Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III

[Vanilla]

Originally posted by V my strategy developed from NMMNG dealing with WH and his irrational al view that I was to blame for his life woes. I made every mistake in the book. After this I just stopped accepting it was all my fault.

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what to do, how to deal with irrationality as it happens?

1. Take time out and breathe. Cool it, detach, withdraw mentally for a while. Let the others anger burn out whilst you stay calm. Let them burn out any rant. Respond with let me see if I understand but I need a moment. Can you slow down I am seeking to hear. I hear you say.........

2. Feel empathy but not pity or sympathy. This is irrational and you don't agree but can acknowledge the others feelings. Nod or lean forward and listen. (First level response)

3. Move to second position in your mind (be in the others shoes) be compassionate and kind, above all be kind. See if you can identify the cause.(Second level response)

4. Reflect back the others feelings (you may have already reflected back their words in 1 above) use a calm even tone. So make this about them not you at this stage. (Third level response)

I think you are upset that I did xyz
Not
You are saying I treated you badly

You resent the fact I did xyz all weekend
Not
I hear you that you don't like me doing/saying xyz

5. Validate the others feelings (Fourth level response) having already recognise them and reflected them back.

See Wonkas validation cheat sheet for examples on how to do this. For examples of what not to say see the invalidation post in the abuse thread.

6. Express compassion about the pain

You feel hurt because you feel mistreated or abused.

Do not accept you abused them or victimised. "You seem to believe I agree with your view that I abused or victimised you. My stance is different and I feel upset that you feel and believe as you do. I want you to acknowledge that I am upset by you saying this. In addition I want to tell you that I respect you have the upset feelings even if I do not accept that I Abused or victimised you"

7. Ask for future discussion and then state how you feel

"I feel upset you believe that I deliberately caused your hurt, and I do not hold myself accountable. Although I do believe you feel that way as I do. I find this very difficult. I would like us to talk about that next, tomorrow, next week....."

I am having great difficulty with my confusion and resentment that you think I am trying to control/abuse you when I know that is not my intention.

8. Agree to disagree.

"We are obviously of different opinions, can we agree to disagree that I acknowledge you feel abused whilst I do not accept I abused you."

9. Say you will respond if mistreated.

"Expect me to refute your accusation every time I hear it, I accept you believe I am trying to control/abuse you and I will listen to what you have to say but I know I had no such intention."