Thank you Lady V, I still owe you responses to your prior questions.
For me right now the door is very close to closed. And I don't really know the path.
I know that I am gathering documents for my attorney and while my W seems to be more interested in my life right now, she's pushing ahead with the D. I also know that have plans for next year that don't include my W even if a miraculous 180 happened on her end.
It's still so confusing V, very much so. I see that it took courage, I see that she cares, I truly don't know the intent though. Was it courageous if her only goal was to make sure the D goes smoothly? This seems to be her pattern. There was always "hope that we'll get back together" until I had helped her move out of our house, and had passed Woofie back to her. Then without any further conversation she wanted to D.
I'm trusting that doing what I need to do to take care of myself, while still being kind and having compassion for my W is the best course of action right now. Well that and listening to all of the wise people on this board.
Your post has given me pause as they all do.
Thank you.
PP
(I'll start a new thread)
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I have a different view than Lady V and Asitis in terms of telling W maybe can consider being friends in the future. That will not work in DBing because she will not feel true loss of the friendship. You don't have to be an a$$ when you convey it to W. I would frame it as "friends don't do this to their friends." Sandi reports being shocked into her senses when her H told her that he won't be friends after D...same with with Starsky and CaliGuy.
If W tries to rope you into a discussion about the dinner invite declination, just state calmly and firmly that you are not being comfortable being buddies with someone who is ripping apart a family and actively trying to block you from seeing your kid. This is not what friends do here. Again, I would state matter of factly that you will not be friends with her after D and that this is the path she chose without any consultation from you.
Usually I would agree with you more than 100% but in this sitch I think it is slightly different.
PP has had very serious addiction problems which he has bravely overcome to recover. He has attended a 12 step program. This is tough on spouses especially in the addictive phase, I know this as my WH was a compulsive gambler, smoker and now unrecovered alcoholic.
Also a WAW is a different dynamic, even if W is now dating.
A very hard line stance I believe in any compulsive sitch isn't going to be healing. From my experience with spouses of compulsives the first step to healing lies in friendship, the spouse of a compulsive has to be sure that the compulsion is gone for good. Leaving by a WAW in those circumstances is very different, more in sorrow than anger.
The WAW hasn't seen friendship at the point of walk away and therefore I believe won't even think about missing it. In fact that kind of R is so damaged that missing it is the last thing you want the spouse of a compulsive to feel. Those memories of being with a compulsive and the R are best left to be a part of the story. The compulsive often has to over atone to repair the R. Very few WAW would offer an olive branch once away from a compulsive, it's too risky.
More power to PP for the obvious changes he has made, instead a light neighbourly friendship with I have more work to do on PP sounds right to me.
Friendship is a great start to a new R.
Just my 2c.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/12/1504:36 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
