelings. 2 years later I discovered this very mindset was one huge obstacle in my marriage and in my progress as a individual I desired to become
That feeling you have, I was there. I recall a saying I stumbled upon somewhere and fogey the ex act verbiage but it was something like "True change can not happen until one has suffered in misery to the point they must chose to change to survive" I remember thinking ... Ok even if I'm alone I don't want to hurt like this any longer. The thing that caused that pain... FEAR... Fear of what would happen next, fear of me being without everything I built my life on... That fear can cripple you... I discovered in IC that was my roadblock, not my W, not her A, not my faults.... Was my fear
Accept the bad days, they will happen... Typically less intense and not as long provided you look inward and start getting down to the real issues YOU have boiling inside .... My recommendation ...IC who can help you tap into that stuff because you can not really get there alone IMHO