Thank you so much dwh15. Very wise counsel, indeed. I'm not in great shape yet but I'm doing pretty good all things considering. Much better than the first time the bomb dropped. I will definitely take what you wrote to heart.
I agree about my W being very unhappy with herself. She has been living something of a double (or even triple!) life for a long time. I certainly have contributed my share of problems here, but I've also been the first to wake up and seek a remedy both with her and with us in MC. She has almost never engaged though.
Re: women and divorce. I don't get it either. A good friend of mine had the exact same thing happen last year, and everyone else I know who has divorced in the last 5 years have all been initiated by the W. In a few cases the H prob deserved it, but they all seemed repentant anyway, but he W wasn't having any of it.
In my case, while I don't think D is the best, I am now cool with the S and hope that she simply continues that for a while and doesn't pursue the divorce yet until she's had a chance to really think about it. The thing is, knowing her like I do, she's more of a schemer...she always tends to look for the fast cure. She says she has been in IC for the last couple of months but has refused to talk to me about it except in very general terms, so it's possible that she isn't. I hope she is, for her sake and my sons' sake, regardless of what she decides ultimately to do about our M.
I have changed a lot over the years, have always responded well to challenges in all areas except when this sort of thing comes up. This time I'm about 80% satisfied with how I've handled things, and that is increasing every day.
Once I got over the initial shock, my prime motivator has been trying to show my kids how they have a great future ahead of them, they are still ahead of the game in many areas, and that this hurts and is difficult but it will pass. I feel like they are looking to me.
When my oldest was 3, he was running through our apartment, slipped, and hit his head on the corner of a doorway. It cut his head a very little bit. Small cut, a few drops of blood. He didn't think anything of it. I carried him into our tiny kitchen, put him up on the counter in front of the window to get a good look, and he seemed generally ok. Then my W came in, saw him with blood in his hair and freaked out. Of course, he freaked out as well, following her lead.
I learned then and there that they will usually follow our lead, and it's up to us to give them a healthy, positive one to follow. That has helped me do that and deal with my grief more than anything.
