Journaling. WW routine for the weekday is she gets herself ready for work, gives the kids a hug and kiss goodbye, and walks out the door without even acknowledging my presence. This morning, I get a text from her after she walked out the door saying she was stopping at the donut shop and if I wanted some. I text back, sure for the kids later this evening would be a nice treat. Then I get a call from her and she asks where am I? I reply, driving to work. She continues to tell me she is in front of me by a few minutes (on the same street); the donut shop is along this street. I end up meeting her along the road so she can hand me some donuts; her tells me she thought I might like them with your coffee.
I realize it’s a small gesture but she told me a few weeks ago she stopped doing things for you so that I would know how it feels to be unappreciated.
I am confused by this. I need to find the strength so I do not fall for this twisted manipulation!
Hey mich. I'm okay. I had the lawyers meeting and he wants me to go ahead and start a separation agreement. This is the only way I can get H to pay his share of expenses and help with payments for 3 younger kids schooling. This is going to cost H even more he will have to borrow $. He has created such a financial mess .
I don't know if that was manipulation by your W - could it just be that she was really thinking of you? What does she say she wants from yourR right now?
Glad to hear you are ok but sorry to hear of separation; attorney has your best interest. I spoke with attorneys for my sit but could not pull the trigger realizing D does not help/fix me and my sit. WW realized D is not in her best interest either.
Several times over the last year WW told me she only needs me for the financial support; and would continue saying I was never there to support her emotionally. I have no idea what WW wants in the R. We spend weekends together doing stuff; no different than years past. If I go dark now she may say that’s just me being selfish; making reference to who I was before therefore NOT me doing 180s.
Could it be that she was thinking of me? Possibly. This is truly who she is that she does so much for others (goes out of her way). Brings me to a comment she said, she refuses to allow herself to let me make her happy, that for years that’s what she was trying to get me to do (which I did not get..comprehend), and now she will do what she wants to make herself happy; does not need my support/approval.
Journaling. On Saturday I took my 8 yr to the zoo. He wanted W to come too so I had him ask W simply because she did not seem thrilled when I shared my plans for the day. When I was getting ready, she came into MBR and told me that when I leave next week for business (work) trip she was going to move my stuff out of the MBR and move her stuff back in. She said because I had it for last 5 years to myself. I said I was not having this discussion with her and walked out. In my mind, I was think HELL NO if I am sleeping in the spare bedroom where you text and FaceTime OM at night. The day at the zoo was fine but she did something out of the norm, that night she left the house at 9:30pm, saying she was going to see a movie with her friends.. really? Perhaps but how am I to believe that?
Creating post here in hopes of receiving more feedback from vets.
I feel WW is doing everything a LBH should to do his WW (ie. 180s, detaching, GAL) but wait she is WW and I am LBH, this stinks! How do I approach sit?
WW is a pro when it comes to manipulation and very witty with her choice of words. Not only is she personally a stubborn individual but she has more than 1 post grad studies in COUNSELING/THERAPY. This is her domain and line of work.
She fits the characteristics shared here of a WW but also has told me directly many DB suggestions of what a LBH should do (ie. do not wait/expect her to make me happy, I cannot fix her). Please help.
Edit - Remove link
Last edited by Cadet; 10/12/1507:41 PM. Reason: merged post
OhGreat, I witnessed and know she gives and gives unconditionally; it makes her happy. Relate this to our R. She shared she gave and gave to our MR and I did not reciprocate (only NOW I see my downfall); now there is nothing left for her to give that her tank is empty.
I'm not a vet but I read up on your situation. Your W sounds very similar to mine in a lot of ways, as does your situation when the first bomb was dropped many years ago here.
What I did back then (eventually) was to calmly and simply tell her I had no intention of leaving my bedroom, my house, my kids, or my life because I had not done anything to warrant that. If she wanted to sleep elsewhere or move out it was her business.
I didn't do it in an angry or confrontational way...just matter of factly.
However, if she starts trying to lock you out, etc., I'm not sure how best to handle that. The important thing is not to create a traumatic environment for the kids. If she moves your stuff out when you're gone, etc., you may need to just go in the extra room.
The thing I noticed while reading your sitch, though, is that I don't think you're detached...believe me, I have always had a hard time with it too so I feel for you. But I would avoid going much out of your way to accept the "little nice things" like donuts that she tries to do for you occasionally until there are definite actions on her part that demonstrate she's establishing appropriate boundaries from OM.
If it were me I would regard them as attempts to manipulate, check your temp, etc. and therefore not helpful to you at all. I'm not saying don't accept...but don't go out of your way, don't get too excited about it, and don't use it as an excuse to think things are different.
OhGreat, I witnessed and know she gives and gives unconditionally; it makes her happy. Relate this to our R. She shared she gave and gave to our MR and I did not reciprocate (only NOW I see my downfall); now there is nothing left for her to give that her tank is empty.
So what can you give without EXPECTING anything in return?
