have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[tkdmme]

Hello,

I have been battling severe depression for the past couple days. I am emotionally exhausted. Nothing in my sitch has changed but for some reason this ever present feeling of hopelessness keeps leaning on me.

I don't want to scare anyone here but I need to vent. I have been having thoughts of suicide again. It just seems that things would be better if I wasn't around. I know that it would affect my family but my thought is that they would get over it. I'm not sad and that kind of scares me. I am very calm at the moment. I just don't know how I will continue without my family.

All I ever wanted was a W and some kids. Someplace to come home to after work where people loved and respected me. I had that but I made a mess of it. things will never be the same and I am finding it hard to live with the fact that I screwed it up. It is 100% my fault.

I have been trying to make myself into a better person but im not sure that is possible anymore. Its like im trying to be someone that I am not. It feels forced and fake. Im not sure that im capable of true change.

Every morning I pray to God to take my life so that I cant make anymore mistakes. I look into the oncoming traffic and pray that someone would come across the line and send me flailing through the windshield and into a tree. I don't have the guts to take my own life so don't worry that I would ever do it. I cant. I don't have the option.

Anyway, This is how im feeling today. Im not sad. Im just tired of things as they are.

Again, IM NOT SUICIDAL. IM JUST TIRED and being honest.

TKD